Leaving Is The Only Way

I was born to a very complex woman.  She grew up hard, going from poor Boston ghetos to affulent Concord.  She was never to do things normally.  She didn't grow up in a normal way either.  But however she grew up, it was enough to become fearful and selfish.  Those two qualities made my life a living hell.  It wasn't till last summer that I finally figured it out....why I stayed so close to home, why I never moved on...I wanted desperately for her to be the mom I needed and wanted my whole life.

My earliest memory was getting a diaper change in the bathroom, watching a naked man taking a shower.  Momma seemed happy, but I don't remember her face.  This man wasn't my father.  I've never met my real dad.  Never heard his voice either.  I've seem one picture of him, his military ID.  Later on there's this ugly 70's looking gold recliner in the living room.  My step-dad was alwaying sitting in that chair.  He had flowing red hair and a very large red beard.  This man shaped me and molded me, along with my mom to the nut case I am today.  He would verbally abuse me, neglect me, sexually molested me, raped me (to be figured out way later).  He would leave every 18 months to 2 years like clockwork.  He would usually leave in winter.  He would tell me I was useless, ugly, fat, unlovable, worthless, no man would want me, he hated me.  These were the things he's say with my mom standing right there.  She never once protected me.  Later when he started to molest me...I never said anything to her.  One he threatened to killer my mom if I told on him and two, what would my mom do???  Since she didn't protect me from his verbal onslaughts.  His family when they would come over would physically abuse me too.  She would just yell at him for being an a**hole.  The fighting was horrible.  Everyday there was yelling and screaming.  Many times when I was smaller he would carry me in his arms and run around the house yelling at my mom.  I have partial hearing loss in both ears due from all the yelling.

Not only was there the abuse, but also drugs.  Both sides of my biological family were solid alcoholics, but not my mom.  She loved her pot, and probably still does.  I saw her a on a few occasions snorting coke off the same dining room table that we made christmas cookies on.  She told me about dropping acid and doing shrooms when I was older.  In addition to smoking pot everyday....and I mean everyday.  She would have coffee with a joint every morning and after that a cigarette.  She smoked about 2 packs a day and about 3 joints a day.

No surprise I grew up poor.  No surprise I grew up so abnormally.  I still have trust issues, daddy issues and mommy issues.

What made my childhood even worse was the treatment I got from school.  I tell people to this day "Whatever I didn't get at home, I got at school".  I was sexually assaulted for the first time at school in the 5th grade.  I went through puberty very early and I had c-cups then.  I didn't like bras, I didn't like becoming more woman.  I had already been molested by my step-dad starting at age 5. 

I never told my mom what happened at school either.  She was too busy trying to screw people for money...and I mean both ways.  She bragged to me that the women in our family 'did what they had to, to get by'  She cheated on every man she was ever with.  They never gave her enough money and she felt it was due to her, just because she was who she was.  She still cheats on the guy she's with now. 

One time, when I was 18 she brought me down for a 'vacation' to a wealthy friend of hers for a week.  He pawed at me for the whole week.  I kept trying to get away from him and all she did was laugh.  When we got back, she went on this shopping spree with me and told me that he 'gave' her $10,000 for coming down.  Now that I'm older, I realized she was trying to pimp me out to her friend and when I didn't go for it she gave him his 'happy ending'.  The $10,000 didn't last long.  She spent it on stuff for the house and gifts.  It was the best christmas we ever had, but the light company still turned off our power and the furnace quit because there wasn't any fuel in it.  There was pot-o-plenty though.

The only thing my mom did right was by letting me have animals.  She did support me with that.  However, it was always about her.  Even when I would win, she would tell the story that I couldn't have done it without her because she was an awesome mom, who sacrificed everything for me.  I had to bite my tongue many times over the years when she over shadow me with her deluded accomplishments.

The one time I did go to her was the final blow for me.  For having any hopes that she would be the momma I deperately wanted.  Her  now boyfriend had started to molest me on the couch at night when I fell asleep.  Before that, it was just verbal abuse...and I got use to it and believed it.  It was normal then to be told I was nothing.  I woke up one night to him breathing heavy over me and feeling funny.  I was 17.  I could feel his hands grooping around and I had sick feeling in my stomach.  It was the night before valentines day.  I told my mom the next morning.  She kicked him out.  I was happy that finally she stood up for me.

However 3 months later she sat me down.  She was angry.  Told me I was just trying to ruin her happiness.  I was liar and jealous and wanted him for myself.  That since I was 17 and would be leaving home soon, that she had a right to her own life...and he would be coming home to stay.  If I had a problem with it, I could leave.

My heart broke.  I loved her so much.  But since I was a little girl she always told me I had no one else other than her.  There was no other family to go to.  She was all I knew my whole life.  I grew up very poor and very abused.  I was emotionally stuck.  I wanted nothing more than to leave.  But I couldn't because I believed what I was told, that to leave her, was to leave the everything...and leave everything meant I had nothing.

So I stayed for 2 more years.

Then I eloped with this tall handsome man.  I had my first bruises after a month.  We fought all the time.  He would chase me, choke me, grab me and shake me violently.  He never hit me, so he felt it was never abuse.  At 4 months pregnant and during a fight he dragged me on the floor by my hair and put me in a choke hold till I passed out.  Our son was born three weeks early and from the looks of him, he was healthy and happy.

Two more years and during another fight he grabbed me and threw my so hard he broke my ankle, both large and small tibea bones were completely broken and poking through my skin.

I couldn't leave.  Since I left home my mom would only yell at me.  She made me feel bad for every time we had a fight and would tell me that if I had just done what she said I'd be safe.  I realized then, I married the male version of my momma.

Another 2 years and cheated on me and kicked and our son out...in the middle of a Maine winter, I had no job, no friends (except one I was allowed to keep from my old life before him) and no car...I wasn't allowed to drive either (I had a licence).

From that moment on all my mom could do was talk about killing my X.  Taking him to court.  Trying to find ways to arrest him and put him in jail.  Has never been caught or justice brought for his actions.  I tried once, but his new wife had people in the police department that 'lost my paperwork' and 'missed the date for the statute of limitiations'.

I kept trying to make a new life for myself.  I had a job.  I had a car.  I had my son (for the most part).  But I never left the small town I lived in.  I've stayed up till this point and never really knowing why I was.

I had a new boyfriend.  He was so different from anything I ever had.  It's hard to describe the vast difference between him and my X and my mom.  In simplest terms...he's a total 180 different from them.  Of course my mom was sure he was too good to be true and tried to get us to break up.  She tried to meddle in everything my new relationship.  And if I had something to say, she would bulldoze right over me and make it about her.  How smart she was, how she lived a hard life and knew more than me and everyone else.

Finally after being happy for a while, she went away hammer on my X.  I was tired of it, especially since she was now involving my son in this.  I had enough one day and told her she was to never tell my son about how bad his father is.  Told her she took my childhood away from me because she involved me in adult things too early and too often for a child.  She wasn't going to do that to my son, ever.  Of course she took offense and there started the fight.

We fought for 2 hours on the phone, when I realized I was continuing the fight and could end it.  I realized she is what she is, she isn't going to change.  What could I do for my life and my family (me, my now husband and my son).

I could take control over my life.  And I spoke to her for the last time and she tried to pick another fight...and when she hung up to try to make me feel bad...I didn't call her back.

I haven't called her back since last June.  I have no plans on calling her back.  She's poison, no matter how much she claims to love my son (she only sends cards to my son).  Which some part of me still wants her to really notice me and love me...I know it'll never happen.

And I'm not waiting for her either.  From the time I was 10, when I finally realized what was really going on in my home...till now, I've wasted my time waiting for her.

My husband and I will be graduating college next year.  We're moving.  We're renting a u-haul, packing everything we want to take with us...our son (my husband treats my son as if he was his own), our cat and our 2 fish.  We're heading south...not sure where and it doesn't matter.

I have a life, we have a life and a good future and I'm not gonna spend it wasting my time waiting for the past to change or people to change.  They don't and I'm okay with that.  I have love for the first time in my life.  I'm happy.

sweetlillyluna sweetlillyluna
26-30, F
Mar 4, 2010