The Situation Is Not Getting Any Better.

I'm so lost! I dont know what to do anymore everytime something starts to go right it always goes wrong and im sick and tired of it. I dont know if i can take it anymore all this "it will get better" But it never does get better!!!.

I started self harming when i was 13.

Long story cut short. When i was six i was sexualy abused by my mothers best friends daughter. They dont know. I could never tell her either. At school I was badly bullied. My dad got leukemia. My best friend had a tumor that turned cancerous. I didnt get on with my stepdad. The one person who i thought was my knight in shinning armour turned out to be a tosser in tin foil! He whisked me off my feet made everythign feel ok. I opened up to him but he left like everyone else taking what little was left of me. My best friend who had a tumour was dating my best guy mate... He left her and she blamed me! Saying i knew and didnt tell her etc the friends i had at school started hating me.Mum found out i started self harming and took me to get coucilling where i was spoken to like an idiot and put on all types of drugs (ob including anti deppressants) Once i was "better" I began college. My dad died. I stoped going into college and work and just sat in my room wishing i could be with him 2 weeks after he died my stepdad took away all my elctronics and my ligth saying "If you dont work and dont pay rent you cant use our electric". My brother started being violent to me and Mum stood by and let it happen. I failed to take my life. I failed at everything!

I have no family & my fathers side dont talk to me. No one wants me and everywhere i go i cause pain.

I began work but soon was made redundant and now im back here again. Where i was. In this room

Now im 20 and i cant stand it anymore. I'm so pathetic i'm self harming again and i dont want to live. Nothing ever works out and nothing is ever ok and it wont ever be. I feel like im 16 again all the hopes and dreams i had are gone and mean nothing. I cant stand living here. Nothing i can write will express how much i hate it. I dont exist im ignored because "it's best" I'm sitting here on my laptop thinking how long i have it for untill it gets taken away for i am using "electric" but for now paying rent with my saving which will not last forever...

I cant keep doing this! I'm fat and ugly with no ambitions anymore and nowhere to go.

I just dont know how to live, how to carry on like this. I cant.

I keep thinking about what would be the best way to take my life? I tried to hang myself but the cord broke and i ended up with bad burns which meant not leaving my room whenever someone was in and not going out anywhere . One friend saw my leg when we were drinkign and shared a toilet, she said she knows what im doing and that she understands...I tried to explain how i feel but she just ignored it and carried on like nothing had happend. I felt imbarressed and stupid when she said she had seen my cuts on my tummy and legs when i'd been asleep round hers and my clothes had moved around. They are on my arms and i have a awful scar across my wrist. everytime i look at it all i see is fail. I know all im doign is making more scars but i cant stop.

It's the only thing i can do to cope. I've tried to write a book about everything and i've thought about telling my mum but i just couldnt. I have a book i write in when i feel down but it does nothing. The cuts are getting worse and worse and im runnign out of places i can cut that i can hide. I've tried to change my life so many times i even tried moving away but i end up back here in this hole.

I know it sounds awful and pathetic. Stupid! I just cant stop! i cant live here!!

I just cant take much more of this!

I dont know what i think i will accomplish by writting this the part of you not knowing who i am helps i quess.

I just dont want to live like this anymore.

Itsnicci Itsnicci
18-21, F
5 Responses Jul 16, 2010

I know exactly how you feel. Surrounded by people prophesying about "the light at the end of the tunnel" yet you've been in the dark for so long, you almost forget what the light looks and feels like. Being afraid to feel joy in something, because every time you do, it all just blows up in your face. I know these feelings....They basically make up my entire existence. There is though, one thought that comforts me even in my darkest moments: I am not alone, and neither are you.

I know what your feeling.. my life is so bad that i don't think with words I could tell you but makes changes and live your life do what you want not cause your self harm nothing is worth that. <br />
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It never easily in life, especially the times you feel like the person you need to turn to is not there, my situation is similar in some ways but I have not and will not give up fight with it and focus on making a life for your self not anyone else. <br />
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Do this for yourself and don't harm your self.

I think you have strength. I hear it in your words. Think about what you really want to do, be. And think about how you might be able to start doing that and being that. <br />
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I think you are going to make it. I was 20 once. I know how you are feeling. Don't give up. Keep fighting. <br />
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Self harm is about grounding and making yourself feel alive. You are alive. You are okay.

You sounds like you want to change but perhaps don't know where to start. Writing this is a good start...when you see things on paper somehow it makes things seem more possible. Start to write daily about the things you do want or have always thought or but maybe dismissed them. When you journal or write daily you can see reoccurring issues or problems more clearly and hopefully start to see solutions. <br />
Professional help could be useful to support you along you journey to change your life, just having someone to speak to about your situation will eventually feel a weight off you mind and allow you to move forward rather than backwards. <br />
I wish you every success in your journey for happiness! If you can imagine it, you can achieve it!

No one wants to live like that...and believe me I know how that feels. The thing is, your situation is a really really difficult one but your hope is in moving on with life-not taking it away. Your success is in staying strong and coping and I swear I dont know how to console you, because it must be so difficult beyond anyones comprehension but the truth is that you MUST cope and if anything you need to rid of those people that hurt you. I dont have a very supportive family network myself, and I was really weak before, but you have to stay strong because something even something small must have happened that may be a good thing-otherwise the future can only give you what you need. Sorry, Im still prcessing everything. All anyone can say now is that so far you have done it...keep going.