The Situation Is Not Getting Any Better.I'm so lost! I dont know what to do anymore everytime something starts to go right it always goes wrong and im sick and tired of it. I dont know if i can take it anymore all this "it will get better" But it never does get better!!!.
I started self harming when i was 13.
Long story cut short. When i was six i was sexualy abused by my mothers best friends daughter. They dont know. I could never tell her either. At school I was badly bullied. My dad got leukemia. My best friend had a tumor that turned cancerous. I didnt get on with my stepdad. The one person who i thought was my knight in shinning armour turned out to be a tosser in tin foil! He whisked me off my feet made everythign feel ok. I opened up to him but he left like everyone else taking what little was left of me. My best friend who had a tumour was dating my best guy mate... He left her and she blamed me! Saying i knew and didnt tell her etc the friends i had at school started hating me.Mum found out i started self harming and took me to get coucilling where i was spoken to like an idiot and put on all types of drugs (ob including anti deppressants) Once i was "better" I began college. My dad died. I stoped going into college and work and just sat in my room wishing i could be with him 2 weeks after he died my stepdad took away all my elctronics and my ligth saying "If you dont work and dont pay rent you cant use our electric". My brother started being violent to me and Mum stood by and let it happen. I failed to take my life. I failed at everything!
I have no family & my fathers side dont talk to me. No one wants me and everywhere i go i cause pain.
I began work but soon was made redundant and now im back here again. Where i was. In this room
Now im 20 and i cant stand it anymore. I'm so pathetic i'm self harming again and i dont want to live. Nothing ever works out and nothing is ever ok and it wont ever be. I feel like im 16 again all the hopes and dreams i had are gone and mean nothing. I cant stand living here. Nothing i can write will express how much i hate it. I dont exist im ignored because "it's best" I'm sitting here on my laptop thinking how long i have it for untill it gets taken away for i am using "electric" but for now paying rent with my saving which will not last forever...
I cant keep doing this! I'm fat and ugly with no ambitions anymore and nowhere to go.
I just dont know how to live, how to carry on like this. I cant.
I keep thinking about what would be the best way to take my life? I tried to hang myself but the cord broke and i ended up with bad burns which meant not leaving my room whenever someone was in and not going out anywhere . One friend saw my leg when we were drinkign and shared a toilet, she said she knows what im doing and that she understands...I tried to explain how i feel but she just ignored it and carried on like nothing had happend. I felt imbarressed and stupid when she said she had seen my cuts on my tummy and legs when i'd been asleep round hers and my clothes had moved around. They are on my arms and i have a awful scar across my wrist. everytime i look at it all i see is fail. I know all im doign is making more scars but i cant stop.
It's the only thing i can do to cope. I've tried to write a book about everything and i've thought about telling my mum but i just couldnt. I have a book i write in when i feel down but it does nothing. The cuts are getting worse and worse and im runnign out of places i can cut that i can hide. I've tried to change my life so many times i even tried moving away but i end up back here in this hole.
I know it sounds awful and pathetic. Stupid! I just cant stop! i cant live here!!
I just cant take much more of this!
I dont know what i think i will accomplish by writting this the part of you not knowing who i am helps i quess.
I just dont want to live like this anymore.
Itsnicci 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 Jul 16, 2010