Often Times....

I wish I could just disappear. My brother died one year ago this month. He was 24 years old. He died because he was taking RX meds for an injury. On this particular night, he also drank alcohol. He was out with some friends, so they took him to one of their houses to sleep it off. He aspirated after vomiting in his sleep. He was in a coma for the month of October last year. Because of complete brain damage, the doctors recommended to end life support. It was Oct. 30th of last year. My mom has been fighting very aggressive cancer for the last 6 years. She was a very beautiful and kind person. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer. She had surgery, chemo, radiation. The cancer had spread to her brain, then to her lungs, then to her stomach. During the last few months of her life, the stomach cancer filled her stomach so she could not eat or hold food to digest. She weighed 92 lbs. when she died two months ago. I miss them so very much. It hurts so much. There is a huge hole in my heart. Sometimes when I am with other people, at work, at church, or wherever, I wish that I could just disintegrate and slowly float away into nothing. I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to die. I don't want to cause any of my loved ones to feel the loss or any more pain of losing someone. I just want to disappear .