And Thats What I'll Do

I don't care.. I'll go back to bed... OD on some pills and sleep... Hope I don't wake up but its a faded hope.. when night comes again I will try to once again commit suicide... **** school..  I don't want life anymore
NoatoNoaki NoatoNoaki
18-21, M
1 Response Sep 28, 2011

My most horrible dream ever was that of waking up inside my "dead" body... well, not dead actually, just sleeping. My body was sleeping and I was awake inside of it... for hours and hours! It felt like a dream but it was empty! All I could see was the darkness but I soon realized it was the blackness of my closed eyelids! I was aware I was awake because I could hear crickets, the passing of cars on a distant bridge, the faint radio of a neighboring house..but I could not open my eyes.. I could not move my arms or my legs.. I tried to grope, push, lift myself.. to no avail! I exerted all my willpower to move my body but, not an inch! I felt an itch in my leg and as time progressed, that itch turned into a burning torture! I started to cry inside... I wanted to shout! Nothing! I kept straining and straining! Nothing! and finally praying that dawn would come! That someone would shake me and wake me up! Nothing and nobody! I could not believe I was asleep while my heart was pounding! I felt I was dying! A whole lot of empty blackness and yet it was really, Really Horrible! <br />
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I don't exactly know how I managed to break free from that "coma". But I immediately ran bawling to my older brother in the next room crying "Ayokong Mamatay!!" ("I Don't Want to Die!!") I woke up my whole household. My parents reproached me for being such a big baby. I was 9 then, but it was to my brother that I cried those two words. (I was not close to my parents.) Why those two words? Because it was precisely the thought of what death would be like that I carried into my dreams that night. <br />
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I was expecting it to be near dawn because of all my terrible waiting. It was not even 12:30. I was "asleep" for just over three hours. It felt like eternity. I have carried the memory of that dream all these years because I've never had anything like it again. Maybe it was "bangungot" but I think it was a vision of death given to me. A death without God. <br />
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In death, I guess you get what you wish for. For atheists, no God, no Creation, Nothing. I pray that you will never awake to that Eternity of Nothing. An Eternity of Nothing is my definition of Hell.