In My Perfect World..
Like this group says, I want to live differently. But can I? I feel so tied down by all these social norms and expectations. I used to pride myself in speaking out when it was needed and no one could do it. I didn't care what people thought. But I feel like any other coward now. Someone who is too afraid of what other people think to take a shot at something they wanted for themselves.. Why should we have to live by what other people expect? You know what I really want to be? I really wish I could just drop out of uni right now. Yep! Anyone watched the movie Accepted? I love that movie. Gosh it breaks every social norm. Faux pas yeah baby! I wish I could do that.
Anyway yeah... I want to go to makeup school... or get a full-time job that provides training for photography or acting [part-time job as an extra? nothing serious..] But I want to live life! Try stuff out. I really couldn't care less about studying business. I really can't see myself being confined to an office! But I feel bad for my parents the most... They spent so much money.. SO much money on my tuition fees and extra to get me tutoring for my university entrance exam and I feel terrible I couldn't even get a great score.. And now I could potentially be the dropout daughter? I feel bad for them because they're always smiling and telling me to study hard in university so I can get a good house when I'm older.. We're quite poor so I feel terrible. What am I meant to do?
I feel so ****.. I know its ignorant and stupid to say this but I wish I had MPD. Okay yeah I know.. I don't know all the **** stuff that can happen to you when you have it [crazy evil personalities?] but I feel so lost and scared right now. I have no one to turn to. I don't trust my friends. I just can't.. Sometimes I wish someone with a stronger persona could take over me for a while so I can sort myself out. There's so much stuff I really don't want to remember. I got sexually abused by my cousin. I hate getting flashbacks and I want to gag and scream and punch someone. Or even myself because I let him do it. I can't tell anyone and its driving me crazy. I can't cry. It won't come out even though I want to. I wish I could just hide for a while.
I have this vision of my own perfect world... I'd have lots of friends I could trust in without getting scared I'll get hurt.. A loving family.. and I'd be able to choose what to do..
Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this sad. I know theres people out there with worser problems than me so who am I to complain right? But I feel so lost. What am I going to do with my life? I hate my body too. I eat sweets a lot when I feel lonely. Maybe because it makes me feel like I'm in my happy place for just a little while. I can inject a bit of sweetness into my world if only for a while until that chocolate bar finishes.. I'm not obese but I'm scared I will be if I continue.. There's so much **** going on I can't say it all.. No I'm not a happybitch although thats what I would be in my perfect world.. ***** as in ''I don't care what you say but I'm going to do things my way"