Sometimes I Think About Running Away


I never pack up my bags but sometimes the urge comes to move somewhere. Press restart.

I am a young professional, but this feels reminiscent of a bratty teen. What separates is that I don't just take action like I would have around 15-19. The thought of relocation is a scrolling, looping background to considerations shape shifting.

I only have a GED, but have a year on the job expirience as mid-level management in customer service, plus showing a few years dedication to the company as an entry level. Perhaps with expirience I have a bit of leverage in job searches depending on the area, but knowing how tough it is for those with much more experience leaves me doubtful. I also think of my family, they are, for the most part, here. My parents, siblings, cousins, grand parents, etc. who all wished I visited more, which I appreciate, but, wished I didn't feel obligated. I shouldn't feel obligated, I enjoy family get togethers. Maybe it's a yearning for freedom. Just that nature of 'if it's expected of me it's immediately a less desirable option.' I may like apple pie, but if you 'expect' me to eat it, the part of me which enjoys it is quickly turned off.

Ha! It looks so rebellious on paper.

For a moment during this turn off I tend to look around at other options. Why can't I just move to a new city, keep contact with the family sure, but assert my own life? Maybe find a more suitable job for me, not that I have a huge problem with the one I have, it's just that I feel a dissatisfaction I'm sure can be cured.

Hard work, I've come to terms with. First world problem: I feel the need to 'come to terms' with 'hard work.'
I usually justify this with the thought 'few are fortunate to have opportunity, I should respect that by taking opportunities.' Like, in addition to some good hard work you can find something which you take to heart which makes the hard work something different. I can take the necessity of 'work' in and of itself to heart and appreciate it enough to fight off existential crisis, but I think I need something else to sustain.

Then running away comes to mind. Kinda negative to call it that, but I fear that's what it is. Because there is a difference in a healthy bit of adventure and independance, versus wanting to hide from something. Maybe hide from a relationship, because I don't want to face it ending. Or hide from responsibility, hide from a conflict with not giving into others demands and expectations. Maybe those are just catalysts for me to see freedom within my power to just walk away and make my own choices.

So here I am. Thinking about how difficult it is to make a decision. Which is what I guess it ultimately comes down to. Im hoping maybe understanding why I want to make this choice will help me understand it more and actually make it. I'm willing to bet that that, too, is something only I can answer for myself.
Demise Demise
22-25, F
Sep 9, 2012