I Am Almost 50

I had another birthday a few weeks ago, and I turn 48. I have been in several relationships and none of them turned out to be the right person. Now maybe at the time they were the right person, because everything happens for the right reasons, right? Anyway I realize the chances of me having a long lasting fulfilling relationship or really becoming slim.  I wish I could start over and find the person who would have made a good partner and be married, maybe celebrating 20 + years of marriage. 

I am not too bummed over it but it does bother me. Now that I am older , I often find myself not even wanting to go into a new relationship. I am at a real crossroads again in my life and really don't know what I do want next. I don't know if that even matters if I do or don't.  

I can look back and see the mistakes I made...how I tried to fix my partners when I couldn't get my life together. So I guess that is part of the problem I feel like my life is in a holding pattern and what could I offer another person anyway. Yes and before anyone says life is a series of starts and stops and start overs again....well it gets old  and that is just how I am feeling at this moments.

TA-DA!

Herly 

Herly Herly
46-50, F
6 Responses May 24, 2008

My biggest regret in life is living in fear. Always expecting the worst, lock myself with the ceiling I created in my mind and worrying about tomorrow. Only if I knew, it was I, who created those limitations...

It is not an old behavior if I keep doing it in present time. I wanna break free. Freedom from the bondage of self. How does that look like in real life?

every day you wake up is an opportunity to start a new life. you simply need to make the decision that starting afresh is something you want to do. <br />
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it really is as easy as that, we all have the power to shape our own lives

i had a friend. he's in his 60's yet very active socially and sexually. he could make any person fall in love with him despite his age... he's so addicted to life and love...

I think a lot of us at this age become start to analyze everything in our lives. It's like... well, it's almost like a biological clock, but of a different sort. We feel like that clock's tickin' away towards old age, & we're afraid we aren't going to get thru our bucket list, or that we'll be crunched up in a wheelchair in some old folks' home all full of regrets... it does sound like you are NOT looking to hop into a relationship to "complete" yourself, & that's good!

That just it I don't feel lonely I just wish things had been different and because you can't change the past, I am feeling apathetic towards relationships...only because I am not willing to make the same mistakes again thinking this time it will be different. I am saying I don't know what I want because I don't know where I am in life. So like I said at the crossroad not knowing which way to go and the point is I wish I had figured this out a long time ago.

I have long questioned the concept of "one right person". After 2 failed marriages, and other relationship fiascos, I am trying again. I'm deeply involved in another relationship. It's given me hope to not give up. Still and all, I learned something from each experience.