I'm a college student in his second year. Up until 12th grade of high school, I managed to be a straight A student who worked really hard for his results but didn't have much of a social life. In 12th grade, I let myself go in terms of education and health. I somehow ended up making some of the most amazing, intelligent, sophisticated, and entertaining friends I could ever ask for.

But I paid a steep price for it. I focused all my attention on those friends and I put aside everything else. Why? Well, as I was growing up, my family moved from state to state across America because of my dad's job being changed around a lot. Every time I made new friends and got close to them, they would be torn apart from me and I'd have to start all over again. I hated it but I never said anything to my parents because they were already working really hard to give everything to me.

So, when I made these friends in a state I finally had a chance of being permanently in, I poured everything I had into them. I sacrificed so much. I regret all of it.

I wish I had focused on my grades. I could have gotten into much better colleges with a better scholarship. I could have done more for myself. I don't regret making friends. What I regret is putting my effort into so many people who used me like a doormat, into so many people who didn't give even 5 percent of it back to me, into friends who can't even remember a birthday, into friends who judge you for the slightest reasons yet expected to be treated kindly.

College started and I still hadn't learned my lesson. I still wasted my time with those same friends. I fell in love with a girl second semester of my freshman year. She was the one person who gave back as much as I gave her most of the time. She cared for me. She laughed with me. She fought with me. She fought against me. She gave to me as she took from me. She was the one person I found stability in. And I clung to her.

She was the one person who cared for me the same and I clung to her. I ended up holding on so tight that I ended up pushing her away. I didn't want to let go of this beautiful girl who finally took away the one thing I feared in life.. Loneliness. I was clingy, I was demanding, I was controlling, and I was an idiot. Now, our relationship is on the verge and with it, the friendship that gave me the warmth and strength to continue.

In face of the fact that I had lost her, I did stupid things. I started playing with fire. I started going crazy. I sped my car really fast to feel a rush. I drove with my eyes closed wishing I had the strength to end everything.

Now, I'm left with crappy grades, very few friends who care, parents who worked so hard for me that they're angry (with very good reason) and threatening to kick me out for bad grades, a best friend that I might lose at any minute.

All of this happened in less than 2.5 years time. It was a whirlwind and here I am... left miles behind everyone and lonely once again.

I wish I could start over.
deleted deleted
26-30
Jan 10, 2014