And The Winner Loses All

How do you go from looking at someone over a webcam for hours a day...to living in the same house...and never even looking at them?

I look back on the last three years of my life with MrX, and I wonder at the whirlwind of these months. The first year of being bounced around waiting for him to leave his marriage...of the roller coaster feeling...so high when he turned his love on me...so low when he ******** it away.

It was surreal to move forward...surreal because he seemed to be treading water for so long, and when he started moving forward it was so blurringly, blindingly fast, I couldn't keep up with it all. A ring for my finger, spending so much time together, and after just six months of this, he's here with me, sleeping in my house, living in my house, playing father to my kids, going to family outings with me. Surreal.

And now? Now, it's surreal in a different way. He's so different now. So disjoint. So separate from me. We go for weeks at a time, spending every day together...working from home, there are only a very few hours when we aren't in the same room together...but this distance...is far greater than the two thousand physical miles that once kept us apart.

How do you go from looking at someone over a webcam for hours a day...to living in the same house...and never even looking at them?

I don't understand at all...He says I changed...that I have faults. Well. I always had faults. Most of them were things I accepted and wanted to change...but he swore were strengths and reasons to love me.

Now?

We sit three feet apart, but he never looks at me. His hands...hands that once needed to touch me all the time...hands that woke passions in me that I never knew existed...they all but jerk away if I try to touch him. His touch is one of duty now, not of need. His desires are of his own need, not of any desire for me personally.

For a year, I waited on this man. Waited and listened to his words. Devoured them with the thirst of someone in the desert for two days and no water. Words I longed to hear with all I am. Words saying I was beautiful...that I made him a better man...that I was an "amazing woman"...that he needed me. Other words...that calmed this raging torrent in my soul that had never really felt loved before. Words that made me feel sexy and pretty when I never have before. He looked at me, and seemed to see me, whole and flawed...but find something beautiful and worthwhile.

I waited on him. Hurt with him over a marriage ending. Hurt with him and cried for him. Tried to help him. Hating her. Hating myself for hoping that I might have him someday. And thinking...if I had him...I'd have everything. That love and devotion he showed me a shadow of now...that he showed her even when she treated him so badly...I would have that completely...and what could life throw my way that I couldn't survive?

His eyes...that looked at me with such longing that my heart would break anew every time I saw him - on webcam or in person...

Now, he barely looks at me. His touch is of duty. His communication is almost nonexistent. I feel like we've been together for fifty years, and we're just here because we're too tired to do anything else.

I go through my days, trying to be what I was, in spite of what he has become...trying to resurrect that part of him that I need so desperately. Knowing that if he were that person, I would be the loving, affectionate, doting person naturally...it's what I do...who I am.

I go through my days, trying to smile, trying to nuzzle his neck and snuggle. Trying to wake that passion that drew me to him...and inside, I scream and cry...

Because I believe she broke him. When she saw that he didn't want her, she broke him so that he wouldn't be good for anyone else.

I won...but in winning, I have lost everything.

And even though I cringe to type these words. I wish I could stop loving him. Because as long as I love him this much, I can't begin to think of a life without him. Whatever shell of a life this has become.
flowersinherhair flowersinherhair
31-35, F
2 Responses Sep 14, 2012

The tragedy is yours. It is personal. Like in a war every soldier feels the war his own though it is happening on a mass scale. What you are experiencing happens to so many. It is something so fundamental to human relationships. Something happens in the beginning, who we are, who the other falls in love with, changes. We don't see it in ourselves anymore than they see it in themselves. But both change. It is a strange slow process of a thousand tiny cracks forming on the heart. A film slowly accumulates on the sense of love through which we see one another. It is an emotional phenomenon as common as any physical one. You can set your watch to it. Now how the couple chooses to react in an attempt to counter the continuous process of a tarnishing love is the only variable to this terrible equation.

:-( You two looked so good together. Like a couple. A real honest to goodness couple. This is sad in so many ways.