It's Not That I Can't, It's That I Won't. It's Bad Karma, And I Want To Get It Out Of My Soul, But It's Too Bad Too Share.

My son took his life, and the guilt, pain, and repercussion I feel is more than I can share with anyone.  I don't know how I keep hanging on to life.  I feel this impetus to "talk it out" to someone. but I feel that my thoughts are too much to share.  I feel that I should be dead.  I understand the primary instincts, and I see that eliminating "Survival of the Species" disables "Self Survival." 

I reckon I'm looking for an anonymous ear that will not feel so close as to take pain from what I say, but might be able to offer a connection close enough to listen with heart.  It seems inconceivable to me.  I feel that anyone I could share this with would be someone I wouldn't want to burden with the pain,  I know my family knows most of my feelings, but it would be cruel to tell any of them what I feel.  I feel the need to talk to someone, and I don't know how to share what's inside me. 

It's been 11 years, and the feelings still burn inside me.  I know I need to talk, but I don't know how to share.  I know I'll never get over his death, and that seems right to me, but I feel like I must share this pain with someone or burst.  The thoughts, feelings, and words go through my head continually. 



I've done things that I know are good, and so many people (some that know of my son, and some that don't) tell me I'm valuable and worthwhile, but I feel like I deserve to die a painful death. 



I know anyone would tell me to talk to a counselor, but none would know my son and the depth of the loss to the world, nor would they acknowledge my responsibility.  It feels pointless to even write this, but I need to talk so much. 

TooMuchToShare TooMuchToShare
51-55
Mar 11, 2010