No More..... Please??

I'm shaken, shattered. I am lost. I cannot find my way. I can't sleep, when I do I wake soaked in sweat. Another nightmare and I'm screaming or crying again. Sometimes both. Always shaking and scared. Lost in fear. Sometimes I realize it's only 2pm and I am awake. It feels real again......I'm 4 again. Thank you God for not granting memory at the fragile age of 8 months old. Every rib broken. I'm hurt that I'm treated different when people find out he did it to me. My feelings and emotions are all over the place. I cannot find safety anywhere. No one understands me. I am all alone. No one cares and I'm so lost. I should have died and I'm often hurt that those doctors fought so hard to save my life. 8 months old is nothing......I'd not have felt a thing if only I'd slipped away with deaths grip. What the hell did they hope to save? Had they ever considered the life I'd have after such damage? Oh yes... you can sexually abuse an 8 month old baby girl. But you will rip her apart. Oh don't worry, if she's lucky they can reconstruct the two openings. Lucky me.... Picture perfect-almost. Gee thanx. Whatever..yes there are some scars there. They have to graft it to something! I was never able to feel that sexy confidence. Beautiful girl you say? I'm so sick of hearing that. What's that? You think I'm hot? My *** is what? If you only knew. The ones who do cruel, just beat me and abuse me more. Emotionaly, verbally, mentally and to have the nerve to even sexually abuse me. Sickos. No man who ever knows will ever love me. Don't ya get it? I'm damaged goods. They want a "daddy's little girl." Well I sure was his little girl. At 8 months old and again at 4 years old. A broken arm and leg at 4 that healed closed at the joint for 3 months. Both had to be snapped to be re-opened and usable. You ever been swung in the air by your broken leg with your mouth taped shut and arms taped behind ur back? How about ur toes melted together by matches and you HAVE TO LAY THERE and TAKE IT! You CAN'T DO ANYTHING. NOTHING. Forcing you to eat disgusting stuff. Trying over and over to choke and smother you into opening your mouth to get it in there. What a battle. He tried to rape me again when I was 16 but I wasn't 4 anymore! I was big enough to try to fight back this time. If you knew the torture at four. If you knew how sick a human being could be the disgusting torture. I don't want pity. I wanted love. I wanted understanding. I wanted anything. I wanted everything and I wanted nothing all at the same time. What I didn't want was what he did to me. I didn't want to end up like this. I went through so much because of what he did to me. I no longer physically harm myself but I'm still tormented. I blamed myself. The anorexia, bulimia, drugs, the cuts, the suicide attempts. Self hatred, abuse, sabatoge. I want you to stay but I push you away. You'll only leave any way. Everyone always does. I'm so hurt and scared. I need you to hold me and tell me I'm safe. I'll never be safe. I never was. Will I ever be? I've been so strong. What for? It's been such a tough road. So many let downs. No more pain. Leave me to die in peace then. Sicko puts battery acid all over the area down there hoping to cover up my intestines and the rest of my insides that were hanging out. Which I got gan grene in and had to have a colostomy. I'm lucky it was reversed because it was placed on the permanant side. It was never to be closed as their wasn't enough intestime left to connect back together. Sicko psycho smart enough to put it all over my eyes. Tells them I was playing with one of the batteries from his shop. What's an 8 month old doing playing with a car battery? She rolled off the picnic table that's how her ribs broke. What's an 8 month old doing left alone to lay on a picnic table? The photos are disgusting. I'm so lucky that only my ears are scarred and a tiny spot on the side of my nose. I'm allergic to everything....perfumes, soaps, detergents, many things. I was also allergic to diapers. He tore me up and destroyed me. And she let him do it. She's still with him now. The kicker? I was born on Mothers Day. How painful it is...I've heard so so many times through out my life "oh, what a wonderful present you must have been!" yah....appears that way. Then he puts the house, his shop, the corvette, the harley, the horses, everything that he owns in my younger brothers name. Yes, that's right. I'm one of the first, few women/people who grew up and sued their parents for abusing them........and I won! But.........he's a scumbag. They garnish her weekly wages. He pays nothing. True, she stood by and let him do it to me, how could a mother not see you that burnt and red and sores and burns? Not hear you screaming that loud constantly in pain and NOT know? How did she not care? So I shouldn't really care anymore that no one loves or cares for me right? If your own parents try to kill you, then...? I don't want pity. I wanted to be loved for me. For who I am. I love people. My heart aches for others. I could never hurt someone viciously and see tears in their eyes from pain I've purposely inflicted. I can't handle when babies cry for a bottle or for need of anything. It tears my heart to pieces. I can't handle that hurt. I can't accept it. It'll hurt me to know because God I pray this hasn't happened to another. But I know deep down that I can't be the only one who was so brutally sexually abused. I can't believe I wrote most of it down finally. Oh well, no one talks to me now so what's the difference. I can't lose what I don't already have. If this happened today he'd be crucified. Back then? It was investigated by the Bureau of Criminal Investigation. Then an easy decision made at their conveinience in the comfort of their own kitchen at the table. A scratchy signature and away she goes-up for adoption. To where? An abusive foster family who later adopted her. I'm sick of paying the price for everyone elses mistakes!!! If you're reading this, I ask only one thing of you? Please keep an open mind and remember next time you see someone who's having a difficult time or you wanna treat someone not so nice: they may be suffering from something so unimaginable that's been done to them. If you'd rather just over look them that's fine. Otherwise, please be nice to people. We all have our real life horror stories and nightmares. They may have just lost a loved one, maybe the only love they'd ever known. They may have cancer or just a few months left to live. They may have suffered such a terrible injustice at the hands of another. Maybe they're contemplating suicide? Drugs? Abortion? Murder? Maybe they've lived such a hell on earth that they feel they'll never find their way. No matter what the situation: haven't we ALL suffered enough? God knows I have............
PrincessInW8ing PrincessInW8ing
36-40, F
16 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Oh, Lord! I just want to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry one. I have two sons about 10 years or so younger than you and I can't imagine if they had to live through half of what you did.

I AM SO SORRY! Your mother failed you. I sincerely hope you're at the point where you don't need her in your life so that you may be able to start moving forward. Baby steps....

I am truly speachless.

May you find your own peace and happiness, Ms. PrincessInW8ing!

Certainly a tough pill to swallow - someone so close to you that would do such terrible things to such a young girl. You are a fighter and that is to be commended :) Your strength should serve as a motivator for similar women who find themselves in a similar situation.

Thank you for sharing this with us :)

I don't have much to say besides I am truly sorry about your suffering.

If you talk to me I'll talk to you...<br />
There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with them.

Just one question: What the h**l were they smoking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You are a beautiful, smart, srtong person. You're a role model to me, and I feel so so lucky to have you as a friend. I have absolutly no frekin idea in the world WHY someone could be that mean, that cold, that heartless. But you say you don't want pity. So I'll try to stop, (but it'll be hard.) after one last thing: OMFG, HOW COULD THEY?? Just remeber, they're are a million people in the world who love you. Even if you've never met them. Like me. Whenever you need to talk, I am here.

gut wrenching and sooooo sad is this story, and to think it still happens. I wish you wellness in your life princess

Where there is life, there is hope. Do not give up on yourself. You are a survivor. You can become more than what you are now. Live life for the now, realize that love is real and the only way to live is to open yourself up to love. <br />
<br />
Those are easy words for me to say because I have not lived the life you have. Yet, they are truth and I beg you to listen. From your words I see a child who is trapped by fear, paralyzed by anger and guilt. You do not live but mourn. Do you not see that you are still giving your attacker power over you? You deserve better than that. All my anger and all my outrage would not make things better for you. Only you deciding to put the past where it belongs- behind you- will make things better. I hope with my most steadfast of hearts that you will find a new path, one that will break out of suffering and allow you to experience the joy and happiness you deserve.

Your story inspires me to better myself... again, I look back on my life and how I've felt and realise that my feelings are groundless in comparison.<br />
<br />
Let's... talk sometime. You've got eons of wisdom that I don't, and I would gladly be your friend.

You will never be damaged goods . You are a beautiful person who has a lot to offer. You are actually quite remarkable.

Darling, What you have left is pain and anger. I feel your pain but, please, focus your anger and let it work for you and not against you. Live, love and find success because it will defeat your tormentor. If you were mine, I would be obligated to inflict pain upon your tormentor. I always find relief in revenge and the knowledge that no one and nothing can defeat me. The same can be true for you. Your past damage does not make you less a valuable person. No one can truly understand but I, and many others will try to help and heal you.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I am shocked at what I just read. I am sitting here with these big drop lets running down my chheks. <br />
<br />
I am so sorry you went through such a horific ordeal. No one deserves to remember those things that you so bravely share. You are a true, a strong and a courageous survivor. Be proud of yourself for having the strength to share such horror. I can only imiagine how much you struggle with these memories. I too have traumatic memories and it is no panic, to recall them or to allow my mind to go into the full pledged memories. It took a lonjg time to realize the only way to work through it is to relive it. It took some souls searching to do it. It is terrifing and it makes you feel as though you're right there going threw it again. It's sad we have to endure this **** and then later in life we have to relive it.<br />
<br />
I don't like reading these things but you know what? When I do it helps me realize I did not have it so bad afterall. <br />
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I wish I could come up with some words that would give you some peace and that woulf take away the aftermath of what you endured. But.... I cannot.. Take care and if you ever want to chat email me.

You remind me that I am not so smart, not so clever, that I know nothing. <br />
I always advocate life but..Horror. I can understand the desire to end pain, even death seems preferable to torture. I am sorry that you had to experience this and that you carry the scars on your body and in your soul. <br />
It sadens and distresses me to find you have experienced this kind of horror. <br />
<br />
I have no advice to give. I can tell you nothing. The waters you have crossed and the shores you have walked are unknown to me. <br />
I can only offer what strenght I have and an ear to listen.

To say that your words brought tears to my eyes seems of little importance. I'm scared to express the hurt I feel for you and what you had to go through. There are not enough words to describe it. Instead I will tell you I wish you hope, all the hope in the world. I wish you blue skies and sunshine and so much love that your heart feels all the warmth it deserves. I wish you everything that makes you smile and anything that might take your tears away.

No one should have to feel such pain. My children grew up with no fear at all because I am their protector. No monsters human or not, large or small could ever get past me to harm them. I wish that I could undo all the bad that happened to you. I can only try to teach mine and others what it is to be a daddy by example. I would willingly pull the switch on your abusers.

no one should have to go through that but u know what from your comment i know you have a sure your the best mother in the world and now he is your life i cant imagine what you have gone through but to be here today i must say your a true soldier ive been through nothing in my life and i can barely cope with myself because i hate myself so much you make me seem like a whimp and you know what i look up to you even though i dont know you you are an amazingly stong woman!!!!!!!! i definately look up to you my hero!!!!