What Would Change?

People  say that despite all their hardships, life has a way of working itself out.  I don't believe that.  If I could go back and change it all i would.  There was a point in my life that I had direction, that I had determination, that I knew what i wanted.  And now I am at a point where things just aren't going my way.  Ever had a feeling in your gut that you knew you shouldn't have followed, yet you did and everything that happened ever since has consistently brought you lower and lower.  My problem?  I fell in love with a woman I couldn't have.  I had a chance to be with her and I didn't take it cause circumstances told me she didn't want me.  When I finally had an idea that she could love me, I nearly lost a friendship forever.  For a time, I was without that friendship.  I found solitude in the arms of another woman, who would later become my wife.  I do love her, but since I have met her, my entire life has fallen into a state that I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up the next morning.  She can make me feel happy, yet my whole life is falling apart around me.  I was once a person who was comfortable, who knew where he was going but since I met her, despite the smile she can put on my face, my life has consistently become worse.  Why?  Do I believe in extraordinary powers guiding my future?  No.  But everytime I see the other woman, my heart aches for what could have been.

       So if I could turn back time, yes I would.  Would things be better?  Would I miss this life I have now?  How can you miss something if you never experienced it?  If i had just told her my feelings that one night so long ago, I could have had her in my life and been with her now.  I know the kind of person she is and we click so perfectly.  Whenever we are together, we laugh. Yet here I sit now, dwelling over what could have been.  And with everything falling apart around me, I wonder if there is someone in the distance trying to tell me something. And what kind of lesson is it?  There are things we do in life that we learn from.  But how can you learn from something that won't ever change?  I was once a person who was ready to take on the world, now I am a man who is trying to hide from it.  So many decisions I have taken have led me here and I don't like here.  Yes i have to live with it and I will.  But yes, give me one chance to change the past and I would.

ycanti ycanti
26-30, M
Oct 24, 2009