I Want To Walk Away From My Life And Just Start Over

I found this site googling "I want to walk away from my life". I’m not brave enough for suicide and perhaps I do have a tiny glimmer of hope that life might be better..just somewhere else. Where no one knows me and I could start over. I did the “right” thing for many years. I married a “stable” guy who didn’t cheat, fall down drunk, hit me or anything like that – yet he treated me so poorly in a hundred other ways. After a devastating chronic medical diagnosis I decided to divorce. Wrong move…not because it was a true mistake, but because my ex husband was vindictive beyond my wildest thoughts. Actually I had some idea..that’s what had kept me there so long..but it was worse. He turned our son against me – my only child. The things he said to him about me are untrue, but that doesnt make it hurt any less. What gave me the courage to leave was connecting with my long lost first love..while it did give me courage to do something I should have done years before, I must live with the shame of that. To prove to everyone and yes definitely myself, I "validated" my affair by marrying long lost love at warp speed. Another wrong move. The young man I remembered is no more and I ignored the red flags I wanted so much to be happy. Now? My son lives with us but wants to leave he hates my husband, who also hates him. My Mother is narcissistic and somewhat of a religious fanatic and calls giving my son instruction as to how to “cast the demons out of our home”..she is high drama. My son is high drama. My husband is high drama. I loathe drama. I relocated 18 months ago to a city about 2 hours from my hometown – I know no one here. My Mother is so distressed about my actions (and her belief that walking away from a “perfectly fine life” was selfish and what a bad mother I am – she also tells my son this indirectly, so he hears it everywhere) that she created drama by telling my ENTIRE family and my closest friends that she knows her side of the saga (where it is always starring her as the victim)..as a result most still talk to me but I can hear and see that “look” of judgement that by divorcing my ex husband I have devastated HER life. I am so very alone, but I am supposed to be one of “those” people – the responsible ones who think everything through to a fault. I have an excellent job..I’m sure to my neighbors my life looks pretty ideallic. I could care less what it looks like, because I know what it is. Empty. Filled with shame and anger at the woman I was who took a chance to be happy and watched it blow up in my face. My son is 16 and thinks I’m a terrible Mom. I dont have anyone. I want to just disappear and let time deal with these people I used to call my family. Allow myself time to heal and them time, perhaps, to understand or at the least forgive. I think about it everyday. Cash out my 401k, pick a map dot, rent a small place and get a job where I dont need to think…so I can heal myself and see if I might be able to reconcile to myself who I am and why I am here. Why is that so bad?
41-45, F
2 Responses Jan 18, 2013

Do what you enjoy.. find your own life back again.. It's never too late.

I think about just packing up and leaving sometimes too. I know I'm not very old, being only 20, and that to some I "haven't seen the real world yet". But even if I haven't, I don't like the looks of it. I have actually considered moving to England for a year after university and renting a place and working a low-paying job and just escaping. Have a bit to think about things, see how others live, and realise that there's a whole world out there and that my little self-centred town in rural Ontario isn't the centre of the universe. Maybe you should do something like that. Pick a place you've always wanted to go to, move there for a year, two years, five years, whatever you need to just step back and evealuate the situation without anyone harping on. Maybe you'll realise something or appreciate your situation. Whatever you need. Remember, it's your life. No one can hold you back. It's not a bad thing. I know a couple of people who have done it. You've put others before you for so long, and I think it's about time you look after yourself for a change :)