My Shocking Realizations

I have struggled with my weight practically my entire life. I was an average-size kid, but I watched my overweight mother diet and starve herself for a lot of years. I just grew up thinking that's something every grown-up did. When I hit puberty at 12-13, I started gaining weight, despite being very active. I was chubby in junior high and by the time I was a junior in high school, I was obese. I developed bulimia (stopped that after high school), and self-loathing issues that still continue to this day.

Me, obese in high school

In 2004 I was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder which wreaks havoc on my hormones, and in turn, keeps me fat (among many other health issues). I was relieved to finally have an answer to why I wasn't losing any weight, and kept fluctuating within the 200-240 pound range, despite being an avid runner, doing yoga daily, and eating a high-protein, high-leafy green vegetarian diet with very limited carbs, sugar, and caffeine.

The whole thing was so defeating- I stayed depressed because I felt disgusting and untouchable due to my weight. No matter what I did, the weight stayed, and I just ended up frustrated and feeling worthless. I figured it was my lot in life, to hate my body and always feel ashamed.

I recently watched the biography of a former anorexic, and was absolutely shocked when she revealed how she maintained her lowest weight. She ate less than 800 calories a day and exercised for 2 hours a day, every day. It was shocking because that was my exact daily routine for about 2 years, and the ONLY way I ever managed to lose any weight. And when I did lose weight, I only got down to about 175 pounds, never any lower without extreme health problems that lead to hospitalizations.

This is my body at one of my lowest weights- as you can see, still not thin.

So my realizations are these:
1. I was an anorexic for years without even realizing it.
2. Perhaps my body is just supposed to be this fat. Nothing I do seems to change my weight without serious harmful side effects, so maybe it's time I started accepting that this is how I look and that's just how it is.

My weird PCOS body shape disgusts me, but it's who I am, and I have to learn to live with it.

Starting to realize this is permanent.

I'm tired of all the fat-hate and thin-obsession in the world bullying me into hating myself.

SpiritOfTheRabbit SpiritOfTheRabbit
36-40, F
37 Responses Sep 26, 2012

Thanks for sharing

You have my eyes..

Your avatar is attractive & funny at the same time. Good choice, as you are an attractive woman and funny at the same time when you write.

Society tells us too much how we should look, or feel about ourselves. I have fought being chubby my whole 64 years and it has been very trying.

I was reading the comments about naturalism, going naked among other naked people. I am tempted to try that, as boys gym class changeroom was not a good experience for me

thank you for sharing your story

Girl, you are beautiful. I find nothing wrong with you, but I've lived my life and am older now and know these things. When you are young, you want to go out and party and have people love you and invite you to things. People are cruel and mean. But, you are beautiful and if that is you on the avatar, you have nothing to worry about. It is hard for me to lose weight. Very hard. I'm old so, I just don't care much anymore. You, are beautiful, so smile and say bleep you and live your life. If no one likes you and is mean, just be glad to be rid of them. Bye and good luck with life.

Its not me on the avatar sadly. But isn't she lovely?

You are a pretty lady, certainly not-was one of your words-"disgusting". I have of late been looking into ways to find relaxation to try to relieve stress. One of the recurring results-and often the stories are from women who are unhappy with their bodies-are stories of going to a nudist resort. They are women who view themselves poorly and struggle for years, and tell of total, almost paralyzing fear of being seen nude. And once they do it, they finally accept themselves for who they are and wish they had done it years before. It may not be for everyone-my wife will never go with me; but it's on my bucket list to try someday. Who knows-it may be for you. Good luck.

I can't even imagine myself willingly letting anyone see me naked. lol

I understand. But you may want to read some of the stories. Believe me-you fit the profile based upon what I read here. I think the most prominent organizations are AANR and naturist society websites where I read the stories of first timers. Or google body acceptance.

Thank you for sharing your struggle. You are beautiful just the way you are. I , too struggle with losing and maintaining weight loss. Right now I'm between a 14 and 16 at 5'9.

You are very pretty. It is time for people to know that we can not control how we look.

Hooray!!! Good for you. Lady!

Yeah, you have got to stop hating your body type and look at the positives. You even acknowledged early on - you are attractive! Hang in there!!!

You are so beautiful!

your pretty cute and look nice i would want to talk to a lady like you

you are a cute and attractive woman and your thumbnail picture is great! one of my biggest issues is with how the money making machines in this world have convinced most of us that we need to be this way or that way, buy this or buy that to be "right" or accepted or popular. i am convinced (and i know i will sound like some sort of conspiracy theorist... but not the case) that an actor or sports figure or some group on Madison avenue could get it into their heads to convince us that walking around with peanut butter smeared on our noses was hip and cool and we would all do it.

the notion that wearing some underwear with the word PINK on it makes us better or sexy or appear smarter, etc is nonsense and for all of those out there who feel that they are individuals and pride themselves on being different are so alike it should scare them...

in point of fact, your body parts all work the same way any other womans do, my body parts work the same way any other mans does, and i would argue that the pleasures we all attribute to looks really come from the mind... and the central nervous system of course!!! there are people who are disabled who ahve vibrant sex lives and are viewed as sexy by those who love them...

love yourself, find others who love you, and the moment you think someone is seeing something other than you the spirit... leave them behind...

I love the jiggles along with the giggles!

You must love yourself outside as well as in, You have alot to offer find one person to love you as you shold be loved. Turn off the television burn you magazines and enjoy your life. You deserve it.

You've got to stop hating on yourself. You're not ugly.

SpiritOfTheRabbit you are one very hot lady! you do not have to be self conj-us about the way you look, or who are!

I think that you are gorgeous. Quit wasting time thinking that you're not.

I would have hoped I am one of hundreds of guys to tell you you are absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous...oh, wait, it says 291 people have read this story...and 31 responses... I'll read the rest of the comments after writing mine so as to be more sincere rather than just to try and fill in the gaps of what anyone else has written to stand out as being more original...
so...90% of men do not understand the media obsession of the past 20 years with thin-ness. You're perfect. ENJOY life to the full

You are a beautiful girl so be happy ... and you can bake... now I am intrigued ;)

you look stunning - I think you give yourself hard time. You seems discipline about diet. Enjoy your beautiful life and body - you will loose more weight that way.

I think you are stunningly beautiful and sexy

you are a beautiful woman and don't let anyone tell you differently. When I do date women I look for them about your size and not that it matters of course.

You look very pretty. I know self perceptions can be very difficult to alter but, it would greatly benefit you to know that you are beautiful and sexy.

sweetheart you're very pretty and very sexy don't let other tell you that you are not. . baby you look so good i would marry you tomorrow .

Ask jesus to help you with your problem and he will

Love yourself! You are not supposed to be fat and you are not supposed to think that skinny is beautiful. Just think healthy and happy is where you wanna be, regardless of the number on the scale. :)

It must be frustrating. You're right to be content with yourself. Starving our bodies is just as unhealthy as being overweight. The best thing we can do is to eat nutritious foods, be active and let our bodies take care of themselves.

That eat-healthy part is the trick. Lots of bad AMA/AHA approved dietary advice. And, Greaser88 is right. You are a beautiful lady. Though, I don't know why he's considering thongs.

LOL!! (thongs)

Absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look. People throw out terms like fat too casually. Fact is that we're all different, and as you've come to realize, maybe your body is just supposed to be this size. Love yourself and others will love you too.

You have a pretty face and being a brunette have naturally defined eyes, a definite advantage over blondes who need makeup to achieve this. Life has a lot more to offer than seeking a mythological image of perfection.

You are a good looking woman.
As long as you are happy with yourself and smiling inside, you are more beautiful than 3/4 of the people around you.

I think you look beautiful.

be a free spirit and you will realize that those you think are more beautiful than you, actually aren't always as wonderful as you. your realization of your thought patterns is the first step toward accepting yourself. you seem like a sweet lady that wouldn't judge others, so start with yourself, don't be so judgmental of your looks because there is plenty of beauty in those pics you provided. be strong and don't let men treat you poorly, keep high standards for yourself, you deserve it

You have a pretty face,and yes I see that glint in your eye tells me you could be fun to be with,would love to be with you but to far away!

That glint in your eye says "lots of fun, witty and feeling better about myself more and more." I would want to hang out with someone like you far more than practically ANY "thin hotties" I know of. You know why? If they "know they're hot" they tend to have really bad attitudes and are soooo into themselves that they are horrible company. I'd prefer someone like you in a heartbeat!! You've learned a lot about yourself and you're honest and sincere. I'd bet you are also very loving, kind and considerate (along with many other sweet-neat traits as well). That's a very cool total package in my opinion. What's wrong with a some extra curves on the outside. Personally I enjoy extra curves much more than a lack of enough curves. I adore your eyes! And your smile! Your lips! Your skin! But your attitude is the key. That's what makes or breaks the person overall. Enjoy life! Enjoy being you because nobody else will ever be "you." Anybody who thinks you should be something you are not is just too consumed with "image" rather reality. They are seeking the "image of love" rather than "real love." Hope that makes sense. I think you are on the right path. Just be you - because "you" are pretty awesome!!

Society is cruel to women who do not look like the present day ideal and my heart goes out to anyone fighting weight. But my advice to anyone in that boat, is to stop looking at their weight and just concentrate on being healthy such as by making sure that every calorie ingested is nutritious and by getting a form of exercise daily (such as a brisk walk for half an hour).

Even besides all that, a great personality (fun, caring, nice) makes up for much of our shortcomings. And believe me, I've met enough women who are a size 2 but royal ____.

It's important to focus on health, but honestly, when people look at someone who is overweight, they don't say, "I'll bet she's healthy!" They automatically assume the worst- lazy, junk food, sedentary lifestyle. That's the part that hurts- the misconception that everyone who is fat is unhealthy and that their weight is their own fault.

That's a battle for sure - how we're perceived to how we perceive ourselves....

I guess the important thing is to value only those opinions of the friends and family that love us and nevermind the world.

True. :)

Good point! And truthfully, as much as we don't want to judge from outward appearances, we still can't seem to help ourselves.

1 More Response

No body is perfect. I think we all need to learn to accept who we are. It's great that you are able to start doing that.

Just wanted to say you look lovely in your last photo :)