Right Now.. I Wish I Didnt Exist.

i wish life was about who we are on the inside. underneath the clothes and fear. i wish people could value and love one another. right now i want to run awaay from everything. several people have told me the world would be better without me. maybe thats true. maybe i should just give up and die. maybe its time i say goodbye. the world would be better if i was gone. i think i value. i think im worth it. but am i really? i see good things in myself, bt if they cant see it then maybe they are right. if the ones i love most are the ones who say im a pathetic excuse, then maybe its true. i dont want to exist just to hurt people. i dont want to exist to be a burden.. i keep falling in love and getting used. the last man i loved i have his name tatooed. here i am two months after the break-up getting the tatoo re-touched while he has a new girlfriend already.. and my so called bestfriends say im a ****, im not worth it. maybe everybody is right. maybe its about time i disappear. so i've decided my fate. i was a mistake. i made up my mind. on friday, im going to buy a pack of bars, im going to rent a hotel, and im going to swallow them. my ex bestfriend failed at her suicide but maybe i wont. so i guess its time to say goodbye. goodbye to the world i think is so beautiful. goodbye to the bad people who are good somewhere beneath the exterior, goodbye to the children who need someone to love them, goodbye to the rainbow that always shines after the worst storm, and goodbye to my family who only loved me cuz they couldnt see the bad in me that the rest of the world sees. i always play victim they say, maybe now i wouldnt be the pity story anymore. i dont want to be the girl who cried wolf, the girl that makes it all up, the girl who doesnt want to take responsibilty, the girl whos "immoral", the girl whose not "GOOD", the girl who blames it on everybody else.. so here: "it is ALL my fault. i dont desreve to exist. im a sad excuse for a human being. im sorry that i hurt everybody. my apology will never be good enough. i dont deserve to live. God made me as a mistake. so im going to correct his accident and i hope everybody is happier with me gone. i always pick the easy way out, i always run and hide is what im told. so let me stop being weak and find the strength to answer evryones problems. im the problem, im the issue. i dont deserve to fall in love, i shouldnt feel heartbroken because its all my fault. im not love worthy. im a pathetic piece of **** pathilogical liar hypocrit. i make no sense for being part of peoples lives because all i do is ruin in. i dont have the capability to love or be loved back, its all in my head. all those people who loved me, they lied. i never made good memories with anybody, only pain. those food fights with danny, didnt exist. those tears me and stephanie shared, didnt exist. the drives i took to comfort lily everytime she was sad scared & cried, didnt exist. the times i tried to love stephanie when she felt the most alone, didnt exist. those times robert promised things were gonna get better and we were going to make it, didnt exist. the times jessi said he would protect me, didnt exist. the time kassandra said i was an amazing person who deserved love, didnt exist, when jackie told me i was beautiful & special, didnt exist.. and when robbert held me in his arms and made love to me, all the love i thought we would share forever, it didnt exist. All stories i made up in my head, because im sick and twisted and dont deserve the privilage of life.." so goodbye and goodluck, maybe it will turn out better for u. im sorry that im not worth it. im sorry that im a disgrace. im sorry i hurt so many people. i just wanted to be loved. i just wanted to embrace my personality, i just wanted to achieve my dreams, i just wanted to be ME. i didnt realize ME was so much of a problem. im sorry everybody. i hope ur all happier with me gone. i hope so. Live life to the fullest, and please learn from my mistakes. goodnight.
amandailiana91 amandailiana91
2 Responses May 6, 2012

That's a bunch of crap. You're surrounded by the wrong kind of people.

Wow how beautifully you have written this. Except some stupidity about the ending life, you have done a good job. You have lot of capacity and potential. You will make great impact in life and in life of others.