Less and Less Convincing

The only reason to live your life is because it's yours. But what if such an answer becomes less and less convincing?  This is a Julian Barnes quote, a contemporary British author who clearly knows something about such things.  I feel damaged and deficient - like the life which everyone else is living is barred from me due to my own innate problems - my inability to just enjoy other people's company instead of dissecting every thing they've said and what it means they think about me.  I spend so much of my time thinking about how I wish I wasn't here - I am occasionally suicidal but more often it's just a passive desire.  I just feel ill-equipped to deal with ordinary life.  And whenever I think maybe I'm getting better, it turns out to just be a tease and I'm back down in the black pits.  What makes it even worse is that when I feel like this I'm even more isolated because I overthink everything and then begin to interpret other people incorrectly.  I think they're interested in me when they're not - I think they want to be friends when they'd rather just sleep with me - I think people care about me and then find out they don't.  The main reason I'm still here is my long-suffering family.  But if I ever reach that mine shaft leading to "they'd be better off without me" it'll be time for me to go.

And then I feel foolish because obviously some people have real problems (thanks Sia) and I am not one of them.  I feel illegitimately ill.  And seven years of it hasn't changed these feelings.

lokilux lokilux
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 22, 2009

This sounds exactly like me. :-/

This Julia Barnes quote really touched home. And I often find myself relating to Sia with her album(Some people have real problems)...thanks for sharing nonetheless as I felt I was alone