I Care So Much About How Others See Me....

   am so starved for acceptance & love, that I have literally swallowed myself & agreed with everyone else. I've done it for so many years now that I have no idea how to stop it. I have no idea where I begin inside. It's almost like I don't exist. I am my mother's daughter, my grandparents granddaughter, & everybody else's "wonderful" friend. I use to be Shane's girlfriend, but that went south. It's so hard trying to figure out what the HELL I believe in or if all my beliefs are everyone elses. I don't know how to fix this.

  ll I know for sure is that I am sick of being everybodys pansy. I hate agreeing with people in my family because I'm terrified of rocking the boat. I'm terrified that they'll reject me & then I'll have no one. I have seen this saying around alot lately.....

"I would rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I'm not"

    wish I was that way. But I'm not. I'm the complete opposite because I NEED to feel loved, accepted, liked. I will swallow myself to make sure that is what happens....But people leave me anyway. Could you imagine what would happen if people "knew" me? I bend over backwards to make sure no one can find fault with me, and they still leave.....I know they wouldn't even bother to get to know me if I was true to myself. I've spent most of my life alone (except for my mom), I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I just want what all my friends have, most of my family has.... Why do they get to live with love & I get pushed to the side.

  y life feels like I'm always at a high school dance, standing in the corner just hoping someone will ask me to dance.... But they walk by me & never ever ask me. The sad thing is.... I love to dance!


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2 Responses Mar 5, 2009

You wrote "I know they wouldn't even bother to get to know me if I was true to myself". I think this is the crux of your problem. It's absolutely false. hugs

There are times that my feelings about my life perfectly mirror your own. Its good that you are getting it out in writing One thing I have learned is that I am only as lonely as I chose to be. I might not be able to make someone love me, but I can love myself enough to be my own person.