Searching To Be Thin

When I was young looks didn't matter. Never did I question if I looked okay. I'd where what was comfortable and was happy with myself. I don't know when that changed. If it was after all the fat jokes, or if it was after the cutting, or maybe it was just after I grew up some. Ever since I noticed how big I was I lost all the confidence I ever had. I can't look in a mirror anymore without seeing the ugly. I wish I could see what other people tell me is there but I don't. After starting two different eating problems neither lasted (thank goodness I guess). But there was a third I never realize I was starting to get into. Eating is the worse, I hate it. But there are times where I can't help it and all I can do is eat. I don't know if its because I'm hungry or if its boredom, or even my depression. But after a few days of eating a lot I'll slow down and won't eat almost anything. It makes me hate myself more. I've tried to loose weight to feel better, but the exercising never last. I end up getting to depressed to keep going with it. So my search to be smaller continues. But I wonder if I'll ever have the confidence anymore. I won't even let someone buy me something because I know it won't look right on me, but yet I desperately wanted it. Maybe someday I'll feel I look the way he says I do.
deleted deleted
26-30
Jan 12, 2013