Took Me A While But I Have Started To See Myself As Beautiful.

I didn't have a single boyfriend until after I left high school. Barely a kiss, I was still a virgin. None of the boys at school found me attractive. I don't remember my mother ever telling me I was pretty or beautiful, but I do remember a few criticisms from her about my looks. Every criticism I ever received about my looks I remember.

When I left school I suddenly started to get a lot of male attention. I didn't really know how to handle it. I decided that men are incredibly sexual creatures who will sleep with just about anything with a vagina. I still didn't see myself as attractive but I started to consider the possibility that I wasn't hideous. I had considered this possibility whilst at school but in the end decided that I must have been hideous due to the total lack of male attention.

I went through a string of guys in short succession. As soon as they showed interest in me I lost interest in them. A wise man told me I was doing this due to my low self-esteem. I have passed this message onto several girls since then. It didn't stop me, however, from having boyfriends who didn't treat me well. The flip-side of low self-esteem. Guys who treat you well can't be that great if they think you're worthwhile. Guys who treat you badly must be justified and worth pursuing.

It was only at the age of 25 that I started to realise that I am in fact quite good-looking. I have realised that the lack of male attention at school was a reflection of my geekiness rather than ugliness. I am also a fair bit more attractive now than when I was a teenager. But I look at photos of myself when I was in my early 20s and it makes me want to cry. I was absolutely convinced that my friends were way prettier than me. Looking back I realise it's just not true at all. At least I have realised it now. Not that I have a big head. I still have my moments when I feel ugly. But most of the time I realise that I'm pretty enough and certainly have never had any problem getting guys ever since leaving school. If only I could learn to love myself completely...
sunnygirls2 sunnygirls2
26-30, F
Jan 14, 2013