I really need to talk!

I just found EP last night and am blown away by the number of lonely married people out there.  I am 42 and have been married for almost 12 years.  I was a single mom who jumped into a long distance relationship with someone so I could give what I thought would be a better life for my daughter.  I knew from the beginning that he was a good man but not my soul mate, but  I thought he was very stable and I did fall in love with him.  Not that head over heals in love but the gentle, know he will never hurt me kind of love.  It never occured to me that years down the road I would not be content to just be with someone nice and stable.  We had our daughter very quickly because he wanted a child of his own.  He quickly dropped all caring for his step-daughter and she is still suffering the effects even today. 

Sex after our daughter was not very often but was good when it happened.  The last 5 years have been an average of 2 to 3 times per year.  I used to talk to him about it and he was medically tested but to no avail.  Nothing has ever changed.  I and tall and slim and very attractive and stylish according to friends and a few men that I am around at times.  I get flirted with very often but I am invisible to my husband.  He lives in his own world where he is very content with things the way they are and doesn't think there is a problem with our marriage. 

We have that "perfect marriage"  on the outside and no one would ever guess there is a problem,  partly because he never wants to go anywhere or do anything, so we don't hang out with friends who could pick up on the lack of affection.  He is 44, very fit and works out daily and comes home to hang out with our daughter.  If I'm in one room he goes to the other to watch tv.  Wow is this living or what?    What must this be saying to our 10 year old daughter?  Marriage is never talking, no kissing, hand holding, affection of any kind and yet he thinks its best for her for us to stay together and not break up her home. 

 Sometimes I think maybe he is right, but I can't help but think that a happy child is one who sees and lives with a happy parent.  Any thoughts?  As you can see I really need a friend to talk to.  This stays bottled up inside me and I stay very stressed out.


ok67law ok67law
4 Responses Mar 23, 2009

I am always one to say to try to work it out before divorce. I would simply tell him if things don't improve that you are leaving and you can't live like this anymore. He may just be completely oblivious to how much his behaviors are affecting you. It may sound far-fetched but sometimes men can be very unperceptive to emotions as they think and feel in different ways than women do. The book "Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars" is amazing for explaining how to better communicate with the opposite sex in a way that is meaningful and less hurtful for them. Also "The Love Dare" is a great book that challenges you to reflect or change your behaviors to cause your spouse to change theirs. The movie "Fireproof" is a very good dramatization of a couple using this book to better their marriage. Watch it as it is very insightful! If despite all of your efforts things stay the same or go back to normal after a few days, then I would stay true to your word and leave. Maybe this in itself would push him to change. Nobody deserves to live that way because it is like you are already divorced. But don't listen to people that are so quick to scream, "Leave now!" as marriage is a commitment that was intended to be unbroken. Most people nowadays look at a marriage certificate as if it was a fortune cookie insert. Those same people do not have your best interests at heart because if every time something tough came up in your life you abandoned it as they suggest, you would never accumulate anything of value, whether it be in success or relationships! Always try to patch things up to the best of your ability, and if that fails, then it is time to say goodbye. Also, I am curious as to if anything has changed since this is an older post. Comment back.

...Who cares of what people might think ...its your life, your happiness. Mostly those character of your husband as you described as being the nicest and perfect as everyone sees it...has a more deeper meaning...a hidden personality that he keeps for himself and known only to few people closer to him. Its about time you do something about it, move on and be happy in life.

I have told him I wondered if he is gay several months ago and he got very angry and said he couldn't believe I would think that. I also hesitate about divorce because everyone thinks he is the nicest and most perfect husband (good job, church involved, good dad, etc.) I will be the "crazy" one their eyes.

You don't have a marriage. You are living together as roommates and occasional lovers. He might be having an affair or he might be homosexual. If all is as you've said you would not get offended by this comment. These things are possiblities. Staying together for your children's sakes is not a foundation for a long term relationship. They are old enough now to understand that people don't always get on together and need to fo their different ways. Sit them down and explain it to them and let them know that it has nothing to do with them and that Dad will continue to be involved in their lives but he will just live in another place. You're not helping your children or yourselves living as you are. There isn nothing positive about it. YOU know that there is a problem and I have suggested a solution and what you do with this information is up to you. I speak because I KNOW!!