It Isn't Fair

For as far back as I can remember, my dad had been abusive. He would yell at and physically abuse me and my mom and eventually my younger sister, even after my parents got divorced when I was 10. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't wish I had a different dad. I realize now that I have such a hard time getting close to people and trusting them, especially other guys, that it hurts my relationships. I began to not consider him my dad; he's nothing to me. Turns out, he's not my real dad at all. I found out a little over a year ago that my real dad bailed when I was barely born, and that he was sick and twisted, and my whole family used to work to keep him away from me. He just now has been trying to contact me, but I want nothing to do with him, and he claims that that hurts him, just like the man I thought was my dad says it hurts him that I don't call him dad or come see him ever when my sisters who don't remember the violence do. I just feel like I've been screwed over by not only one, but two dads now, and I wonder if they realize that they hurt me worse. It makes me so sad that I didn't get to invite my dad to my graduation, or that I'll never be able to have my daddy walk me down the aisle. I won't ever hug my dad, and I won't ever get that support as I'm growing up, because neither of them cared enough to stick around and watch me grow up. I just stay up at night and remember all the marks and bruises and pain I've had to deal with, and now the overwhelming feelings I can't shake, like the feeling of abandonment, or the feeling of jealousy when all my friends talk about their dads and I see how they are together. It just isn't fair. I just wish I had a daddy who loved me, and that I could hug him.
gypsygirl2 gypsygirl2
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 9, 2011

Even though I am a guy I have been where you are now. My real father abandoned me when I was an infant, because I got sick. My stepfather was not only physically abusive he was also emotionally abusive. I remember feeling jealous of my friends who had a father who played with them. Even now when I hear people talk about their great homelife and family a feeling of sadness overtakes me. In the movie "A Field Of Dreams" tears come to my eyes at the part near the end when Costner asks his father if he wants to play catch. I have seen that movie several times and still it affects me that way.<br />
<br />
But here is the thing. All we can do is to choose to not be a victim and look for the good part of life. As we become accomplished at doing that we will have many more good days than bad days. Life is full of adventures and magic is everywhere.