I Smile

I keep my chin up. I internalize a lot, and don't let go or let out, though go on living. I don't feel depressive most of the time, but I think the body and the soul need cleansing I won't let happen. Maybe if I expressed myself more verbally to people I'd see things differently. There's no one I feel like doing it anymore. It's an endless circle. In these moments when I'm grumpy or morose, you can be sure it runs deep. Yeah, then I wish I had a gun to shoot my head, the only way I could make it. I wouldn't kill myself on premeditation, because I promised myself not to, that it's so absurd and senseless to take your life, but with a bottle in the nose, I don't know what I'd be able to do. I don't own a gun, but I thought about buying one already; it remains a fantasm. I'm not bipolar, not schizo, and my doctor doesn't think I'm depressive, and it's true that on daily basis, I don't feel depressed; just one moment, like one hour a month. I don't know what's wrong.


I've been in therapy for several months now, and I'm still there, even more than I was. Therapy just helped me understand nothing ever heals. 

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1 Response Feb 14, 2009

I like cognitive therapy the best. It is showing me how to like myself again. It shows how to overcome the miserable thoughts with taking positive action to make changes. It explains the physical side affects & how to work with our minds & find new ways of looking at everything in a new light.<br />
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I guess it wouldn't be working if I hadn't gone through all those depressing issues first with the general types of therapy, but it is opening my mind now to positivity, self acceptance & seeing life in more clarity. I am finding hope & strength within myself again & I am learning how to stop constantly looking to the past for answers as I have been there & done that now.<br />
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I am working with my present now. I can see how the past has made me who I am & that is OK. It does not define who I am. I will not let my past determine who I am now, it has already taken enough of my past & I only get one chance at life. I am finally starting to feel like I am the one in charge, not the panic attacks, that's only fear. Not the crying, I have permission to feel sad sometimes & I will never repress my emotions again after everything I have gone through, so it will come & pass through me & go when the time is right. My anxiety is definitely not in charge. It is childish & cruel to me & it's a total nag. I have no choice but to accept that I feel that way, but not let it be in control.<br />
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Achieving my dreams, expressing myself, finding ways to be lighthearted again, this is where my present needs to be. I have come a long way. Life is a journey & I am the navigator. Life can also be very exciting & carefree sometimes.