I Am Free

I met the father of my three kids when I was eighteen. At the time we were best friends and hard to separate. Months later when I became pregnant everything fell around me and he changed. I fought for five years to hold my footing in the relationship until I gave up and walked away. Years later I learned that his sister was the cause and she told me directly that she was bitter and jealous that I had the first grandchild and that she wanted to be the one who had the first grandchild. She also did to my ex's other women the same thing she did to me. She told lies to my ex and got him confused into believing every word she said. He's from a close family and maybe that's why he respected her opinion. Idk! Him and I could never understand each other. It was like we were two different people and it confused me because up to four months after we met we got along perfectly--until I got pregnant, and he wanted that--not me. So I have been having a conflict with him off and on for over sixteen years. He was so difficult to communicate with that it ended two years ago in a huge falling out. I chose to cut him off for good. Then recently he split up from his recent girlfriend and he's been wanting to step back into my kids lives and be their father. He has other kids but he is only focused on mine because of legal custody and another crazy female that won't leave him alone. I guess he feels safe with my children because he knows there is no attachment--just freedom!          
This week we had to enroll my son in school since he is the one claiming responsibility right now but instead of getting his sister to drive him since he has no car, he's been asking me. So I took him Wednesday and then I had to take him again Today. He gave me gas money and he gave my oldest son some money to buy some candy. I felt like this is the same man that I first met only without the LOVE. The care is there and I can see concern on his face so that's why I help him. I think he might have come into an awareness of the harm he has caused in the past and this is his way of making it right. He even told me today that he was going to change his life insurance policy and put my kids name on it. I think my kids might be saving him too from his recent drug addiction. I don't pry in people's business unless it concerns my kids and I didn't drill him on his bad habit though because I know that he knows it's wrong of him because he is not that person deep down. He quit getting all his piercings and I think the animal in him has settled down. I realized today that I was unconsciously bitter at the conflict that we have been having with each other and I feel like weight has been lifted. I know in my heart that "I" was not the problem all along. He had his own demons to fight not to mention his crazy sister that was fueling the fire. Where we will go from here? I will keep my distance and I will help him if he needs it but I will not get back into a relationship with him. I think God brought this peace so that I would quit acting out with bad behavior because of the pain I was repressing. I wish I had all the answers to why things happen the way they do but I don't. I do know that my ex initiated this action so there must be a divine reason for it. I feel happy that the conflict is alleviated and I can move forward without harboring ill feelings towards the like--like I have in the past. I don't have anymore fight in me--just peace right now. 
Neutrino38 Neutrino38
36-40, F
Aug 13, 2010