To Myself.......

~ I'm trying now, but goodness a lot of damage has already been done & it could take me the rest of my natural life to fix it, if I even can. There is so much fear, anger, & pain inside & I don't even know where to begin half the time. I know that my first order of business was protecting her, & even though a lot of people don't agree with my methods, that I have accomplished. I'm big so it's rare for men to even take a first look, let alone a second look or stop to get to know me. Society is to blame for most of that, but to be honest most of time I figure if you're that superficial, I don't want you anyway, because I'M NOT LIKE THAT! So I definitely don't want a man who is. I take it to mean that I am obviously too much woman for most men to handle.... That's fine, I can live with that......most of the time. lol. ~

~ My first pirority is her; Treesie, the little 9 year old inside me that sits in a corner all day crying, screaming, or silent & fearful. Her eyes constantly welled up with tears & darting around looking in the shadows for monsters she can't see but knows is there...She can feel 'em, she can hear 'em breathing. That is who I have to protect. I didn't do it for years, in fact I was worse in a way because I blamed her for everything. So now I will protect her at all costs. I have to because no one else is volunteering to help. I get tired, weak, & afraid. Sometimes she comes out & her fear takes me over too, but I will die protecting her if I have to. If that means I have to walk this earth alone for the rest of my life - So be it. I won't like it, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll HATE it, but I can't let her get hurt anymore. We've been through enough & I personally don't think we'll survive much else. If I am lucky enough to meet a man, fall in love, & he accepts all of me.... Well, the true test will be hers. If the 9 yr. old inside me doesn't trust him, then I won't have a choice, she has to come first.... Cause that's what good friends do. I have to at the very least be her friend.... She doesn't have any, you see. All she has is me & the shadows.... ~

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1 Response May 26, 2009

Hello Wyn, <br />
I have a little girl too. I know what you are feeling, My problems come from the other end of the spectrum. I was always the skinny, gangly one. Most people don't see that as a problem, but it was for me. It is still an underlying reason for most of what I do.<br />
One day, though, I found someone who liked me just the way I am. One day you will too. <br />
I hope you can find a friend in me. I may have said in the past I have too many, but you can never have enough.