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Lonelyness

I never had any friends growing up.  I've always been different and was made fun of and laughed at for it.  They called me retard, wierdo, friek etc. and made ugly gestures at me.  Being an Army brat we had to move a lot and I thought it was my chance to start over.  But alas it was not meant to be.  You see I was born with Epilepsy and back then people didn't know anything about it so they did what came naturally.  It was very difficult for me to make friends and keep them.  As soon as people found out the ones that became my friends shunned me.  They didn't want to get made fun of too for hanging around with a friek.  So I just closed myself off completely from the outside world.  I built a wall and kept my distance from everyone else.  I was alone.  As an adult I've only had 3 real friends and now two of them live in different states and we don't talk much anymore.  I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar a few years ago and have some mental disabilities so I have my safe bubble.  Sometimes I venture outside it, but I can't handle it for long.  Sometimes I tend to become a hermit.  I have always wanted REAL friends I could hang out with, but I have to stay guarded 'cause usually when someone starts to get to know me somehow or other I scare them off.  It's very lonely and painful.  Unfortunately you can't change the past.  I am a stronger person and feel that if people don't like me they don't have to be my friend.  I don't have the time or energy to convince them otherwise.  I have one true friend and he understands me better than anyone else ever has.  I just want to be accepted for who I am.  Craziness and all.

Brunhild Brunhild 36-40, F 2 Responses Jun 16, 2011

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Your you and thats all you need to be. friends are the real people who see who you are at heart. I'm bipolar and im weird, lil of a freak but no madder what im me. I'm glad that you don't care if people don't want to be your friends.

Thanks :) It took me a long time to get to this point....

you may have problems. we all do. but u don't sound crazy at all. best wishes.

Thank-you very much for you kind words :)....