If Only....

I have felt this way for as long as I can remember.  I can recall at the age of 4 asking my mother why she had me.  She just got angry and told me I was stupid. She got angry not because of the questions content, she did not care how I felt, she was mad because I was questioning her as a mother.  She always liked everyone to know she was a "good" mother.
I found out when I was 7 that I had had a twin, a boy.  He was still born.  My brother would tell me: "I wish I had had a gun and go back so I could kill you and save my brother." I would just look at him and say "me too".  He thought it was some tactic of mine to make him stop saying it but, it wasn't. I meant it each and every time I said it.
I still feel it now.  I often wonder if my twin would have made better use of his life then I have with mine.  I suspect he would have. 
In the darkest parts of my life, when I feel death's warm hand resting so gently on my shoulder, I wish I didn't have to chose to die.  But, I don't die, I cant.  I hate myself too much to fall softly into death's loving embrace.  I stay alive because my life is a crime it is also my punishment.
I am alive because,  I am.
DarkPhoenix DarkPhoenix
31-35, F
2 Responses Oct 23, 2007

that's horrible to think of yourself like that...

As I read these stories, I reflected on my own life. How I felt "what am I doing here" I tired of being hurt, screamed at and physically being abused as a child. I never realized how hard life is to live. Do I nhave a long story for you who want to read. Some of my friends who hear me talk about myself, tell I such write a book. Maybe, one day and deicated(and learn to spell haha) to this circle. To those couragoues enough to share their story. hmmm. D Does anyone feel that they are couragous? Well I do. NOW. Now It Is My turn for those to listen. I was born in L.A.,Ca. many years ago to where the tallest building to me was the city hall. Where prejudice was pretty strong. There are many incidents I remember of prejudice and most of them I got angry about. I did not understand that I did not have to live with angry.--have to go later you'alll.