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Do I Have A Right To Be Jealous?

I just wish I had someone to talk to about the things I'm dealing with. Perhaps that someone is you reading this now. I'm not even sure if I'm dealing with a legitimate issue or if I'm just making things worse by dwelling upon the knowledge I have discovered through my snooping. I hope you read this and won't judge me negatively.

I don't think I'm the jealous type. Perhaps it's because I know he would never cheat. He's been burned in the past by a cheater so I know he doesn't tolerate cheating. I assume that means he wouldn't want to cheat on me. Perhaps I have taken him for granted. Maybe due to the fact that he is a bigger guy and although I love him and can look past his body flaws I figured that was because I fell in love with his personality and I've never really been a shallow person. His flirtatious and teasing personality which won me over could easily win over any other woman so I dont know why I think only I would all for his charms.

Anyways I know he has a thing for redheads. Perhaps because he is a redhead himself and perhaps because they're a rarity. One of our good friends (more his friend than mine) is a tall, slender redhead. She's super sweet and nice and yes I'm jealous of her but it's ok because we are friends. My small bit of jealousy usually turns up when I know that the two of them will be working together closely for several hours, just the two of them. It also doesn't help that they are constantly texting each other. At first it was no big deal but occasionally I feel like he is trying to hide his phone from me when replying to her. Could it be my jealousy toying with my over active imagination? Perhaps.

Either way I did something I'm not proud of. I read his texts one night while he was sleeping. I didn't expect to find anything really. Maybe a bit of teasing or mild flirting sure but harmless all the same. And I did find the teasing and flirtatious texts. I also found messages referring to pictures previously sent that had been deleted that he kept trying to get her to resend. Pictures that he says he was sorry he deleted. I thought well maybe they were pictures sent before we were dating...... but we have been together for 4 years. And 4 years ago this girl was barely 18 and I'm pretty sure they were not good enough friends at that point to be sharing such pictures.

There were conversations of a pretty graphic sexual nature discussing their preferences. She likes to be slapped, bit, beaten. He makes a comment about what he would like to do to her sexually. She says the comment makes her smile but she says she also knows that he wouldn't do anything because of me. His response is that her evidence is weak and she says no you told me so yourself. The conversations take place over several months and there's teasing questions of will you marry me and her laughing saying no. I felt so sick to my stomach after reading the exchange. I thought he loved me and no one else. I mean yeah I know he has a bit of a crush on her but still these conversations seem to push it past the boundaries of just a crush. I also thought her and I were pretty good friends. How could she carry on conversations with him like that and yet still be friends with me ?!

I had hoped that by reading his messages I could ease my fears and jealousy but instead I found more cause to be concerned and jealous. This in turn led me to be more suspicious. Which resulted in me reading his messages on a nightly basis. And one night I branched out and read texts from another mutual female friend. In these conversations he asks for naked pictures of her cause he thinks she is beautiful and he has always been curious about what her body looks like. I felt crushed. Another girl I considered a friend, less so than the redhead but still a friend. And again here she is carrying on conversatiins of a sexual nature with my boyfriend!

He also complains about our lack of sex and so than I figure it must be my own fault. He even tells the second girl that he knows I expect him to marry me but due to the lack of sex in our own relationship he doesn't ever see himself proposing to me and that he has only stayed around with me for so long because he loves me. So obviously I drove him to these conversations with these girls! I was devastated! I couldn't even call him on any of this cause than I would have to confess that I had broken his trust and invaded his privacy.

So how was I suppose to fix this problem if I couldn't bring up the fact that I knew I was slacking in the sex department? So I told him I had a dream that he left me because I was a bad girlfriend. He tells me that I'm not a bad girlfriend but I could work on our sex life. And so I make more of an effort to not say no cause I'm too tired or cause I don't feel like or whatever mundane excuse I've used in the past to deter him. And the next two weeks are fantastic!! We go on a week long vaction to Las Vegas with 3 of our friends (1 of them being the redhead) and things get better and better between the two of us.

Unfortuantely I can't seem to stop reading his texts. At first they're all pretty boring. He gets into an argument with the second girl so they stop texting for a bit and 8'm feeling better. He tells the redhead that he feels like he fell more in love with me over our vacation. At first I'm hurt that he was't fully in love with me but than I think this is it. No more sexual conversations between the two of them. Than he tells the redhead that he had a sex dream about girl #2 and that he has always had a crush on this other filipina girl we work with and just like that I feel almost like I'm back at square one.

I also read messages between him and a third girl. She sends him a funny cartoon about bigger guys and why they're better lovers. My guy says he loves it especially the part about "eating right" and how he wishes he could show off his skills. She says that would make him an ******* and he says no not cheating I wouldn't do that but I wish I could show more woman how good I am. She laughs and says yeah too bad. So at least he has confirmed he won't cheat on me. That's a good thing right?

Than he starts talking again to girl #2. At first nothing bad. Than on Christmas day she asks if she can send him a picture. It's a sexually graphic photo of some random couple doing something that she hopes one day to be able to do. My guy responds by teasing her saying that he thought it would be of her since it's Christmas after all. She laughs and says no and he says that one day he will get her liquored up enough and alone to take a photo for him. She tells him good luck!

Now I'm confused. I thought we were ok and now its like it's still the same as before. He's super romantic towards me, tells me he loves and is always asking me to marty him. I think he's starting to be serious about the question too but I am confused because he's still carrying on these conversations with these other girls. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him because I don't want to reveal that I did something bad first by snooping through his texts. Also I want to see how long this will carry on for. And will it ever progress past text messaging? Or what if I do say something and he gets more sneaky about it and than it goes beyond texts and than it's like it was my fault for saying something. So confused. Anyways thats currently the end of my crazy story.
phoenixhope phoenixhope 26-30, F 1 Response Dec 27, 2012

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you have every reason to be jealous..I had to go through a similar thing and in hindsight
he had been cheating on me from day 1