Don't Know Where to Begin.

A grew up in an abusive Fundamentalist church. In my case, it wasn't physical, although other people have been coming forward with horror stories... but that's for another time. My story first.

I was so naive. I thought going to the Christian school my church started would be great because the people there "loved Jesus, so they'd love me too!" That got shot down pretty quickly. The school was K-12, and I was in 5th grade. Worse, I was a small 5th grader. I was bullied daily all the way up to my junior year. It would get better as various perpetrators graduated, but there was never really a break. If I came home from school twice a week in tears, that was a good week.

Worse, the staff knew about it and didn't care. Sometimes they even got in on the "jokes", even when they knew I'd end up in bad shape. I wouldn't have told these people what was going on even if the rules had permitted it. The rules? Yeah. See, if I said anything about what was going on, that was "tattling". Tattlers got punished alongside whoever got tattled on. Not worth it!

Both students and staff would say the cruelest things and hide behind God. What a great racket, act like a jerk and say God's cool with it. I didn't know better, and eventually believed God hated me just like they did. My faith was torn apart.

There were glimmers of hope here and there, but they'd get crushed. People from another church befriended me, and I saw that they acted better even if their doctrine wasn't so hot. Mom wouldn't let me switch churches, though. I went to college and was exposed to different forms of Fundamentalism. Seems rough, but any freedom of thought was an improvement. I left Fundamentalism as an adult... only to have it follow me back into the denomination I had joined. I joined an emerging church, only to find later it had connections to the denomination I was trying to leave.

My husband is completely unsympathetic, although he'd be upset that I said so He loves me, but he has no idea how to relate to my spiritual struggles. He has never had a problem in church, never suffered bullying, never has doubted God, nothing. He refuses to let me go to a different church from him so I can get away from certain bad influences, so I'm stuck. It's against his convictions for spouses to attend different churches. He also hates any church I want to attend that is not his denomination. As a result, I'm spiritually alone. It doesn't help that my family wants me to return to my original hell... I mean denomination. I can't do that again.

That's bad enough in the best of times, but my faith is dying. Between dealing with past memories and current struggles with church, plus being unable to sort out fact and fiction in what I've been taught, plus no hope of finding sympathetic people to talk to, I'm dying. I feel like I'm the only one who has tried to rescue my faith, butI don't have the tools for it, and I'm even getting the silent treatment from God. Why try? And why won't my faith just die already if it isn't going to come back to life? I hate this in-between place of neither life nor death, yet I can't get out. What do I do now?

intheshadow intheshadow
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 18, 2009

i have strong faith i just dont belive in some of the things the churches teachs , i think some abuse god's word<br />
but i do have great faith but i dont attend church much <br />
i think some times those running the churches use god to keep women in thier places its sad<br />
but iam very sprirtual and iam a christan

As I said, God is silent. As in incommunicado. Nothing. Zip. Cold shoulder. Left no forwarding address. Not answering calls. whne I say silent, I mean silent. <br />
<br />
AFA going to another church without the husband: I'm egalitarian and the husband is neutral on the sex roles issue, so we don't believe that he necessarily has any special spiritual rulership over me. If anything, Scripturally speaking, we only answer for ourselves. That said, it does not make dealing with conflicting convictions any easier to handle. What he lacks in spiritual control over me, he makes up for in having heavy-duty juvenile fits over church that just aren't worth the hassle. Trust me, you do not want to sit in a new church next to someone who scowls and complains, then points out every single thing wrong with the church afterward. Yet he thinks that if I decide to try a church without him, he thinks it's personal and that I don't want to go to the same church *with him*. No, I just accept that we will never agree on a church, so I'd rather find one that fits me and let him find one that fits him. Big difference, but one he can't comprehend. So it's easier to die quietly than to deal with the shenanigans of a husband who takes my personal spiritual battles as an affront against himself.

you've mentioned what everyone in your life is requesting of you, what is God asking you to do? i understand your husband is to be second in command of your life(after god). but anything God tells you to do trumps him so to speak. if God is Telling you to go to another church GO theres something for you there. i recently went through this same type of situation.