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I Wish I Know................


There is a saying in Punjabi which is my mother tongue, about the unique ways of God...it says:-

teriyan beparwahiyan oh rubba..,
ki-ki khed rachaven....
(oh God i am just dumbfound by your carelessness and things which take place because this carelessness)

eik nun bheje is duniya che..
eik nu kol bhulaven..
(u have created two complimentary objects in sun and moon....but u have written their destiny with separation) 

suraj chippda tan chann uagda..,
tere khed niyyare...
(when sun goes down only then the moon rises.........so they, the two token of love are never destined to meet each other...)

kidhre karna gupp hanera..
kidhare kare ujaale...
(when one part of the world is sleeping in darkness the other part is been woken up by the sunlight)

daata tera than na paavan....
aiven karna zor bhagane..
(i cann't understand ur cosmic reasons with my mortal senses though i do try...)

eik dar toven..so dar khole..
teriyan tu hi jaane..
(when u close one door u always open hundred more....only u know ur action..only u can make sense of whatever u do with us mortal beings..)

ranga di berang duniyan wich.........
ki ki rang khilare..
(in this world where u have scattered so many colors and yet have kept the world without color..........u create something new everyday...)

aape daahven aap banaven..
aape hi kaaj sawaren.......!!!!!!
 
(u destroy and u create as well..........u make everything go horribly wrong and then suddenly u set everything right......!!!)

those who want to hear it its sung by wadali brothers but actually its a part of Gurubani.....!! my mother recalled these words to me a day before yesterday...!!! she said whatever happens happens for a reason...some ulterior motive of destiny and god is at work behind everything that take place in our lives.............so why this restlessness and why this pain....why cann't i keep my mind at rest.............because whatever i would try to do is already determined.....she said i must let go..........and let other help me..............so i said yes........i would let it go...........stop making efforts and let everything be..........!!!!

i am not saying that it helps u when u are in trouble.........but somewhere letting it be is the best thing we do.....so today in my room and solitude i recalled this piece of wisdom once again.........and suddenly i felt overwhelmed..........with some of the event that has taken place in my life............!!!!!
its been seven months now.......and i still wakes up in nights thinking that i am in some hospital......i still feels the itching of iv lines in my veins and i still sometime sense metallic rust smell of blood and medicine every time  i try to eat anything.........i still have horrible dreams about people going away and never coming back....i still sometime choke myself at the mere thought of going back and reliving that hell again..........!!!!!
i am clueless about so many things at the moment..........some days i feel like asking god...........why did u even let me hope when u knew u would destroy it one day...........!!!! why u let me believe i can fight and survive...........!!!
i feel at a stand still..............i cann't understand how he has intertwined my destiny with other people..............my parents...., family............people who are in my life and are not even related  too....me...!
i wish u could just tell me what the hell is going in in my life.................i wish u can explain all these bizarre thing which happens everyday...........all these thoughts which u put in my head and then make me suffer for them............!!! if u have one master plan ready for me then why make me restless now........why not bestow some peace and some endurance so that i can bear it out..............!!!!
i wish u can tell me.............why this struggle........why this fear...........why i am torn between different dreams..........and paths...............just tell me once for all and end this confusion.............because i feel tired and don't want to continue it any longer.........!!!!!

 
 



destinygirl22 destinygirl22 26-30, F 4 Responses Aug 28, 2011

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I have felt what you are feeling. Just keep on talking to God sweetie and remember to be still and listen too. Your mama sounds like a wise woman.May you find peace. God bless you dear

I have read your story ,I wish I knew too. We all go through that phase. I can relate to you since I am going through the same thing. I hope and pray it will be known to us. hold on. God knows best.

oh ya.....its an all time favorite song of mine....!!! thanks any ways for commenting....!!!!

bahut bahut shukriya ji.. ajj tussi wadali saab da geet yaad karwa ta..<br />
thanks alot for that.<br />
here is 1 more from wadali brothers.<br />
<br />
Ve mahiya tere vekhan nu,<br />
chuk charkha gali de vich dawa <br />
<br />
ve loka bhane main katt di ,<br />
tand terian yadaan di pava<br />
<br />
thanks once again. :)<br />
enjoy your day.