Would Everything Be Better.. Or Just Different..?

Actually there are a lot of things about what I wish I knew then.. One of them is the reason why I'm now nothing nowhere having nothing.. 
Ok, where it starts about.. I was young, lonely mother in new country, trying to create new, better life for myself & my at time 4 y.o. doughter. Away from old friends, having new, away from family, away from old **** & mistakes, doing new ones..  Away from the old madness, creating new one... But whatever, I was on the new way and sometimes I was even contented with how I'm dealing with everything... 
Then he came in our life. He was smart and cute, and serious, had good jobs, he was cheery and funny, he loved my child and she loved him, he promissed the world for us, my friends and parents warned me to not to lose him, 'couse "he's the one for you both, kid needs family" and I blocked the voice of my heart and believed them all. 
After one year I was home prisioner with lost all of my social benefits, lost my own home, posibility of state-funded studys, pregnant with second child of lieing, cheating, jobless person... Depressed, crying, psychotic pregnant woman without future and possibilities..
Where I'm now? I'm officially divorced 2,5 years ago, back in my motherland, having psychiatric diagnosis, staying at jobless boyfriends parents house, trying to finde my own home & job, 'till the school starts, so I can bring here my 3,5 y.o. doughter from her fathers country and 10 y.o. doughter from my mothers country... And all this situation drives me crazy... If only I knew then that accepting this man in my lil' family will cost all this.... but from other side - I could go through all this again to be sure that I will have my second angel..! The moral of my story..?? I don't really know... It's just strange to wish to change things in past and the same time to be happy having something that would never happen if not this expeience i wish i would never have...
IamAstarchild IamAstarchild
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

Hey... I know something about that. In my life, ive almost killed another boy with my own hands, drove 3 girls to tears with broken hearts, cost my parents near bankruptcy for hospital bills and probably caused much more damage. But if all of my parents children had lived, i would have been the fifth. i wonder damn near every day what that boys phsyche would be like today if id never have come to be... If those poor girls had found better men than me, if my parents had made a smart investment with the money i costed them, if my parents had given up at... Miscarriage number four... The point is, life is about living with mistakes youve made, because god knows everyone has made a few. And believe me... I know its hard. But im always here, always open to discussion to give you some reassurance at any time, so please, if the going gets tough, come to me. Id love to help.