Twelve Sticks...yeah Right

I was gonna start off by saying I love my family, but after tonight I don't think its possible anymore.  I am the black sheep of my family and its not a bad thing.  At least I'm a sheep.  When I was a little girl my family were very tightknit and a much stronger unit.  Then again it was my father who made it so, after he was murdered things slowly started to unravel.  We moved around alot and struggled for years and I thought it was all financial and I couldn't wait to get older so I could get a job so I could help out more at home.  Well I landed a babysitting job at 14 (I was paid under the table), but the extra money helped out nicely and I learned responsibility and that I can make a difference.  As I got older and I thought things could only get better, since I thought my brothers and sisters would jump on the working bandwagon and help out.  I was wrong.  My siblings thought it was better to hang out with the wrong crowds, drink, do drugs, party all night and sleep all day.  Then they each in turn that it would be a great idea to bring kids into an already strapped situation.  On top of that they all start getting in trouble with the law.  Its beginning to be one mess after another.  I moved out when I was 19 years old and after two years on my own I decided to get saved.  It was one of the best decisions of my life!  That's when I heard that phrase again, "Twelve Sticks".  I heard it often as a child growing up from my father who was a Baptist minister.  It refers to a proverb that a family who stands together will be as strong as twelve sticks, off on its own,  a stick is easy to break.  However if you take that stick and bind it together with 11 others its not so easy to break.  My father was trying to instill that in us, but after he died it went unspoken of and then lost in the weeds.   So after I got saved there is a promise that God will not only save you, but promises the salvation of your family.  I was very excited about this and took upon myself to help and guide my family as much as possible.  Well about 3 months after I got saved I lost my baby, then my job, I ran out of food and wondered how I was gonna survive, but for the next 11 months God was my strength.  He made ways for me to get through that period.  Where was my family??  Off in their own world.  They knew I lost my child, they knew I was unemployed, and they knew I needed help with my $5.00 rent.  They knew I had no money because when they came around to get some on that Friday I told them I was unemployed and had to save what I had.  So they stopped coming.  They knew I lost my child because a week before I miscarried my mom chased and beat me a little way down from her house and I screamed out, "I'm pregnant".  Some of my siblings were there and tried to stop her from beating me.  After I lost my child, my mom told my siblings that I really wasn't pregnant, but my older sister came and told me that Mom said that because she believes she is the cause of your miscarriage.  Whenever I bring it up she acts aloof and then surprised to even hear that I was pregnant.  She disgusts me.  However God got me through it all and when I was coming out of my storm, my siblings and my mom and step father was getting ready to go through theirs.  It was a crossroad.  I saw them all lose their jobs and wondering how they were gonna make it.  I had just started working and I looked back at what I had been through and I remembered those sad nights.  I remembered being so hungry that I would pass out from exhaustion.  I remembered wanting to go somewhere and I couldn't.  I thought about my baby.  Then I thought about my nieces and nephews.  I thought that God had delievered me from all that I had went through and what better way for Him to recieve the glory?  I thought maybe this time they'll listen to me when I start to talk about the Word and us being those twelve sticks.  Maybe this is apart of that promise my family being saved.  I helped my family for 10 long years.  If I got a job I brought them with me.  If the rent, light bill, whatever was due.  I made sure it was paid.  The kids always needed something and I made sure it was paid.  After the 10th year I started to get tired and I saw that they were no closer to even keeping their word in coming to church with me.  I saw that I was nothing, but a cash machine for them.  I wondered what was I doing wrong and God had positioned me to hear some of the conversations that they were having.  My sister boasted one day that she gets money from everybody and as I walked up she said here comes another one, she went on to say how she gets hers and told the truth how much her rent really was.  I was shocked.  I walked home and decided to cut her loose.  A couple weeks later (Bills due now) I got off work early and decided to surprise my mom and Spirit told me to go inside the house through another door and I did.  When I walked in I overheard my mom and sister discussing how I hadn't paid my sister's bills and my mom said, don't worry I'll talk to her about that because she pays my rent and the truck note.  My mom added, that my stepfather had been working these past few months and they had managed to save $3,000.  She said she was gonna let me continue on in paying the bills because things may get sour again and THEIR gonna need THEIR money.  I left and when I got home, Spirit told me not to cry, to be strong and stop being their crutch.  I felt renewed and I wasn't angry..a little hurt, but I had something to go on.   It was a relief cutting them financially and no they did not take it well.  For my operation, none of them showed up or came by to check on me.   Its just more for me to go on that that is their character.  Its just who there are.  As for the twelve sticks, well THEY have got to want to be a stronger family, not me doing it all myself.  Its no better these days, my mom and I had to move out of our apartment complex and where we moved the siblings followed.  They are still going around their mountains and they all end up at my moms' house.  Its a bad situation because they're not supposed to be there and when she gets bitchy with them it comes out on me because she sees it that I should help and I think they should get on birth control and grow up.  Mom is decietful and very manupilative.  She does things to hurt me, but once again God is telling me to be still.  Spirit says, God is going to bless me and deliever me from her plots and plans.  I hold on to that and I hope and pray that one day God blesses me with a Godly husband.  I don't try anymore with my own.  I go further and pray that my future hubbie will not see them in me.  I hope he remembers the story of Noah's daughters-in-law, that its obvious that their families didn't believe the word of God or its messenger.  I'm sure they had it tough from their own families, but Noah and his sons must have saw in them that God was present on the inside.  It has to stand that they listened to Noah's son and found the truth to be truth.  I hope my hubbie sees that in me and not who my family is.  In that way I can get married, change my name, and start my own "Twelve Sticks".  Yeah???   Ya damn right!!

lilyiam07 lilyiam07
31-35, F
Feb 28, 2010