Lost for Years

Well here I am.  I don't even know where to begin.  I stayed home from work today (yet again), because honestly, I just couldn't face being there today.  I have dealt with so many blows this past year, it is hard to even write about it all and even know what to say. 

First of all, let me say that my story begins when I was a little girl.  I grew up in a household with a bullying big sister, an alchoholic father, and a passive mother with low self-esteem who dearly loves me but just watched it all unfold.  I came to the realization 3 years ago that I was sexually abused by a male family friend.  I started hating myself when I was very little.  I started trying to be "perfect" in order to be acceptable to myself and now I cannot get out of the perfectionist cycle and I am miserable, always worried about what others are thinking and I just don't know how to function like a "normal" person, it seems. 

In high school I was pretty and well liked and admired for my talents.  The same deal with college.  The pressure of being smart and talented and pretty got to me, with all of the issues from my past, and I developed an eating disorder and attempted suicide.  I spent two weeks in the hospital and took a semester off from school.  Somehow I got back on my feet, with counseling and medicine and support from some friends, and finished school.  Then I got a Master's degree.  I met my husband during my Master's degree.  He's a wonderful man but has never understood anything about my depression.  It has lingered with me through the years.  It is a black cloud that hangs over me.  Whenever I get into a new situation, after a few weeks, I feel overwhelmed and want to quit, or die, or something. 

A couple of years ago I broke down and ended up in the hospital again.  I am so afraid that my life will just stay that way.  In and out of the hospital.  Something always wrong.  I will never learn how to manage or accept that this is my life and I have to just live it even though I hate it.

For the past three years I have used up all of my sick days at work, and more.  Some days I just cannot face life or people.  I just want to cry and not stop.  I make myself keep going sometimes but the thought of facing anything is dreadful sometimes.  But then, sometimes I feel great! So what does this mean?  Am I bipolar? What am I?  I am still taking the depression medicine. 

I had a baby 6 months ago (he is so precious) and i love him very much. I went back to work after having him and now I feel overwhelmed by everything new in my life.  My father died three weeks before the baby was born.  I miss him terribly now.  I feel stressed all of the time and want to hide under the covers.  I would like to just die, even though I have a wonderful family! I don't understand why I would want to give that up.  I hate myself for feeling the way I do.  It is a never ending cycle of guilt.  Sometimes I wish I had never gotten married or had a child, then I could just die and it wouldn't matter. 

villageblacksmith villageblacksmith
31-35, F
Sep 18, 2007