Trapped In Between

All my life I have been struggling with who am I. Ever since I was a child I have pondered this question. When I was young I use to experiment with makeup from time to time, but it really didn't set in until I was in my teens. I even use to wish that I could be some how magically changed into a woman. So to understand this all, I have been a man trap with a woman's mind and heart. I am a Trans-gender who never took the step to become fully what i wrestled with inside. growing up I could never express what i went through, though I tried on many occasions with my family, but they took me to counselors with no help to prevail. When I was 18 I really began to explore the female side of my life as being transgendered. I wore makeup dressed mostly in modest attire, for I didn't have any way to buy or wear dresses at the time, I wore panties, bra, pantyhose, sandal open toe heels, I had a long brown wig, and most of the clothes I took from my mother's closet. I would go out in public to wear this attire away from my family. I even so desire to be a woman that i even would desire to be a damsel in distress so I would go out away from town and tie myself up with rope to railroad tracks and gag myself as well so that I could play the part of the helpless damsel. This all lasted until my family found out and made me stop what I was doing, and had to throw all that I had into a garbage dump in a creek in the woods where I was living when I was in my early twenties. Yet still I had not fully quit! there were time I still dressed out and worn makeup even still I did it out in public even still I played the damsel in distress role on the railroad tracks. I would even go out to the mall to pretend I was shopping to play a part as a woman and tried on may dresses and skirts, and even one time I went to a bridal shop and tried on a wedding dress with all the trimmings. Even once I wore this little short skirt I made from some shorts i had and wore blouse, panties, bra, pantyhose and small heels late at night and walked to a park where I lived and laid down on my back with my legs on the picnic table and fantasied that I was being made love to by a man on the table. This lasted until 1995 When I had to make a change in my life, but still those feelings were still trapped inside of me. In 2004 those hidden desires came back into my life and I started to wear makeup again. I so loved wearing makeup and even went to Mac's cosmetics to do a full makeover, I was scared but I enjoyed it. Wow how they made me look so much like a woman! I even had some clothing but didn't have any heels mostly because I was overweight. I even dressed up and went out in my makeup to TJ Mulligan's and had a guy try to hit on me. I had a couple girls that I knew there even bought me some makeup for Christmas. I did go visit a gay bar once but I really wanted to be a woman and be with a woman. Yet mostly I stayed away from any relationships and I still am a virgin today. This lasted for about a couple of years and then it went away. Last year these desires came back again and I have found it hard to deal with my feelings. I am 45 now and still the desire to be a woman is still there. the hardest part of all of this is I am 6'7" tall and wear a size 16 in shoes. It's so hard for me at times having to deal with all of this. Even when I so desire to have real breasts and a vagina. Inside trapped in between who i am and who I want to be or become. My female name is Kelli High, I have lived with this other personality in my life for along time, and even today I have read many other trans-gender stories since growing up, and though I don't fully wear makeup or clothing like I did when I was young the feelings are still there inside of me. So this is my true story a man that still desires to be a woman.
kellihigh kellihigh
Jan 6, 2013