Anorexia Would Be A Blessing

Yes, I know many individuals who have anorexia don't like that they have it, and I know many people struggle with it. But when you're obese and don't like it and you hear a thin person griping about how thin they are...try as you may to understand what they mean, you just can't. It's because many people who are overweight would kill to be so lucky as to be able to slim themselves down the way anorexics do.

Personally, I'd love to be anorexic. I've very, very low self-esteem and am very self-conscious about my body. I know I'm not in any way beautiful despite the lunatics who I've known and been close to telling me I am. I'm disgusting with my 37-inch waist and cottage cheese thighs and double chin and fat face. Some people may find this attractive, but I personally do not find the way I look to be in any way appealing. I won't even go into how much obesity impacts one's health.

When I was a junior in high school, I got fed up with being a tub of lard and decided to slim down. I soon realized I was awful at exercising and that I would see no results from doing it, so I began fasting. Some people called me anorexic, but yeah....you don't see any 200-pound anorexics around, now do you? I'm terrified of vomiting, so bulimia would enver have been an option for me. But let me tell you, fasting worked for me. I lost 70 pounds and got down to a size 9 and I felt wonderful. I got to college and plumped back up, and I tried all manner of diets and exercise programs, none of which really had any noticeable effects. I found myself forcing myself to do exercise I hated doing, which likely meant I was putting forth a half-baked attempt.

Now I'm up to 188 and I've gained an extra inch on my waist. All my jeans are fitting me more snugly now; combine that with how much self-loathing I have and how awful I am with exercising and I just feel so disgusted with myself. I want to get back into fasting again since I got results with that...I am at a point in my life where I don't care how allegedly unhealthy anorexia is - I will take the risk of my body feeding off my organs if it means I can bear to look at myself in the mirror once again. I am sick and tired of being huge and being able to do nothing healthy about it, so I am willing to turn to an unhealthy alternative in order to feel better about myself.
StrawberryPocky StrawberryPocky
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 9, 2010

This might sound odd, but I personally never wanted to be stick thin. I understand some folks want to be that size, and that's fine if it's what they want. I think my ideal weight would be somewhere between 135 and 160...I want to be thinner, but still have a little bit of weight on me. I know losing 30-50 pounds is far easier said than done, though.<br />
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The worst part is I have male friends who weigh the same as me and they are easily three or four jeans sizes smaller than I am! No fair! What are they doing that's so special?

I need to start slow, I know...just trying really hard to skip breakfast and lunch (except for my usual coffee, which I need), and eat very little for dinner. Blah, I kind of wish I'd get the flu or some other illness so I'd lose my appetite for a couple weeks. Being able to just drink stuff would help me so much.<br />
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Unfortunately, since I live at home, people will notice if I quit eating and scream at me to eat, so the best I may be able to do is eat nothing but dinner. Good luck with your efforts too - I know throwing up is never fun, and just fasting will achieve the same result but without any mess or eroding of your teeth. If there's an "eating disorder" I'd ever recommend, it's fasting...because it works.

No, I don't think I've got hypothyroidism...I was tested for that a couple years ago and my results came back negative. Besides, I know a lot of fat people complain that they have undiagnosed thyroid problems as an excuse for their laziness-induced obesity. I know that isn't the case with me. My metabolism is probably just screwy from me fasting and not eating much to begin with.<br />
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Unfortunately, I live out in the country on hilly terrain where walking isn't easy. There are no gyms around here either, so even if I had transportation (no license or car), I couldn't go to a gym. I may just go back to fasting since that's the only thing that I know will work for me; I don't care if the pounds I lose are muscle and organ tissue - as long as I get thinner and lose weight, I don't care. If it becomes an issue, I can work on turning the fat to muscle and replace what was lost, but for now, I want to drop 30 pounds and if I have to starve it off, then that's what I'll do.

No, I don't think I've got hypothyroidism...I was tested for that a couple years ago and my results came back negative. Besides, I know a lot of fat people complain that they have undiagnosed thyroid problems as an excuse for their laziness-induced obesity. I know that isn't the case with me. My metabolism is probably just screwy from me fasting and not eating much to begin with.<br />
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Unfortunately, I live out in the country on hilly terrain where walking isn't easy. There are no gyms around here either, so even if I had transportation (no license or car), I couldn't go to a gym. I may just go back to fasting since that's the only thing that I know will work for me; I don't care if the pounds I lose are muscle and organ tissue - as long as I get thinner and lose weight, I don't care. If it becomes an issue, I can work on turning the fat to muscle and replace what was lost, but for now, I want to drop 30 pounds and if I have to starve it off, then that's what I'll do.

The worst part is I don't even eat that much...not trying to starve myself, but it's just I can't stuff myself. Looking at me, you'd think I gorge all the time, but I know for a fact I do not eat 2000 calories a day. Maybe around 1500.<br />
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Exercise has proven to do nothing for me because I get tired so fast, before it can have any positive effect on me. And when I try to keep exercising while my heart is thumping like a drum and I can't breathe and I'm shaking, I know I'm not doing it as well as I should and thus not getting a proper workout.<br />
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I actually really wanted to get into belly dancing, but the video I bought which was a beginner-level workout was so hard and so fast that I just could not keep up.<br />
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And unfortunately, I have no insurance and I'm pretty broke, so I can only see a doctor if it's a life-threatening emergency. And I know a doctor will advise exactly that which will do me no good: Exercise. I just cannot exercise properly. My body is not strong and it will not allow me to do something like jog or do yoga. I hate that I'm so weak, but it's just how I am, so the only thing that will work for me is to reduce my calorie intake radically.<br />
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I would at least like to look into natural appetite suppressants (like I've heard a little vinegar in water can make a person not hungry).