If Only...

If only I had the discipline and strength it took.

I never used to hate the way I looked until I transferred schools in the second grade and started really noticing the opposite sex in fifth grade and the same sex in sixth grade. After that I began to really hate myself. I hated the way my face looked; my nose was to round, my face to fat, my eyes sunk-in and surrounded by deep black semi circles, and my ears stuck out too far. On top of that I had braces, glasses, and frizzy/kinky hair. I was also fat. That was what hurt me the most, being fat. Make-up could hide the bags under my eyes, I could straighten my hair and cover my ears, and eventually the fat dropped from my face but it never left the rest of my body.

I tried to lose the weight. I dieted and exercised but I never seemed to be able to keep up with it. No one around me wanted to help me either, I begged (practically on my knees about to slit my wrist) for any one to help keep me in line because I knew I couldn't do it by my self. Two of my very best friends J.R and J.N.R told me how they managed to lose weight and keep it off, Anorexia. J.R was a dancer when she was younger (ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop) but she kept weight off by eating next to nothing. J.N.R started high school off a bit on the fat side (like my self) but lost all of it the summer she tried out for volleyball team and ate absolutely nothing. J.R was always the most desirable in our group, ask anyone. J.N.R became her only competition after she lost the weight.

I tried to be anorexic so that I could be in their league, so that I could be noticed as more then just J.R's fat friend. It didn't work (surprise!). I couldn't keep up with it. That was like the ultimate failure in my book. My fat, undisciplined *** couldn't stop eating. Some how I managed to go from almost 190 lbs. in the 8th grade to around 135-140 lbs in 12th grade. I will admit that is impressive but I'm still fat. I'm only 5'4" and weigh between 145 and 150. That is disgusting!! I might as well still weigh next to 190. My body is still as gross as it was then and I am still over looked by everyone because of it. If only I could stop eating and push my self to exercise more (since no one else is willing to help give that little extra push or motivation) then I won't be a social outcast anymore. I might have a chance at making more friends or having a real relationship with someone who loves me (someone who wants me and isn't just settling for me).

All I want form life is to be happy. Fat (me) - food = happy. Simple, right?

netgurl netgurl
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Whoaa, don't you think you should watch what you're saying about your height and weight? What if someone else happens to be the same size? You would make them feel like ****. By the way, I'm not. I weigh 97 pounds and I'm 59 inches tall. And you TRIED to be anorexic? What. WHAT. WHAT?! That's seriously messed up. Do you even get how hard it is to actually be anorexic? It's pretty ******* difficult.. Hate to make you feel bad, but yeah. That's bs.

hey.. i can totally empathize. i'm 5'5" and i weigh 175 lbs... there are times im so frustrated at myself for not being able to keep away from food, and not being motivated to exercise.. yes, anorexia seems to reflect on someone's determination. but its not a good way to lose weight. the best way to do it is to keep your goal in mind.<br />
ask yourself why you want to lose weight, write it down. read it for inspiration. anorexia is bad for you in the long run. lets try to eat healthy and workout.. and instead of looking for immediate results, lets try to stay motivated :)