I'm Soooooooo Depressed!

My life has taken a turn for the worst. Right now, I'm deciding whether I should stay alive and fight or just give up. The latter seems so much easier. I'm sure a couple of people would miss me, but they'd soon get over it. I've just recntly broken up with my husband. We were together for 7 years. He was my first and only love. We have a 4 year old son. I have custody of him and his dad has him on weekends. The reason for the break up was that I developed serious post natal depression. I became a completely different person. My husband's life was undisturbed with the birth of our son. Mine was changed in every way. He still went out with his mates and continues with his hobbies. Meanwhile, I was scared to leave the house, had MAJOR self image issues, and shut myself off from family and friends. I was very slim and cute before I fell pregnant. I put on 30kg during the pregnancy. I flt disgusting. Weight has always been a phobia of mine. My mum is obese and I never want to be that way. My husband would make remarks about other mums when we went out. He'd say "look, she got her body back". Instead if those words being encouraging, they made me want to hide. Our sex life was non-existant and I just felt so ugly. My husband wasn't there for me emotionally. One of his close mates was though. He'd had his eye on me from the night I met my husband. He showed me attention I was craving, and things started to develop between him and I. At first, it was just emailing. Then, they got physical. We only had one physical encounter. I felt so guilty that I confessed to my husband. Please remember that I still had major PND at the time. I was stuck in a dark cloud. I couldn't see any light. I saw a hand reach out to me and I grabbed hold of it. The hand wasn't my husband's though. At the time, I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. I would have fallen for a clothes peg if it showed me the attention I was craving. Once I told my husband, he was devistated. We stayed together though, for 2 more years. Those two years were awful.He'd shut himself emotionally from me. He said he was protecting himself from getting hurt again. I was still sufferring from PND, and I was trying to make up for what I did. It was impossible. I was trying to connect with my husband, to build our relationship up again and forget about the past. He wouldn't let that happen. Whenever we had a fight, what I did would always come up. He complained about everything I did, and didn't do. He kept telling me I had to make it up to him but he hated me. I could tell. He only stayed with me because of our son.I felt like I was living with a stranger. How was I supposed to get out of my depression while I had no love in my life? I had no contact with friends and family. I was completely alone, in my own miserable depressed world. I wanted my husband back so badly. My real husband. The one who loved and cared for me. Instead, I had a cold, bitter, complaining person living with me who cared more about his mates and hobbies... My life felt like a living hell. During all this, I had to keep working. I'm a nurse. I had to put myself into 'automatic pilot' and deal with needy patients. I noticed a new phone number in my husbands phone. Dani. He told me it was a mate of his. He would have missed calls from this 'Dani' all the time. He started going outside to make calls and wouldn't let me near his phone. 4 months ago, he decided he was leaving. The night he left, I got 'Dani's' number out of his phone. I called it, and it was a girl. I asked to speak to my husband, and he was right there, with her! He still tells me that they're 'just friends'. I may be depressed, but I'm not stupid. A lot has happened since then, but I want our family back together. He's digging his heels in and saying 'no'. I hate being single. We have a son together. Doesn't that mean anything to him? If we had marriage counselling together I'm sure we could work things out. I just feel like giving up on everything. I hate the single life. I hate the thought of trying to find someone else. I hate the thought of being a single mum. I feel so alone.
bertybeetle bertybeetle
26-30, F
5 Responses Jul 17, 2007

its a sad world..but remember the smile on your kids face..no one and nothing is worth giving your life up...god is in details...focus on good ones...

I really hate that you're going through this and I am sorry about your depression. But...in all honesty, you "said it" yourself when you were describing your reaction to your husband being there with his new "friend" Dani. I believe your words were; "I may be depressed, but I'm not stupid"...and I agree, you don't sound stupid to me. <br />
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Unfortunately, you "should" have remember that you were not "stupid" when you're husband's "buddy" was "paying all of this attention to you"...and you allowed it to "break your marriage vows" by (as you put it) "getting physical" with him.<br />
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"That" was certainly not the "smartest" thing to do... and just because you are "depressed" unfortunately DOES NOT give you (and your husband's buddy) a "free pass" to "cheat."<br />
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From your characterization of your situation; it seems that "you admit" that it was YOU and YOUR ILLNESS that caused the "distance" between you and your husband IN THE FIRST PLACE... Still in light of you being depressed and ill, your husband did not show you the attention you claimed to have needed so badly, however, he DID NOT CHEAT on you...correct?<br />
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And then, YOU "gave in" to temptation and cheated. <br />
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Again, I am VERY SORRY for you and for your depression, but that simply "isn't" a license for you to cheat. I am sure I am probably "old school" ...but I have been married to my wife for 31 years, and I have no doubt she has had MANY opportunities to cheat on me, thankfully she never has. And, she has suffered MUCH MORE than depression... she is a cancer survivor, (still a remarkably beautiful and desirable woman) ...PLUS, WE JUST LOST OUR PRECIOUS 25 YR OLD SON UNEXPECTEDLY ON SEPTEMBER 23rd, 2007. She has had EVERY reason to "throw up her hands" and say "to hell with everything."<br />
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My point dear is that; there is NEVER an "excuse" to break your marriage vows, "unless" your spouse has broken them FOR YOU, which unfortunately you did.<br />
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Now, I am sure you hate me by now, however remember, just because you made a mistake and cheated on your husband DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD OR EVIL PERSON. It makes you a human being...and human beings "make mistakes." You sound like a very warm, caring, intelligent...and I am sure "beautiful" young lady...so my advice would be to #1: go and seek professional help and medication for your depression...and #2; move forward with your life and try and begin to put this all behind you. I know it won't be easy...but you must if you want any kind of sanity. Before you know it... someone will find you and fall in love with you and you likewise. I have no doubt you will have a beautiful life! Take care of that precious little one and remember... "you're somebody too" and you're everybit as good as anybody else out there!! God Bless you dear.

I feel very badly for you, but you should try to keep your head up. <br />
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Not all men are like children! You can, and you will meet someone who will make you realize that what you had wasn't any good (I am sure that there were parts that were good) and will make you smile again. Just wipe away those tears and try to smile. I know it will be hard, but you can do it.

It is hard after you have children. Your body is never the same. I too, with my first pregnancy, put on probably around 30 kg, like you. You feel that your husband isn't attracted to you. You start becoming insecure and have self doubt. I did not suffer PND, however I was unhappy. When I started losing the weight my husband couldn't believe his eyes. Maybe you need to focus on getting fit and healthy. Make your life about you and your son.<br />
I can't relate to the single mum thing... Unfortunately, I still am with my husband. Let's face it..everything is hard at first but you will get through this. Who knows you may even meet someone wonderful along the way. Although, I would suggest remaining single. Men are like children, and they never grow up! He is obviously having an affair... why would you want him back?

I'm sorry you feel so depressed. I know how hard it is to be single and feel so alone. . The weekends when my kids left to his house sucked big time.I remember I used to cry the first few weeks, but then I got used to it and started enjoying my free time after a whileI also know how it feels like to be overweight. After I got divorced and was alone with my 4 kids, I started walking for exercise at first, then running. It made me feel so much better and I started looking a lot better too. It helped me lift my depression quite a bit also. The hardest part is just getting out there. Good luck and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here.