Defective, Un-fixable, Tired And Morbidly Hopeless

Thirty years of therapy, five different anti-depressant meds a day, great loving family. I was broken long ago but I have to take responsibility for being unable to rise above my obstacles. I spent a long time trying to manage the pain with drugs and alcohol. Clean and sober for over ten years making the best effort I can to be the kind of person I aspire to be but I'm failing.

My warped emotional landscape is littered with endless episodes where my anger and insecurity has led to bad behavior and poor decisions. I've lost jobs and alienated people, ruining relationships over and over.

It's all my fault. I'm too weak and self centered to rise above all the wreckage. I'm tired, I have no strength left to fight the good fight. Not enough character to let my gratitude for my family heal me in any way.

A long, slow downward spiral to another crash and burn. I want to die before I loose another job, hurt my wife with one more job loss, mean remark, one more time I've screwed up. I have failed in life. Suicide would just be another hurt and humiliation on my wife and kids. Anyone who reads this is probably tsk-tsking at another loser feeling sorry for himself. That may be true but I feel like I've fought hard and lost. I'm tired of losing.
An Ep User An EP User
6 Responses Jan 11, 2013

Steph: I hope something I wrote to "Why 1978" struck a positive spot. I struggle to do those things, they're easier to say than do. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore either. That's why I fight the fight even when I don't want to. I fight so that I don't hurt my family (who I know love me) in the worst way possible. Hang in, please fight the good fight. At least you know that another person has been to that dark place and knows how you feel. Hope to hear from you soon.

I feel the exact same way, ive fought hard and lost, im tired of losing too. Just want to sit in the woods lost and vanish. Not bothering or hurting anyone. That would be my happy ending!

Why1978: Thank you for posting. Every morning, I remind myself that my family loves me. They're all very normal, well adjusted people so if they don't find me so defective, maybe there's hope. I start every day intending to fight the good fight. I try to take responsibility for the things I say and do that contribute to my unhappiness. I'm trying to convince myself that taking responsibility and beating myself up aren't the same thing. There are many days that I run out of gas before the end of the day and that leaves me in dark places. There are days, more than there once were, where I make it through the day successfully. For me that means not taking a drink or a drug, not acting or speaking impulsively and treating all the people I encounter that day with unqualified courtesy. When I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep at the end of those days, I feel lighter and there's less pain. I'm thinking you're a good person, if for no other reason than mean people don't suffer like this or they take their suffering out on everyone else. You're not doing that. Maybe you can find a couple of things you want to accomplish everyday. The feeling of success is worth the work for me. It keeps me in a more productive frame of mind. I prefer to pass the time that way than wishing for an exit. Obviously, there are days I fall flat on my face but in the moments when I'm slightly lucid, I hope I can say something that will help a good person who's been where I've been to remember that the game's not over unless we quit...and there are reasons not to quit. Take care.

I feel like you, I wish so badly that there was an easy way out of this life, I have a loving mother, wife and support group and have tried several different types of antidepressants, homeopathic and allopathic, I am so tired of the struggle and the way that life seems to **** on me no matter what I do, I am a very moral person and don't believe that I deserve the fate I have been given, but no matter how I try, I can't get out of my cycle of depression, its just not fair. I don't know what to say to help, because I am broken myself, unfixable, trying to be good in an unfair world. Please end me soon.

I hope things get better for you...

I appreciate your kindness. Thank you.

I don't know what we have in common other than "I wish I were dead" as well. I don't have a wife or kids or family and at my age, I should. I just signed up on this site yesterday and after doing one of these "responses" and getting one in return, well that was the first human contact I've had in a week. I've lost EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in my life. LITERALLY!
I don't have a job or insurance or enough money to get counseling. And whatever benefit I might derive from one counseling session would be totally wiped out (10-fold) when I received the bill.
So I wish I were DEAD! I wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. Hell a simple heart attack or stroke would do the trick. For me it is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when.
Hey, sorry for venting on this response. Like I said, I don't have anyone to talk to. And at the end of this month I will not even have this "prepay" phone.
I really hope all of you hurting at the very least find some relief.