I've read a lot of things about the ideal weight. I'm supposed to be from 52-59 kg. So what - I'm 51 kg, I'm normal and I hate myself for it. Who likes normal?! I want to be skinny. I've tried everything. I've tried eating 500 kcal a day, and what - nothing. I eat less than 900 everyday for over a year, and what - nothing. Every time I actually succeed losing weight, I gain it back. I was 47kg and it was the best summer of my life and then for 4 months I ruined it all. I hate myself. There's nothing to like - I'm fat. And I'm so obsessed with this. I can't stop thinking about calories, I count everything I eat.

The thought that I'm never ever gonna be good enough for anybody is just killing me inside. That's the main reason I started cutting - distraction from how much I actually hate myself. Now I've got even more problems - hiding. (I'm always wearing long sleeves). One more reason to hate myself and why shouldn't I? Who would ever like a girl with scars like that?! I'm just a failure - I can't do anything right. I'm never gonna be happy but I don't deserve it anyway. There are so many children who don't have any food or even home with their own bed and then there's me - I've got everything I need and I'm still complaining. How can I be so f*cking selfish! I just deserve to die. I'm not really alive anyway - I just exist. And the best part – even if I try to tell anyone how I feel they’re just gonna feel sorry for me. I definitely don’t want this that’s why I stay quiet and never talk about me. At least no one here knows me.

Yep… I wish I was dead…
elena1998 elena1998
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

The only way you are going to lose weight is if you adopt eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia because you are already at a healthy weight. And if you do adopt those, then your body will break down your muscle for fuel, and guess what: The heart is a muscle. And when you eat something it will just add fat to your body and store it.
Also, I have permanent cuts on my arms and legs and when the right person walks into your life, they won't care one bit and soon you won't care about your scars either.

Hi, I like turtles

do you really think you are a failure because you don't look like a skeleton? girl, don't worry about the others, you are living your own life on this planet, so you better make the best of it! do you care about the weight of the other girls you see or you know? i don't think so, and they don't care about yours neither, because it is your own body, not theirs :) stop deprive yourself from the pleasure of eating food, try sports you're gonna feel so much more healty :) and keep in mind that it's your own life, not anyone else's! <3

thanks :)