Love Does Not Care Whether You’re Beautiful, Thin, Smart Or Even If You’re A Good Person…

One of my exes sent me a link to his blog, which I have been receiving on regular basis, as he’s been overseas for two years now. I don’t generally read it, or if I do, I only skim through it for the pictures.

We have stayed friends, more or less. I had kept a distance until he finally settled enough to start a new relationship with someone else. For me, its to avoid the weirdness and the occasional emotional intimacy he still seemed to have reached for. On my part, I just cringe, as too many things have happened for me to truly reconcile our bond.

So it’s comes as a ‘surprised’ that I felt a bit upset when I saw a photo of him and his ‘new’ girlfriend (I had known about her for a year now. I never thought twice about it before.). Then to add to the displeased, he referred to her as ‘his woman’ and his better half – typically possessive of him, and typically of me: resented any sign of being owned or tied down – one of the many things we fought about.

I realised that this is the second ex that have fully moved on from me. And since I never cared before, I wondered why it’s such a shock to me. Do I honestly expect him to keep pining for me?

Well, the answer is: yes! I do.

It’s unrealistic and non constructively serving, but I had always been the girl that guys regrets losing and pined for. It takes them years to be able to move on – cause I was always ‘the one’.

Then I realised: It has been four years. And he had been pining for me, until very recently. He’s finally moving on. Like my first ex… I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that I am way hotter than their current partners, more stylish, and from what he’s mention to me, way smarter… But oddly enough, these facts did the opposite. It just further proof the fact that no amount of outer achievements can obtain love for you if you’re not ready on the inside – no matter how much you want it.

I have seen much less attractive people fall in love; much less intelligent, unsophisticated people form happy, loving relationships. I have seen unkind people that have families that love them unconditionally… I know deserving of love and happy, stable relationship is not based on looks, intellect, or even necessarily need to be a considerate or a good person. It’s about self-esteem and knowing that you are worth loving for – that it’s your birthright!

Somehow, I missed that memo.

I realized that I was upset, not because I was jealous, or need his feelings and attention for validation. But because I felt I have not moved too much forward – in the sense that I still swing from wanting a stable relationship to the fear and dread of being tie down. I still can't fall asleep next to someone. I still have this instinct to run when guys looks at me with wanting. I still feel suffocated at the thought of being in a long-term committed relationship.

I want to give and receive real love - to build a relationship of stability and security, but the idea of losing my freedom, and the memories of having to compromise cause me to sabotage potential new relationships. Or I just deliberately pick the unsuitable, so I can leave.

I am aware that all of these are old fears and patterns, and I can chose to do it differently. I can choose more suitable partners that understand my need for space and room to grow. I can be with someone that is confident and self-aware enough to trust in himself and me - that our relationship can build on a solid friendship and respect. I know that when I am ready, I will be able to settle down. I hope, when I am ready, I will be able to fall in love… I want to build a healthy, equal, long lasting bond with someone that I love - someone I truly want to be with - someone that loves me with devotion and encouragement for me to grow as an individual, as well as a couple and a family.

I hope that someday will be soon.
watchfulsoul watchfulsoul
26-30, F
12 Responses Mar 27, 2011

I hope this is not too late . Touched by this story. How are you now?

Thank you, Sam:) I very much appreciate your comment and your kind wishes.<br />
God bless!

Extremely well- written. And , the way you have expressed your opinion about love and relationship is very much reasonable and fair. Even , my thinking is also pretty much same as you.And, I also believe that love can only blossom when its two way.Because , true love relationship can only go long if its built selflessly without any motivation and concern for oneself. And , when it comes to compromise and adjustment between two partners then it means there is no love but just a mere bondage.<br />
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May you get your true and devoted life partner. God bless U !

I agree, Peter:)<br />
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I have learned to accept the limitations of being human, and we shall value ourselves as much as others - as equally as possible.

I have wasted half my life trying to be like Jesus...<br />
Sacrificing my own needs for the good of others.... It nearly killed me..!<br />
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Now don't get me wrong here... I think the love demonstrated by him is exceptional and the ideal but I think also we have to realise WE ARE NOT HIM!<br />
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We are human through and through and even if we have faith and experience in real life some of the benefits of that faith, we still have to deal with the contradictions that exist in being human.<br />
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Be who you are...not who you would like to be...!

Spectra:<br />
I was not implying the relationships are easy, but I think relationships should be a place where you feel free and a place where you can be who you are - like being both at home and on a holiday. I am aware relationships require consistency, work, compromises, and yes, at times, personal sacrifices. But from experiences, sacrificing one self for relationship isn't healthy in the long run. And I think there is a difference in personal relationships to love of the whole, like Jesus' love for his people. But I can see where you're coming from, and I don't hate you for voicing your opinion. We are all here to share our thoughts, and I appreciate your contribution. <br />
I hope you are one of those 'few lucky souls' that finds true love:)

I respect your opinion watchful soul. But I dont think sacrificing yourself is giving up who you are and the life within. And relationship that I am talking here is of a married relationship. Who said relationship is easy like checking into a hotel room or home. I dont even know how to compare the two. And anyways, i am not sure I will be able to make you understand anything at all because true love has become such a scarce thing and happens to very very few lucky souls. Now a days, i only see adjustments.... What i can say to you is to make informed decisions. You must have by now guessed it that I am giving up... :) Yes, I am ...I am tired.... tired of so many things that people think is correct that I dont know where to start. I dont blame them because what they is what they believe... But will you give an example. Maybe you will like it and understand or may be you will hate it and hate me as well. I am sorry for that in advance. There is a quote from Bible that i have read so very often. It says: Jesus Christ loved his people so much that he gave up his life for them... Maybe you can start thinking from there...

Love has no boundaries.

Gr8jesus:<br />
Thank you - it's a very kind compliment:) I am very happy that you enjoyed reading it!

Specta:<br />
I really don't think love is about giving up all things that you hold dear. Sure you need to compromised to an extend, and give up some personal time and space, but to give up all that you hold dear? - if that's the case, then you're giving up who you are and the life within in order to be in a relationship with someone, which to me is no real relationship at all. It's co dependency - it's like checking yourself into prison, instead of a comfortable hotel or home. <br />
I believe a healthy relationship is about knowing who you are and respecting the individual aspect of each person, and then communicate continuously to build a life together on common grounds. I believe we all need personal space to grow, and we should respect that in a partnership.

beautiful write...enjoyed reading...superb language and flow of words are awesome..u left me speechless...these comments are not enough to compliment u i think.... .:)

The other name for love is sacrifice. Sacrifice of your space, your peasures and may be yourself.....anything which you hold dear. rest is all adjustments. If you cant do that, maybe you wanna sit down a bit and think if you really want love in your life...