Love Does Not Care Whether You’re Beautiful, Thin, Smart Or Even If You’re A Good Person…One of my exes sent me a link to his blog, which I have been receiving on regular basis, as he’s been overseas for two years now. I don’t generally read it, or if I do, I only skim through it for the pictures.
We have stayed friends, more or less. I had kept a distance until he finally settled enough to start a new relationship with someone else. For me, its to avoid the weirdness and the occasional emotional intimacy he still seemed to have reached for. On my part, I just cringe, as too many things have happened for me to truly reconcile our bond.
So it’s comes as a ‘surprised’ that I felt a bit upset when I saw a photo of him and his ‘new’ girlfriend (I had known about her for a year now. I never thought twice about it before.). Then to add to the displeased, he referred to her as ‘his woman’ and his better half – typically possessive of him, and typically of me: resented any sign of being owned or tied down – one of the many things we fought about.
I realised that this is the second ex that have fully moved on from me. And since I never cared before, I wondered why it’s such a shock to me. Do I honestly expect him to keep pining for me?
Well, the answer is: yes! I do.
It’s unrealistic and non constructively serving, but I had always been the girl that guys regrets losing and pined for. It takes them years to be able to move on – cause I was always ‘the one’.
Then I realised: It has been four years. And he had been pining for me, until very recently. He’s finally moving on. Like my first ex… I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that I am way hotter than their current partners, more stylish, and from what he’s mention to me, way smarter… But oddly enough, these facts did the opposite. It just further proof the fact that no amount of outer achievements can obtain love for you if you’re not ready on the inside – no matter how much you want it.
I have seen much less attractive people fall in love; much less intelligent, unsophisticated people form happy, loving relationships. I have seen unkind people that have families that love them unconditionally… I know deserving of love and happy, stable relationship is not ba
Somehow, I missed that memo.
I realized that I was upset, not because I was jealous, or need his feelings and attention for validation. But because I felt I have not moved too much forward – in the sense that I still swing from wanting a stable relationship to the fear and dread of being tie down. I still can't fall asleep next to someone. I still have this instinct to run when guys looks at me with wanting. I still feel suffocated at the thought of being in a long-term committed relationship.
I want to give and receive real love - to build a relationship of stability and security, but the idea of losing my freedom, and the memories of having to compromise cause me to sabotage potential new relationships. Or I just deliberately pick the unsuitable, so I can leave.
I am aware that all of these are old fears and patterns, and I can chose to do it differently. I can choose more suitable partners that understand my need for space and room to grow. I can be with someone that is confident and self-aware enough to trust in himself and me - that our relationship can build on a solid friendship and respect. I know that when I am ready, I will be able to settle down. I hope, when I am ready, I will be able to fall in love… I want to build a healthy, equal, long lasting bond with someone that I love - someone I truly want to be with - someone that loves me with devotion and encouragement for me to grow as an individual, as well as a couple and a family.
I hope that someday will be soon.
watchfulsoul 26-30, F 13 Responses 6 Mar 27, 2011