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I'm Not A Believer

Hey guys!
So I want to talk about L-O-V-E.
I'lI just want to say that I don't believe in the L word.
Why, you might ask?
Well, I've been asking myself that question too. And I think I found the answers.

First of all, because my parents don't beleive in love. No, they weren't head over heels for eachother when they got married. They actually never met until the wedding ceremony.
My parent's had an arranged marriage
Everyone in my family had an arranged marriage
Actually, my cousin who swore she would never do that is going to get married to stranger this summer
Joy.
So my folks are firm believers that arranged marriage is the right thing. The same way they beleive that becoming a doctor or a lawyer is the best option for me. Like, hell yeah it is! My mom told me when I was ten that if you marry by love, you're doomed to a divorce. Because love fades. I disagree. Actually, I prefer a divorce to loveless marriage like hers. At least that way I can learn from a mistake, know what I want and be free to make a decision.
Because my parents aren't happy in their relationship. They've growned to endure eachother's presence, maybe even like one another. I've actually concluded that only reason they had me and my sisters was because they didn't want to be the shame of the family by not having any children. Like back in the days when you would married and then the entire village expected you to be pregnant by next month. Because in my household, it's really really really really really important what others think of you. That's why they didn't divorce a few years back when they were constantly fighting.
SO growing up I had pretty crappy example about love. Plus, it's not something that we talk about.

Secondly, I have had the pleasure of witnessing lately what I call Being-In-Love-With-Love Syndrome (I'm working on a new name for that). It's basically when you fall for the first person that'll have you. Like one my friends who is addament that she NEEDS to be in a relationship to feel good. Two years ago she started dating a dude she met off of a virtual world game thing. After a few months, he broke up with her (via Facebook. People, don't do that) she was heart broken. But about a month later, she already had a new bf ( who turned out to be the brother of her ex's bestfriend). Six months later, she breaks it off right before the beginning of summer claimming she couldn't beleive she fell for him as he wasn't his type. It's basically because he declared his love for her and she saw pink, thinking she was in love as well. Then during that summer, she started flirting all over again with ex number 1, knowing he was trouble (I Knew You Were Trouble, Taylor Swift). Don't know why she was surprised when she found out he already had a girlfriend. Ugh. Then in fall she started talking to this dude who lives four hours drive away from her. She kept on claiming he was the one and that they were going to go to prom together and move in and blah blah blah. Funny how she forgot about him within a second when she found a guy trough a common friend who was interested in her. They're still dating but for how long? It's seriously scary and I don't want to be that girl. I consider myself independent and don't NEED a guy to make me happy. Because happiness comes from within, not from somebody else.

Then there's the media. Yes, the constantly breaking up and making up celebrity couples (Rihanna shouldn't have taken Chris Brown back in. Personnal oppinion) But also the movies and books. They try to sell you this undying love and love conquer's all and whatnot. It' kinda depressing afterwards when you look at the real world with real world issues. Movies and Books basically put in your head an ideal concept that you know the real world can't ever deliver. THANKS ALOT TWILIGHT.
Because an actuall relationship isn't just about love. It's about loving that person enough to want it to make it work. You two are basically like a sports team. Sticking together and being by eachothers side no matter how bad the score is and the working on whatever it is to make your game better. I guess the main problem with people today is commitment.

Wich brings me to my next point. Commitment. Heck, I am the least committed person you'll ever meet. I'm constantly on the move, my mind always changing. Last week my favorite colour was green. Now it's red and it'll probably be purple next week. I don't think I'll ever get a tattoo because I know I'll hate after a few months (that and I hate needles). I've never been in a relationship but I like to evaluate how good I would be in a relationship with my friendships. Because, it's pretty much the same thing (except you don't kiss them goodnight). Basically, I had FOUR bestfriends in eight years.
1. She started bullying me and then she moved. It's not really my fault
2. She was also mean. Again, not my fault
3. We went to different high school. She was always bragging about how her school was great and full of smart people. She went to a private and I went to public. We just started pushing eachother away. I wish I was still her bestfriend. We had great times together.
4. We were putted in different programs. Me in enriched and her in regular. This was in freshman year, where people change. I was taught that when something isn't good for you, let go. We had good times at first but things started to change and yeah. I don't regret letting go. I only regret the memories that follow when I think of her.
So... yeah.

My final point is my self-insecurities (is that even a word?) No guy has ever looked at me in that special way. I've had this a crush on this guy for practically tree years and I think he knows 'cus he always kisses his girlfriend then looks pointily at me when I pass by them to go to my locker (because they hang out in front of my locker hall. Inevitable) Thanks alot buddy. I'm one of those girls that the guys consider as one of their own. Like Hermione with Ron and Harry. Ron finally noticed her in like book 6. I'm the girl people keep around as a aquaintance 'cus you never know when you'll need her for your science homework. Yeah, I'm that girl. It's really depressing when you know that guys don't care about you. My friends are all, don't worry, the right one will come along. Easy for them to say, they already all have a boyfriend. I know they're right but at the same time I don't wan't a relationship. Because of my theory of all realtionships end. Wether it's in two months, a year, 50 years or best case scenario, till death do two apart. But in the end, it always ends. And I'm a busy person and don't have the time nor do I want to deal with what comes after. Heartbreak. I've been hurt many times before and I don't want to be hurt again.

So yeah. I believe in love for others. I think it's important to have someone to cherish and who makes YOU feel loved in your life. Even in a world full of divorce, I still believe you can make it. I just don't believe it's made for me. Right now I'm good alone and I'm fine with being alone for the rest of my life. I've always imagined myself as a work driven person anyways. If it happens, it will happen. But I'm not going to anxiously wait and depress myself to death. I'll live my life, trying to get the best out of it and enjoy myself. Have fun! After all, you do only live once ;)

Let me know what you think in the comments!
Sincerly,
SunlightStar
SunlightStar777 SunlightStar777 16-17, F Dec 30, 2012

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