I Think I Love My Bestfriend

Im 18 and lets just say his name is J. The first time i met him was in math class, he sat in front of me. I remembered thinking to myself he was one of those mean boys i should stay away from, and i did. Until i started getting lost with assignments and hed turn around and helped me. The first thing i noticed about him was his eyes. Im very observant when it comes to people. But ever since then weve been bestfriends for a year, i had a boyfriend that his best buddy and he had a girlfriend that was my best buddy. It was the perfect thing ever till i found out that his girlfriend had cheated on him with my boyfriend and everyhig went downhill. I had to tell him and when i did the look on his face broke my heart. After i told him i cried bc i never wanted to hurt him. Well ever since then i wanted to tell him i like him but it was the wrong time. We eventually forgave our spouses and began to live normal. Months pass and we were closer than ever i was sooo comfortable with him, that we sstarted flirting then we planned on being friends with benefits. At school we were walkkng late to class and he stopped and kissed me, it was awkward because i didnt see it coming but i enjoyed it very much, I started to lose feelings for my boyfriend and focused on J. until his girlfriend saw our text messages we were talking about if we ever thought about getting together welll that didnt go well she told everybody and made a big scene!! I am currently known as THE school ***** and i put the HO in homewrecker, but i ignored them because all thegirls that hate me are cheerleaders so it doesnt matter. Point is they broke up and me and him were closer still our friendship is strong. Weeks later we started hanging out and we ended up doing the dirty all of our passion for eachother was layed out right there, eye contact and scratching it was intense and i remember him smiling during our kisses, he cares alot. After words we talked about our feelings. Days later i broke up with my boyfriend it was useless being with him if i didnt feel for him. When i told J he was suprised but glad that he had me all to himself, i was happpppy. We continued our secret and days later he told me that he just wants to be single and doesnt wannabe with me he wants to maintain our friends w/ benefits though. I knew he wouldnt want me anymore and it broke my heart, i told him i have all these feelings andhe said should i stop talking to you for awhile? Which broke me down. Hes currently not talking to me, and im devestated