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Am I Really Unhappy? Because I Am Rethinking My Relationship.

I have been with my bf for 4 1/2 years now. He is the only man that I considered my best friend and lover at the same time. We have had great times together and I am happy with the family we have created together. We have been living together for 3 years and he has two boys ages 13 and 14. I have no kids. I came into this relationship not thinking I would adjust to dealing with his kids, but I proved myself wrong. I love them as if they were my own. I do everything for them, take them to school, buy them stuff, etc. I take care of him and his boys. We have gone through so much together and he has stayed through my ups and downs just like I Have with his. I love what I have but lately I feel as if my heart is questioning my happiness. I am constantly getting upset over comments and jokes he makes. Even though he says hes joking, it bothers me that he doesn't respect my feelings. Why does he like to **** me off? I try to let it go at times, but its just annoyance on my part I guess. Most of the time, this problem ends in a fight. He says its me, that Im the one with the problem and that Im always angry and negative. I never thought I was a negative person, I try to live life to the fullest. But I find myself thinking he may be right. I let my thoughts run my mind and I let one little thing ruin everything. I am constantly questioning if this relationship is the reason for my unhappiness. I have tried to discuss it with him but it seems he is tired of hearing me and my gripes. I don't feel his love even though he says he loves me. I have heard friends tell me they think ive settled, because he was my first real relationship. I am scared to lose what I have but I dont want to be in an unhappy relationship. At this moment, I am distancing myself from him and not showing as much attention to our problems or even trying to make things better. I feel exhausted. I have tried everything. It is almost 5 years into this and not even a ring. Even though he tells me he tried but could not afford it right now. I respect that, but if he really wanted it to happen and show me he wants me forever, he would have tried hard. I dont care for the most expensive ring. I am hurting so much at this point and turning to god for answers. I feel I need to make myself happy for this relationship to work. So I am taking the time to worry about me and making me a happy positive person. I know I cant change the way things are and will let time work its magic. But I would like a biased opinion. Should I let this go?
mina4380 mina4380 31-35, F 3 Responses Jan 8, 2013

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It sounds like early on in the relationship you both had ups & downs that you supported each other with. You seem to in a down now but he makes fun of it? He could genuinely attempting to use humour to lift your mood or he could be being an insensitive ***. I'm thinking the latter if it's leading to arguments.

You mention a ring. Is that you truely want? Would that 'prove' his love?

Have a long think about what you want from the relationship and picture yourself 5 / 10 / 20 years in the future.

If your heart is at odds with your mind, what is it that you need for balance?

I want us to appreciate and respect each other. I want him to listen to my needs and want to make it better. I need the security, otherwise I feel insecure, and my first reaction is to call it quits.

Now is the time that you need to be more specific. What can he do to show you the appreciation and respect that you want? What security do you need from this man in this relationship? Why? Quitting is one option. What is the upside and what is the downside?

I want him to see my reasons of disappointment and to put forth action to settle our differences. I can't pinpoint why I need the security from him, even though he says hes in it no matter what. I am tired of thinking quitting is an option just b/c of small things. But the small things get to be bothersome and cause problems. Ugh..I sound crazy. The upside is we can work on it and continue to learn to deal with the ups and downs and for me to learn to relax and sweat the small stuff. The downside, well I move on with my life...alone.

Remember men think differently to women

It is never the big things that break up a relationship, rather, it is the little things. You seem to be victimized by verbal/emotional abuse. Solitude is not loneliness.

Even though hes "joking", can that still be a form of verbal abuse?

I agree solitude is not loneliness.

"Joking" is often a passive/aggressive behavior used to cover a self-perceived inadequacy. As such, a control issue.

so how do you feel I should handle him?

For awhile, at a distance.

Great advice. Thank you!

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I think u should give it a try atleast one more time and try so talk to him again. But try a different approach. Have you ever ask him what are his goals, where does he see himself next 5 yrs. With the second question according to how he answers u will know if that ring coming anytime soon. U can also ask him where does he see u in his life.
U have to know how to ask question that will give u answers.
Have u ever read think like a lady think like a man by steve harvey if u haven't u should buy that book

The book is think like a lady act like a man

Ok I see what you mean. Actually, was looking at that book yesterday online. Ok, I will purchase that book if you think it will help me.

Yes it will change your perspective on some things

Thanks.

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