Time To Wake Up..

I'm not sure what's happened to me. Somewhere along the line, I lost my footing..and have been stumbling, aimlessly, my way through life the last few years. I stopped dreaming. I settled. If I think about it, I think this is the core of my present day unhappiness. Now, I am overwhelmed with everything I have let go of, yet want back so desperately bad. I don't even know where to start anymore. I have to un-do the person I've become, and I'm not even sure where to start.

I have to quit smoking. For good this time. No more saying "**** it" when I've had an overly stressy day. I need to get into some sort of better shape. I no longer want to be ashamed of myself..and I want to buy clothes I actually like, versus clothes that are in my size. Ya know, I used to be beautiful at one time..I never saw it then. I could look at a photo of me, and tear it apart flaw by flaw..but I see it now, and I long to go back to a time that I was no longer ashamed of being me. For giving in..and giving up. Back to a person that still had dreams and had the courage to think I could still achieve them.

I am a creative. I know I could take amazing photographs, if I buckled down and kept at it. I find art in everyday things. People have told me over the years that I am a decent writer, that I can express myself very well..but the stories seem to escape me now. The poetry disappeared years ago. I yearn to better myself through education, but at the moment my finances are in a shambles, with very little hope, at present, to better itself. I have an ability to teach myself things, but unfortunately, being self taught doesn't impress potential employers.

I have always thrived when I have had someone with me, to help motivate me. I don't really have that so much anymore. I am surrounded by others who are either unable or unwilling to assist or encourage any of my ideas. I know I shouldn't be like that, but I just do so much better, when I have someone to share things with. I used to have more of an independent spirit. That seems to be a ghost of my past, of late. Every direction of my life that I turn..is a shambles.

I'm so sad and alone. Ironically, I'm alone in that as well. No one knows that I feel this way, because it has become apparent to me, that if I display that emotion, I will be labeled selfish, or it will influence others to remind me how much worse they have it, than I do. Your feelings mean nothing to those people, it's a competition as to who has it worse..and you will always lose, so you have no real reason to feel the way you do. So, it becomes easier to manufacture a smile through everything. 

I'm on a perpetual carousel...spinning through life..unable to stop..and at the moment, lacking the courage to jump.
MissBehaviour MissBehaviour
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 12, 2012

That was amazing, you are an excellent writer. An honestly I feel like you just described me.

aww thank you very much. I'm sorry if you are in the rut that I currently am. It's all a bit overwhelming isn't it? I just never know where to pick up the pieces and fix first. Kinda like humpty dumpty :) I do hope you find peace and happiness soon. hugs!

Thank you, you as well.
And agreed with Gray, try to just bring one or two items of change....
I don't know why but a creature of habit and other things when I do decide to change I seem to change EVERYTHING all at once.
Start with things that make you smile:) I got my laptop fixed haha which legitimately took 2 years to actually find the motivation to do it. I was spending so much freakin time at the library to get projects done that I finally investigated and got my brother to help me, lol once I got to it it was fixed within 4 days and for only $80...Now I can use it to start other things, I too do photography, although I prefer editing right now. So Ive rejoined some sites for that, and well I've got EP now :)...Although prime example of lack of motivation I neglected to register for second semester of school which starts in a week...

I'm trying, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

I do still have dreams and aspirations, but I too have motivation problems. For me, it's that the trials and tribulations of life have an impact on my self esteem, and I end up not taking the steps I need to take, instead retreating into myself. Then I give myself a hard time about it, and so it goes on. <br />
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Like yourself, I have certain patterns of behaviour to undo. The fact that you've recognised it is the first step, the fact you want to take the leap is the next, er leap (!) and by sharing with others you will have the support of others :-)

I am much the same, Mizz. Maybe that is part of my desire to have someone do things with me, because I lack the confidence required now to do them alone. It's a vicious circle.. I hope you find the key to make the changes you want to in your life &lt;3

Thank you :-) It is, indeed, a vicious circle, and it's frustrating. I do have people who believe in me, but I still let those doubts creep in. I know the roots, but recognising them and overcoming the resultant self-doubt is quite another. I hope you too find the key, I'm sure you will :-) x