Time To Wake Up..I'm not sure what's happened to me. Somewhere along the line, I lost my footing..and have been stumbling, aimlessly, my way through life the last few years. I stopped dreaming. I settled. If I think about it, I think this is the core of my present day unhappiness. Now, I am overwhelmed with everything I have let go of, yet want back so desperately bad. I don't even know where to start anymore. I have to un-do the person I've become, and I'm not even sure where to start.
I have to quit smoking. For good this time. No more saying "**** it" when I've had an overly stressy day. I need to get into some sort of better shape. I no longer want to be ashamed of myself..and I want to buy clothes I actually like, versus clothes that are in my size. Ya know, I used to be beautiful at one time..I never saw it then. I could look at a photo of me, and tear it apart flaw by flaw..but I see it now, and I long to go back to a time that I was no longer ashamed of being me. For giving in..and giving up. Back to a person that still had dreams and had the courage to think I could still achieve them.
I am a creative. I know I could take amazing photographs, if I buckled down and kept at it. I find art in everyday things. People have told me over the years that I am a decent writer, that I can express myself very well..but the stories seem to escape me now. The poetry disappeared years ago. I yearn to better myself through education, but at the moment my finances are in a shambles, with very little hope, at present, to better itself. I have an ability to teach myself things, but unfortunately, being self taught doesn't impress potential employers.
I have always thrived when I have had someone with me, to help motivate me. I don't really have that so much anymore. I am surrounded by others who are either unable or unwilling to assist or encourage any of my ideas. I know I shouldn't be like that, but I just do so much better, when I have someone to share things with. I used to have more of an independent spirit. That seems to be a ghost of my past, of late. Every direction of my life that I turn..is a shambles.
I'm so sad and alone. Ironically, I'm alone in that as well. No one knows that I feel this way, because it has become apparent to me, that if I display that emotion, I will be labeled selfish, or it will influence others to remind me how much worse they have it, than I do. Your feelings mean nothing to those people, it's a competition as to who has it worse..and you will always lose, so you have no real reason to feel the way you do. So, it becomes easier to manufacture a smile through everything.
I'm on a perpetual carousel...spinning through life..unable to stop..and at the moment, lacking the courage to jump.