Lost In Life

I was the number 5 son of 6 sons in my family. I grew up in a fairly happy home. I always knew there was something different about me. My first gay experience was at the age of 6. It was a happy exploration with one of my school friends. I was not forced into anything, I was drawn to the idea like a moth to flame.

I found I really liked boys and had lots of experiences by the time I graduated from high school. All of them were in secret, and with each different person, both of us have shared these experiences in secret all these years. Almost without exception other than me, those school friends went on to be married with children and lead "normal" lives. I have tried to keep in touch with most of them, but they are no longer interested. As far as my family and friends are concerned, I am basically still in the closet.

In my teen years, and up to the early 20s, there were a few partners who were seduced but never forced, and unfortunately, some were underage. I still have guilty feelings about that. I never physically hurt anyone, but in my later years, I have come to understand there may have been lingering psychological problems. I can only say I'm sorry, but I can't change a thing about it.

There is a lot of argument about being born gay, or turning gay due to environment. I have shared a general viewpoint that I always thought most gays were born with the inclination, but when speaking with family or friends, I have never felt I could state that the reason I believe that is because I am certain that is the case for me. I have never in my life felt the slightest attraction to females. Even when I tried to "be normal" and date females, the only way I could ever get excited was to fantasize about some of my former male companions. I could be in a room with 100 nude models, and the only ones I would even notice would be the males in the crowd. If there were only females there, I would have no interest at all.

I have "forced" myself to have 4 separate "normal" relationships with women over the years, but I am not happy until we part company. I cry at weddings ... not because I am happy for the couples, but because I know it will never happen for me.

I have lived most of my life trying to be of service to family, friends and strangers alike to make up for my miserable past, but I still live in terror that someone might someday bring it all out in the open. I read so many times about someone who was discovered to have made some similar mistake in their distant past, and even though they have since become a beacon to society, there are still loud and angry cries that all the good that has been done since is of no consequence. The filthy rat should be hung out to dry. I was basically a stupid kid at the time. I've grown up. But according to society, that does not matter. If I only robbed, murdered or just kidnapped someone I would not be such a bad guy. All I did was love someone of the same gender and that puts me several rungs below all of those categories.

Being openly gay is not an option for me. Suicide is not an option for me. I was brought up in a Christian home and still have strong Christian beliefs and values. The Scriptures expressly state that the act is an abomination unto the Lord. Although I have asked for forgiveness and have accepted salvation through Christ, the desire has not changed. I am miserable because I can't have what I want, and what I can have is of no interest whatsoever. I cannot believe anyone would "choose" to become gay. It is a horrendous weight. I cannot change it. I certainly did not choose it. I can't explain it or understand it myself. In trying to keep faithful, it has been many years since I have had any relation with anyone. I live alone, and am miserable.

I have worked many different jobs over the years, and have tried my hand at starting different businesses of my own. My sex fantasies often interfere with logical thought, I find myself wasting many valuable hours and I never seem to get very far before having to start over with something new. I tried many times, but still I have nothing, and no one to live for.

I am faced with becoming a lonely old senior citizen with no chance at a partner in life. My number one fantasy is "if I only had one wish" and you and I both know what that wish would be. It has always been that same wish for my entire life.
remainanonymous remainanonymous
2 Responses Aug 7, 2010

same as me .. I can completely related to you .. and why is it so difficult to do what you truly want .. I also want to change myself into someone else .. or a feasible wish .. I just need timeout from life .. a year or two for just me with no deadlines .. no commitments .. no nothing .. probably then i'll be able to figure out what in life would give me true happiness .. :)<br />
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you take care of yourself .. I can't give you any advice .. coz none really work ... it would have been nice if you would have something else you wanted in life other than the only wish :)

Hello, now you say you have nothing and no one then why do you still live where you are? Why are you not living in a city with a GAY community so you can find a partner to be with. I do not know where you live not what kind of work you are trained in but you can take that with you and go to where <br />
you can be happy with someone. <br />
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