"There Are Times When...."

        I feel like I wish I was never born. I have felt this way even during my childhood (which is understandable) and that was when I felt that way often, and to a point that was somewhat extreme. I have always thought that my "mother" should have been fixed, never have been allowed to bear children. She isn't mentally stable, never really has been, the way I see it.  She used to tell me about an incident when I was only a few days old. She had a very bad migraine, and laid down on he bed with me, so she could get rid of the headache. When she woke up, I was laying  in the corner on the floor screaming..Now, I was only a few days old, for me to have gotten there, she would have had to throw me while in her  drugged state. maybe she couldn't stand to hear me cry. But if I were hungry or needed my diaper changed, that was my job, to alert my mother, right ?? She doesn't remember even getting up, not until she awoke to find me on the floor in that corner. Not much of a mother even then, and as I got older, she did not get any better. She became much worse. She used to brag that I would take my newborn baby brother out of the crib, by standing on the bed and reaching in, and lifting him out and carefully stepping down , then I would lay him down and change his diapers and clothes. I was three years old. How could she have caught me doing this for a couple of months. she stated that she thought she was "losing her mind" because when she went in to feed him, he would be wearing some different outfit than what she had put on him before. Could she really have been that slow, that dense ?? i also raised my baby sister, who is fifteen years younger than me, until she was fourteen and begin dating, had she stayed with me, that would not have happened at the age of fourteen.
    There were so many times that I have said, "I wish I would never have been born". It didn't change the fact that I was born, and it didn't change who I was born to, I didn't get to pick my parents. There are still times when the pain is at it's worst, and things are not going right, when that same thought runs through my mind. I start thinking about my kids, because if I hadn't been born, neither would they. That id=s a sad thought, they are a joy, and at times a pain in the ***, but they can be wonderful people when they choose to do so...It just depends on their mood. It;s hard being in the shape I am in, and still having to put up with the drama from the oldest (he's a bigger drama queen than a girl)..The youngest helps out for the most part, but he just isn't interested in getting a job, and I have a serious problem with that, he's going to be 22 soon....
TwilightDream TwilightDream
36-40, F
2 Responses Jan 2, 2012

If you get quiet and listen there is a voice coming from the deep consciousness of yourself that will tell you all you need to know. For those of us girls who came from a time when it was acceptable behavior to pass off grown up responsibilities onto little children, we all deserve a do-over. To let the simmering anger generated by thoughtless uncaring people cast a shadow over the rest of our lives is a supreme waste of time. I never knew that if I stopped running from my demons and facing them head on, they go away. I still want a Mom but I have made peace with the fact that it is not in my best interest to have that contact. My journey began with a book called 'The Four Agreements." by Miguel Ruiz. Three years later, I cannot believe the difference in how I percieve the world, and how much of the noise in my head was just an echo of the past and could not hurt me if I did not let it. No matter what happens the past is the past and cannot be changed no matter how many times you try to rewrite it in your head, it remains the same. To find that holding on to old hurts and resentments was only poisoning me and hurting no one else was a big stepping stone. <br />
If you try to think of every experience that you have had as a learning tool instead of a punishment, it frees you up to accept that you do have worth and you are a gift from God. What these Narcissist's dont get is what goes around comes around but that is not our call and it will be taken care of by a power much greater than ourselves.

Kim, <br />
I'm so sorry you have endured so much. I'm beginning to think we are sisters separated at birth. My mother was not mentally well either. I was doing the housework when I was eight, learning how to cook, mow the yard and looking after my 6 year old sister because often my mother 'checked out'... complaining that too much was expected of her, that no one cared for her, that all she did was sacrifice for us. <br />
I didn't have to wish I'd never been born, she did that often enough for me. <br />
There was a time when I was living with chronic severe migraines, major depression and the symptoms of ptsd when I seriously thought about suicide. I was so convinced that I was nothing but a burden to everyone, I had heard that all my life, no matter what I did to be helpful, it was never enough. <br />
I think there comes a time for all of us, granted at different stages in our lives, when we realize we are living for ourselves, not other people and it doesn't matter whether other people appreciate us or not. <br />
There are definitely mothers out there who should never have had children, but luckily, we learned from their mistakes and we're breaking the cycle. Sending you ((Hugs)) and appreciation for the person you are today. I'm glad to have become 'friends' with you. :)

Thank you so much. I am sorry you went through the very same experiences that I have, but thank you for letting me know that I am not alone, and there are more of us out there. I was taking care of my younger brother from the time I can remember, and I was doing the cooking and the housework by eight, maybe nine...I began taking care of my little sister when I was fifteen. That was difficult to do with the language they had taught her, they thought it was cute, until she started school. I refused to take any part in that, I didn't teach her to curse, so I always made her go to the school, I had babies by that time, I was seventeen when I had my son. I then was caring for a newborn and a two year old. i was married with two when she started school, and I raised her until she was 14, she wanted to "date", and I had said no. She decided she wanted to go live with her mom, and now she's an ex-******** druggie, who had a beautiful baby girl, she lost custody to the child's father. which is where I feel she is better off, since his parents are capable of raising her. I have only seen a picture of my niece, she is a beautiful four year old now. My sister never had to lift a finger and do a dish at her mothers home, but I did make her learn to cook and since my boys had chores, so did she, my boys are excellent cooks now though....Thanks for commenting, I always appreciate that.. =)