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Why Does My Life Have To Be So Twisted?

I don’t know why I have to constantly feel miserable, depressed, gloomy, pessimistic, confused—just all kinds of sad feelings. Is it because I’m a horrible person? No, I’m kind, clever, mature, diligent, gentle, down to earth, hard--working and loving reading. Is it because I’m an orphan? No, I’ve never been starved, tortured mentally, and I even got the chance to receive college education—there are many people who are worse off than me—they even exist around me. Is it because I’ve got a terrible family to live with? No, of course they are not perfect people, they are uneducated, cold—hearted, stupid, stubborn; but they are very good to me—at least they raise me up, really hard—working; plus if you find them not tolerable to be with for long, you can leave.
I just denied all the above factors to be the trigger of my negative moods, but usually it is one of them made me brood and feel blue. When I write these things down, none of them seems a big deal, but why still do they always break me down? Maybe its because I have lived with my grandparents in this isolated little village for about two months—its lonely, unproductive, boring and my grandma’s constant suggestion that I should go just makes the situation worse. I think I’ve found the root of my problems, so I’ll find myself a job and solve this problem soon.
Actually many times I feel miserable were all caused by myself—just the pattern of my thoughts were doing the tricks, so just a change of mind can turn things around. And I also think most miseries in the world are caused by our negative ways of thinking: self—pity can never do you any good—but so many people are just not smart enough to think things optimistically. Actually in many instances, people feel better about their life just because of a change in their inner sides while their situations are unchanged at all. But seriously how many people can have that kind of wit and luck to reach this kind of spirituous balance.
Deep in my heart, I think I feel unhappy most of life, though I’m a person so easy to be satisfied. I’m very sensitive—not knowing I was born to be so or it is related to the fact that I’m an orphan—but this character of mine surely causes most of my miserable feelings—many things simply wont impact me so badly if I was a jelly bean. Because I was sensitive even as a child, I was hurt by so many things even when I was very young. I saw my family members broke their promises, said evil words just to hurt each other, hit me out of no reasons, been looked down by our neighbors for our poverty and got deep into gambling and smoking. I just don’t understand why these kind of things keep on happening to us? They just want our family’s situation get worse? Why some adults just wont take responsibility of their life and their old folks are willing to wipe their ***** when situation gets tough again and again? All these things are disturbing, and the more I see them the more I feel sick of them.
I was sad, I was scared seeing these things as a child, but no adult had the time to think of how these things would act upon me. I was left alone to dream: I would make big money to improve my family’s living condition, buy lots of things for my grandparents to let them feel proud around our neighbors so that I can see them smile , when I grow up. I even created those vivid scenes in my imagination—my family members were happy and proud in those scenes. I was so happy when I created these dreams and sometimes I even dwelt in my illusions. Now when I look back, I just find its such a sad thing I had to carry such a heavy dream as a child when other kids were only dreaming about cartoons. When I really grew up, I didn’t make big money—this isn’t about me being a nice person or what, but I don’t have the ability to make big money. So I used to feel very guilty to see my grandparents still always look miserable, still do the coils like crazy. I thought if I could give them money, they could have lived better. So I saved almost all my money to buy them things which I thought they would like; but sometimes they were indifferent to what I bought them, sometimes they even disliked, so now I still buy them things whenever I go to the town, though I don’t feel excited to do so any more. As for they always work like crazy, though the production is limited, this is just the way of life they choose, I can do few things to change. I think its unnecessary to work so hard at such an old age of theirs, but they don’t think so: they cant let any useful inch of our land go wasted; they wouldn’t let any weed growing in our grains; they would like to spend most of their time in the field; they don’t like to interact with other people. But I wish they could take their life easy, spend some time to socialize with our neighbors instead of treating everybody else like they are their enemies. But they would never do so, I guess we just have different kind of living philosophy—I wouldn’t let them change mine, and I couldn’t change theirs. Like my aunt said once, “ its like we are living in a different world.’’ Maybe its like our hearts are far apart no matter how close we are physically now.
But their miserable faces always make me suffer: I’m always thinking they would better off if they didn’t have to raise me up. They let me receive education all these years, hoping me to fulfill their expectations and go the path the like, but I only want to live the way I want. Then I feel guilty to fail them, but I am a person who has done lots of thinking in my life, and I can only do things according to my way.
A happy life in my imagination
I’m always dreaming that someday I will be happy, but I never dare to think of how a specific happy day is like; subconsciously I just feel its unrealistic for me to be happy, so its my pessimistic way of thinking does the trick again. I simply like to brood about my past—things in the past always look wonderful from my present perspective of view, no matter how suffering at that time for me. I constantly wish to relive my past since my present is intolerable, my future is obscured. But if you were not living your present, then you don’t have a past and you have no new material to refresh your memory, then basically you are dead—this is dillemon for me. It just so frequently happens to me that I got lost in a present moment, and then wished to turn the time back and relived that moment in a better way in a future time. Yes, I’m always regretting, I’m always unsatisfied of my present life; I complain life is unfair to me for it always makes me suffer though I’m always working hard. But hardly do I realize that I always make choices by myself and sometimes it takes a long time to find that I’m wrong, then the dream land I created crumbled right before me and the concrete cold reality is put before me, I just cant take it. Because my life isn’t what I used to think of, my career vision isn’t as bright or broad as I thought, so I just choose to avoid thinking of this mess and wait in vain, believe it or not, this is the root of my failures. Its totally normal for you to feel yourself like a loser when you just sit around doing nothing all day.
I’m certain that I like meditating, analyzing things in mind. This character is just part of me, I could never get rid of it. Sometimes I’m too tired to think that I wish my brain can be dead and go to sleep, but still my mind is thinking and thinking; I sincerely wish to be a thoughtless girl when too many things rambling in my mind and I just couldn’t sleep, even that means I’m shallow but at least then I wouldn’t suffer from insomnia. But its just impossible to change this part of me, so I decided to accept myself as who I am; at least its not a bad habit to brood, I console myself. Instead I decide to write down my thoughts since my brain is accustomed to think and think, so I can be a writer, I think. Though now I haven’t found a way to publish my writing, but I’ll grab that chance whenever I spot it, and for now the most important thing for me is keep on writing—this is the first step. I got to admit that I never have the persistence to keep on writing and this is the reason why I am still not a writer.
Its not like I’m too lazy to persist in something, its just I’m a casual person. I’m casual in everyway: I don’t care what I eat as long as its healthy; I don’t care what I wear as long as its comfortable; I don’t care how other will think of me as long as they don’t get in my way; when I want to read, I read, when I want to watch TV, I watch TV, when I want to eat, I eat…I just wont let myself be confined. I’m free, and always in charge of my life. This kind of character is good to me in some ways, like I wouldn’t be troubled by those judgmental people, like my life would never be tiring for fulfilling my high expectations, like my thoughts are always free and independent. But also because I wont let myself follow a rigid principle, I don’t have any priority when doing things. I always do things completely following my heart, but scarcely listen to my sense which is cultivated by many years of educations, and the fact proves this way wont do for me. I guess I just want to tell myself: you needn’t to change who you are, because every thing about you is not bad; what you need to do is always remember to keep your balance, just don’t go the extreme way. You know sometimes you fail, its not because you are not good enough; its just you couldn’t focus on doing something, wont change one point of you though the other aspects of you are excellent.
I’ve always thought I want a complete and warm family, I think I’d be completely satisfied if I have such a nice family. I always have a vision of a perfect family: its just like the family in the TV play the pain of growth. A perfect should be just like that: everyone loves each other, yet everyone has their own life in a family. The adults –the parents should have their own career, but not to devote their whole time to their children, so they get a purpose to get up for themselves every day. There are more than one child in this family, so everyone wont get lonely. A child should just act like a child: he or she should be innocent, naughty, curious, lazy. Anyway, the children should live in their own world instead of being thrown with the pressure an adult should have shouldered. If I was a wife, I hope I have an understanding, gentle, smart, funny and most of all kind husband who knows what his responsibility in a family is.
But the things isn’t always what they look: the family members in that TV play isn’t what they show in the television. Because I like and admire that family so much, so I googled them; and it turned out that perfectly happy couple are both divorced parent in reality, so I’m shocked that a person who appears such a smart and sensible spouse and parent in TV could fail in their real marriage. Then again I don’t know them in person, maybe they are just happy to be single and enjoy the achievement their careers bring them. so maybe its time for me to stop watching other people’s life and envying them, and start to live my own life. You only know how its like after experiencing it in person and then you can decide if you like it or not.
As for a perfect life its changing, sometimes in a slow pace and sometimes swiftly which all depend on the state of your mind. Day after day, you are gaining more social experiences, then you know more about this world, people around you and even yourself. Everything is changing, sometimes its within your expectation and under your control, sometimes they are not. Today you are crazy about something, someday in the future you can treat that same thing like a waste. I remember how I was crazy about one romantic TV play when I was a teenager, I thought I would buy the whole VCD of that play when I had money and had my own place to live so that I could watch those episodes whenever I want and for as long as I want all alone. Even the thought of this made me thrill. But recently some TV channels are broadcasting this TV play all morning for all summer and I have plenty of time to watch them, anyway I just don’t have the mood to watch it for just a moment now—I’m just not interested in it any more. Its just this society changed, I grew older and I changed—I’m not that innocent teenage girl any more. I think its only time drive and witness all these changes, its scaring yet you can do nothing to stop it. So I am a bit scared, insecure because I don’t know what I’d be like in the future. Sometimes I think why should I be so nervous to correct my behaviors and strive to form good habits since everything about that future me is unpredictable? What if all the efforts I’m making now is meaningless and even wrong in the end? Just like a peasant put all his energy into working to build a house, finally that house is completed, then bang, an earthquake occurs, everything including his life is buried in the earth all of a sudden. Yes, I’m uncertain about so many things, tragedy could happen to anyone everyday, and its happening everyday. And this is the reason I don’t want to try too hard to do anything subconsciously.
They say you could still fail even if you tried, but its for sure you wouldn’t succeed if you didn’t even try. No, this phrase never means much to me and I don’t know why. Maybe its because I’ve heard too many times of this, and my heart is just numb to it. They also say its human’s nature to take for granted of something familiar, they just need something new to stimulate their nerves and arouse their interests. I can feel this, so I remind myself not to indulge into something for long often.
Its true our lives are filled with uncertain factors just like you are one step closer to your grave every day. But how can you survive if you are brooding these things everyday? As far as I’m concerned, everything you think or do too many times regularly it’ll become one of your habits, become part of you. And to some degrees we are living by our habits.




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chenxiuyun chenxiuyun 26-30, F Nov 8, 2012

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