The Day I Tried To Live......

I am a 35y.o. single male that wishes he were never, ever born. I am not suicidal, but still wish I could just vanish from this Earth. I have NEVER been in a serious relationship....which honestly doesn't bother me (not anymore). I have absolutely NO friends....and this honestly does not bother me, as I don't want any. What bothers me is my continued daily existence on this planet. I dropped out of high school and have gone from job to job and have done NOTHING with my life. Just a complete loser and waste of space. I must be a huge embarrassment to my family and wish that wasn't the case. But, more than anything, I can not understand for the life of me, just WHY the **** am I here? I knew as far back as when I was 12 or 13 that something was not right with me. I knew then that I did not want to live and to go on. This was not some kind of dramatic teen depression, but a calm, completely coherent belief. I've often thought how great it would have been if I had died as a child or as a baby or whatever. I think about how much better off my family would've been without much happier they would have been. As I write this, I am unemployed (again) and have no idea how I will continue to keep a roof over my head. For me, it's more about the struggle of everyday life. It just keeps going and doesn't get any better. Just on, and on....constant. It's not even important to me in the slightest. It seems that I continue year after year by just trying to keep myself occupied....but, it truly means nothing. So, with all that said, I am just not able to understand to this day, why I was created by our creator (whomever the **** that is??) The only closure for me in this life, is death. And, I know it will come one day....but, what was all this for? A test? A lesson? Whatever the reason, I could care less. I always have this idea in my head, that if I could just push a button, which would eliminate any trace of my presence...all the way back to my conception....I would GLADLY PUSH THAT BUTTON!

Anyways, I've never expressed these feelings to anyone before. But, for whatever reason, I wanted to just put it out there in words....not that it makes a ******* difference anyway.
EndlessDownwardSpiral EndlessDownwardSpiral
31-35, M
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

i feel the same... u just described my life...i am 22 years old now and i have no friends... no job... still living with my dad.... i am a huge embarrassment to my family too but they never let it show..i dont know why am i here... i dont wanna commit suicide but i wish i were dead... nothing makes me happy... and i have been like this since i was a child... i thought i am the only one who felt like this....