Good Until 3

I am like many of you, not suicidal but deeply regretful of my conception. I think I had about 3 good years on this earth and, coincidentally, those 3 years were from birth until age 3, the ages where you can't remember anything. When I was almost 4 years old, my eyes began to cross. My first memory is being in the hospital getting prepped for surgery to try to straighten them out. The next memory I have after that was waking up and vomiting on my pillow from too much anesthesia. What sticks out the most in that memory was asking the nurse for a new pillow and her coming over to simply turn it over, vomit still in tow. From that moment, it was over; the joy, the innocence, the optimism in people.

Growing up was hard. I was bullied severely from about 8-18 years old. I've never gotten over it because I've never had anything in my life, ie; success or reassurance that would prove to me that I should be over it. And, I wasn't just bullied by other kids but by parents, teachers and coaches (of course the coaches were parent's of the kids who bullied me), as well. The only people I found solace in through all of the rejection was my family. They were always so loving and kind. But, because I was bullied by what seemed to me like the whole world, I have always isolated myself. I am 29 years old and and I still don't give myself the opportunity to get out there and make friends because it's too hard for me mentally. I have a bad physical reaction when I think about "socializing." I dislike people, deeply. I've created the illusion in my mind from past experiences that everyone is out to get me and that there must be something wrong with me. This behavior stands in the way of every opportunity that's ever come my way.

I've been on a mission, however, to try to prove to the people who bullied me that they were dead wrong. I've been out to prove I'm not stupid, not unlikable, not untalented. So, like any lost soul desperately searching for their place in the world, I ended up in Hollywood, probably the worst place for my psyche. Along with all of the other lost souls, I am trying to get/be noticed so I can finally be OK with myself. But, the difference between myself and the other delusional people in Los Angeles is self esteem. Although they probably shouldn't, the other people here at least believe in themselves and have a blind confidence. But, I on the other hand, am much too self aware and aware of the world around me to know that I have what it takes to make a name for myself. While I've been in LA, I've tried acting, comedy, commentary, hosting and a whole slew of other things I'm pretty mediocre at. Years have gone by and the only thing I'm closer to is the edge.

But, I'm stubborn, I can't/won't give up. So, I'd rather be here torchering myself with unanswered emails, unreturned phone calls and empty follow ups than go back to where I came from, proving to everyone that they were right.

I'm a torchered soul with no hope. The universe is screaming to me, "Be average! Your family, your ability, your mind, is average. STOP trying to be more than that because you're not."

What bothers me is that I put on a great show. No one who knows me (besides my beyond-sick-of-me boyfriend) has any idea how mentally damaged I really am. Someone I've known for quite some time told me recently that she wanted to stop seeing the guy she was dating because he was depressed and it "grossed her out." In that moment, I expressed my never-ending struggle with depression and she had no idea. None. She was like, "How could YOU be depressed?"

I've never been really good at anything or ballsy enough to overcompensate my lack of talent. And, I often think about suicide but I know that I am simply not strong enough or nervy enough to actually go ahead with it. Instead, I'm a coward who sits alone all day, dreaming of all things I could have been over and over and over and over. It's a pathetic way to live but I this is now all I know. I've tried to change but I am who I am. An average nobody, nothing. And, it sucks.
JackofNothing JackofNothing
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 5, 2013

I am sorry I know how you feel.just try to be the best talent you can be.

I understand you very well. The light in went went off when I was 11. Unlike you though I didn't have a good family. I have only mother and she cares only about herself. I never felt loved. She was almost as bad to me as the rest of the world. I am not a good actress though and people know that I am wierd. I know that I am mediocre and I don't feel great about it either, but then again I know some very smart, intelligent and talented people who didn't achieve much either. My main issue is my depression. I have socia phobia. I don't even miss dealing with people that much, but I seldom feel all right. I constantly recollect some unpleasant events that happened 2 years ago, 5 years ago or 25 years ago. When I deal with people I also often feel like a victim, but then again I don't have a great luck either. It is not just my imagination that people feel weakness in others and some of them do attack to feel better about themselves or any other reason.

Mmaxa: How do you function when you have to go out?

I feel all right. I do feel anxious when I have to deal with a group of people, especially local women as they are way too demanding and judgmental. For example I went to a local university where I was the only one who was studying and the old ***** kept annoying me with one and the same question all over and over again: "Why don't you smile", "why don't you smile", "why don't you smile?" I am annoyed when local woman intrude their culture on me. i am not local.

I get it.

Thank you, those simple words are comforting.