Why Am I Alive?

When it boils down to it, there really is no point to my existence. As a daughter I have brought nothing but sadness and disappointment to my family. I don't fit in with their ideals. As a human being, I am a waste of space and air. My life is worthless; I am worthless. My job is in jeopardy because I am slow and stupid and can't do anything right. Seems that my Mom was right to ask me if I was partially retarded because apparently I am. She often liked to point out that I was overweight (I still am) but I don't know why she didn't constantly remind me that I was ugly too. Some days I can't bring myself to look in the mirror and some days I can't help but look; like a bystander caught in the grip morbid curiosity at a horrible car accident.

I am a monster, an ogre, a hideous fat troll with no redeeming qualities at all. All the pain and anguish I am feeling now is exactly what a human reject like me deserves.

I am waiting for the day I breathe my last breath.
Starbuck75 Starbuck75
3 Responses Jan 20, 2013

You are beautiful. You are beautiful, and you are smart, and you are loved. You were made to be exactly who you are, who you've been, and who you will be. Nothing is wrong with the way you look, or feel about yourself. Don't listen to your mom. Words from a broken soul aren't worthy of your mind. You have eyes. You have ears. You have a nose, you have a mouth. You have moving arms and legs and a smile that I am sure is more beautiful than anything else. You were created specifically with a plan in mind for the progression of your life and exactly how you would look. Every little freckle, every hair on your head, every thought from your mind matters, and is accounted for. i don't know if you're religious or not, but regardless, I really hope this helps you. You deserve more than what your family or you thinks.

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Eclesiastes 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Psalm 139:13-16 - For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Matthew 6:25-34 - Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

The Bible, whether you are religios or not, is filled with more fulfilling verses like these, if you ever need or want to read more. God sent his one and, and only son, to be hung on a cross. To be laughed at, to be mocked, to be betrayed. A crown of thorns was placed in his own head, and a set of nails and his palms and feet, for you. Jesus Christ died for you. He died to take away the sins of the world, to take away mine, to take away your mom's, to take away yours'. He loved you so much that he gave up his life on earth for you to be able to be given grace, time and time again when you sin. When you forget your worth. When you call yourself a "monster" or a "troll". When you do not thing you're beautiful, inside and out, body, mind, and soul. Even if it were just you on this earth, he still would have died, because he loves you so much. He gave up his life so you can have an eternal one with him in Heaven.

You are engraved into his palms and engraved in his heart, and He can be engraved in yours' as well. Accept Him into your heart, ask for forgiveness, and He is yours'. And even if you choose not to, even if you think this whole thing is ridiculous, He is still watching over you, loving you, knowing the plan for you.

To end your life is a choice that only you have the right to make. Nobody but you can feel the pain you feel or the burdens you experiences. Many would argue against, but sucide can be an option, so can fighting, these are both options. I suggest using your local resources, your school provides counselors and on site psychologists to help you map your problems, organize your resources and developed a plan to take on problem after problem. Once you make that first step, the feeling of accomplishment fuels you to pursue problem after problem one at a time.

starbuck,stop feeling sorry for yourself and start a program of weight loss..........do something for your self......................strom