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I Wish I Was Never Born

And not only do I wish I were never born, I'm angry about being born. I had no say in the matter. If I had been given the choice, I'd absolutely choose to have never been born. What a miserable, hopeless mess this life is.

My purpose in posting this is not to seek advice or sympathy, but rather just to see if there is anyone else out there who feels this way.

I've tried everything within my power to appreciate what little pleasure and enjoyment I can find in life, but the bad so far outweighs the good, it's impossible. I try to feel gratitude, I'm perfectly aware that there are many people who have it far worse than I do, and that I should count my blessings. But that doesn't make me any less miserable. I've felt this way for literally my entire life, but these feelings become stronger the older I get.

I've tried therapy, medication, exercise - nothing helps. Exercise has made me more attractive, and I am in good physical health, but this is little comfort. I am fully aware of how ignorant and selfish I am.

I feel like my life is basically pointless. I have interests I pursue; working out, music, reading - none of them provide much in the way of lasting fulfillment. I am not a religious or spiritual person, I am turned off by the self-righteousness of religion. I have absolutely no desire to marry or have a family. I have a small handful of close friends who are wonderful, but none understand me. I rapidly lose interest in romantic relationships as quickly as I begin them. I have never been in love and doubt it exists.  I despised school, and the thought of furthering my education literally makes me sick. I carefully selected what I believed would be a somewhat fulfilling career path, only to grow to hate my job as well.

I would never attempt suicide, not due to any moral objections or considerations for anyone else, but because I am certain that if I were to attempt it, I would somehow fail and leave myself even worse off than I was to begin with (confined to a wheelchair, comatose, disfigured, Terri Schiavo, etc.).

So I ask, does anyone else out there feel this way?

Philliebuster Philliebuster 26-30, M 117 Responses Dec 14, 2008

Your Response


I have almost exactly the same feeling! I usually feel guilty after such thoughts since I know lots of people who have it worse than I do, but I absolutely don't want the life I have now. I usually find myself imagining my dream life and yet it's just another reminder how close to impossible it is to achieve it.
I also though of suicide lots of times before but I guess I'm too much of a coward to inflict some pain on myself and I can't really ask someone to help me with it.

This is life without Jesus. You are being prayed for

YES!!!!!! I could have written this word for word. I would give anything to never have been born and sentenced to this long suffering pain called life. I long for this to end. I believe this is possibly "the real " hell that all the religions fear so much. I long to escape.

Wow. I came across the page because I typed in I Wish I Was Never Born in a search because I've been thinking how I want to write a book addressed to the people who are bold enough to think they have the right to make another person be born. I was born to an emotionally unstable unwed teenager who I realize as a grown up was a total narcissist who had no right to decide that she was capable of bringing another human into this world. Strangely despite her abuse, in this life I have been lucky to meet amazing nice people who encouraged me and gave me opportunities to see that I was worthwhile but as soon as a situation arises where there are no positive people my thoughts instantly go to suicide and I realize it's really just the replaying of all the mean cruel insults that I carry around from childhood and my desire to be dead rather than ever see my mother again. Life is definitely trying to keep me here on earth though. Because just when I get really low and ready to give up there is always an unexpected nice human that reinforces my purpose. My goal for a book would be to drill into people's heads the true responsibility of creating another human and the fact that abuse and negative words leave an impact that lasts a lifetime. I was moved to tears reading all your stories and I was blown away that others are thinking the same way. And to be honest it is usually the most caring and thoughtful people who are the ones over thinking the futility of human behavior and all the bad ones want to live forever because all they see is themselves and their big egos are quite satisfied with what they see.

i feel this way...and im almost 100 % sure its my parents fault...i was always happy growing up, very social, everyone always wanted to be around me, i could become friends with a rock if i had to, but i was also able to be totally happy being all by myself , i always had something positive to say..but i was nieeve ...over the past years ive come to realize my parents were not the people i thought they were...theyre disgusting past and present sickened me when i found out the truth...i find out something new about them everyday which only makes my resentment grow...i hate them and at the same time love them so pissed that they cant love their kids enough to stop their destructive ways,...but im more angry that they werent honest about what they were sooner...its like my whole life was a lie with parents who only pretended to care whos high morals and ethics were complete bullshit ...i was brought up with strong faith in god and i now feel i dont even know if hes real ...everyday any small amounts of faith and hope i have just get sad all day and cry randomly... i isolate myself from everyone for fear of having a much to proud to ever tell anyone i kno that i feel this way so everyone thinks im happy which is so far from the truth...good looks and my longing for an intimate connection in a world that feels numb to me now, leads me to promiscuity ...but the relationships never last ...which leads me to my current thought process , why was i born...why the hell did my completely unfit parents reproduce...6 times at matter how good looking i am or how happy i pretend to inside im just cold and filled with resentment ...

I feel exactly the same I feel like people hate me cos I'm fat if I was never born there would be no one to hate

why does this not wanting to be alive get called sad or depression? I didn't choose to be alive. Why do I have to do it? I just hTe the whole experience I'd other human beings ******* with me. Why do I have to be here and then am forced to justify this feeling or have to go through pain to not be here. **** I just loath it all.. Bri g me drugs alcohol or whatever it takes to NOT be here

A good book is the best remedy...Seriously, I was where you all are. The Jesus (not church) helped me. I read the Psalms helped at first then I started going to different churches I went to many before I found one for me. No judgment...just love and acceptance. I will pray for a miracle for you and wish to share a you tube site. Go to you tube and search for "Violet flame prayer for taking away all negativity from your soul". The Violet Flame practice is NOT church or even religion but a way to rid ourselves of the negativity in our life.
My final comment...please use what you can and leave the rest. I have been where you are and pray for you to find God's peace in your life because that is truly where real happiness (no matter what you are going though) is. (not a church who tells you how to be and although we try...we still fall short and back into the despair).

I thought I was the only person who deals with this issue.I'm 40 years old and I don't recall a time in my life when I was truly happy to wake up in the morning.i have a daughter as well as a granddaughter and I've thought of all the people who are unable to have a family and how grateful they would be to have what I do i hate the fact that I am no means am I suicidal but I'm definitely not thrilled of the fact that tomorrow will more than likely mock me when I awake in the morning.

Your words could, and have, come from my own mouth. My mother was a narcissistic, depressive witch, and though she had a terrible childhood herself, never sought help, and besides her mental illness, much like my estranged sister (whom I pretty much raised, and have supported all my life as her first phone call) get pleasure out of cruelty. She never got up to make school lunches or even breakfast, she never went to parent's night at school, she never had any friends. But her unhappiness was apparently OUR fault. But that's all in the past. Anyway, I have been through some terrible traumas over the last few years, things no one should ever have to endure that have nothing to do with family issues. Right now I am on disability for PTSD, have been shunned by my entire family except my frail father, because it doesn't matter if you're crazy (according to my family) because as long as you don't seek help, you are okay. As the go-to person for handling family crises, my feelings and emotions don't count because I am "mentally ill" and can't always make their needs my first priority. My mother is the craziest person I've ever known, and other people know it, too. My sister is becoming her carbon copy, was a self-cutter, isolates herself, yet feels, like my mother does, that it's perfectly okay to cut me to shreds, but god forbid I should try to set any personal boundaries. I drove cross country with strength I didn't know I had because I knew if I stayed where I was, and where I was talking myself out of killing myself every night, I would die. So I moved out west, where everything has gone wrong, The Fascist state where I live won't provide me with low-cost health care because they hate poor people and minorities, and I cannot afford to buy insurance through the so-called "affordable" national marketplace--what a stupid joke that is, and I used to be an Obama supporter. Anyway, my sister decided she could hurt me the most by not allowing me to see my beloved little niece (whom I helped immensely in the process of applying to adopt, and handling adoption issues) and that was killing me, so I had to leave. But things are so bad here, I'm totally alone, and I dont' really think I ever should have been born, either. My life was rigged to fail from day one. I was raised to think I was nothing but an expensive burden, and any tim'e I felt good about myself my mother wasted no time in cutting me down. The things they have done to me should never be experienced by any human being, but they need to keep their little fantasy worlds afloat. I have to get out of here, but have maxed out my credit card, can't pay my bills since the state is ripping me off right and left, and have no support system other than two old, dear friends who live far away. I wonder why I endured what I have when everything just gets worse, no matter how hard I try. Regarding god, forget it. I was a devout Catholic for many years, have always been a spiritual person, but I begged for just one small concession to make my life (I spent a year abroad in virtual solitude--Communist country) just a bit more bearable. But no. Maybe there is a god, but he surely isn't interested in me, and I've certain made my share of mistakes but have always tried to be a good person, to help others, and that means absolutely nothing in a world where the rich 1 percenters who control 99 percent of the country--and world's==wealth, make all the rules and only care about lining the pockets of their rich friends. I must be the dumbest person in the word to not have realized by now that all most people care about are themselves. I have been saying that I don't want to die, I just want things to get better, but they get worse every day and now I'm not so sure. Without health insurance next year, it's doubtful I'll make it, and really I don't care. And I try, and have tried, so hard, I really have. How long do you hang out before you just quit because it's obvious your life will only get worse? I never thought my life would turn out this way, partly it's my fault I'm sure, but I was dealt a losing hand from day one. This is hell, right now, right here, and that's all there is.

I feel like you too. I had extremely difficult life, father alcoholic, narcissist mother, golden child sister. I am a loser, graduated from BS university, lost job 4 times, in a year and a half. Charged money on credit card to help my first love drug addict first love (unrequited), had tI do bankruptcy. Fall in love platonic and unrequited again with my married boss, who fired me. I make hardly enough to survive. But I don't even want anything. I was never to excited about the opportunity to live, but I now, I really want to die. I ask God to take my life everyday. Probably, I am not normal, and I will end up killing myself anyway. I am very messed up. My mom and my family keep bringing me down every day. I wanted to have a family and children before, now, I don't even want that, even if I could. I don't want to damage anybodys life and be messed up mother. I wish I can die

wow I didn't think others felt the same...and like others I think I started feeling like this around 11 yo. My family suck I was born into a family of narcissists, so I am alone. My pets have been my solace but Friday I lost one that meant a lot to me. Everything has been hard. I have hard to work three times harder than most, seem to meet the worst people mean, selfish, snobs, psychopathic and seem to have terrible luck. The depression after losing this pet feels as thick as pea soup. I don't know what the point is of this insane nightmarish planet. I can't stand how animals are treated on this planet and most people are so frigging stupid. Most don't like to learn about truth going on in the world and most are so superficial. I really don't feel like anyone really understands me or can relate - I am an orphan - but I had a sibling and parents. There is something very wrong with this planet. And after this pet passing, I have had it. I even developed some spirituality/belief in God and Jesus. I would never kill myself - too scared plus I don't want God to be mad at me, but right now. I am mad with God. How INSANE to allow all of this crap on this planet. If Satan runs this planet and God is God why allow ANY suffering? If I was running the show I wouldn't put up with it for ONE SECOND. I definitely would not want to be God though too on the other hand. Even when pets get sick - I cannot stand to have to make a decision. My pet made the decision for me. I am very tired. Tired of the greedy federal govt and every time I try to not just get ahead forget that but even just maintenance take care of things, it's too expensive. Have had to do everything by myself. no support. I have been telling God now that I am done. Take me off this frigging planet. I'm just done. WIll make sure my pets have contingency plans and I'm not going to do anything I just have strong wishes to be with my beautiful pet that passed on and all the others and praying God will take me off this frigging planet. Though I hope I have been a good enough person to get to be with my pets again in the afterlife. I don't see what the point of this is anymore. It's been a nightmare. My mother - it's always been all about her. same with my brother and my father wasn't that much different. Everything in my life seems like the opposite. all the timing of everything. I guess I should stop rambling now. But everyone has their limits. I've perservered. I've done a lot and I can never seem to get what I really need -- belonging, my own family, not have to work as hard, enjoy life. The very things I care about the most are taken from me. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I am not trying to get sympathy. This is how I feel.

Yep, I know much of what you feel.

I am quite an achiever in school, I won many CCA competitions and I graduated as one of the top 7 people in my batch. But what does all these add up to? What do I do next? I realised that everything ends up empty for me.

Then why were we ever born? Does the fault lie in the selfishness of our parents to have pleasure in sex and experience what it is like to be parents? Maybe it is just tragic that living organisms are programmed like this.

To make things worst, i hate myself. I am selfish to the extent that I feel happy when something bad happens to my close friends. I treat my family so badly even though they are so nice. I cant socialise like normal people do. Why the hell am I, who is like a biological defect with all the bad genes, born?
Natural selection will not take me out.
I am not worthy for my crush.
I have to learn the ways of a normal human, like articulating, enjoyment, how to express myself, how to stop sabotaging my team when playing sports etc.
I am socially awkward.
My IQ is low.
I am physically weak.
Why the hell does society allow me to live?

Perhaps, this is where i differ from you guys.

I hate myself. I've always hated myself for who i am. As such, i will not allow myself to live. Unless i change for the better. And so, i embarked on a project to pinpoint my weak point, observe people who are strong in that area and "implant" it into myself. This would be a long journey and it has been going on for 4 years. It is still going on now. What is amazing is that there is no end to this. Suddenly, the emptiness just left. Not that it left forever, i still feel it whenever i question the meaning of anything i do. I just want to improve myself.
I cant say that it will surely work but if you also hate yourself, why don't you try and redirect that hate to improving yourself?

One last thing before i end. I am naturally selfish. We all are. When my close friends get hurt/get into trouble, my heart overflowed with life.
I hid this fact by being a hypocrite. But the intense feelings to improve myself changed this.
Now, many says that I am selfless but I still think otherwise. I might seem to help others when there are no rewards to myself but the truth is as follows. I help people to hone my skills. Whether it is for communication, teaching skills etc. Whether they benefit from it, i honestly dont care. Recently, i even helped to pick up papers that a stranger accidentally dropped by instinct and my feelings about it: I didnt feel like i did something noble, i did not even think about pride. I always mumbled when talking to strangers and thought that it was an learning opportunity to talk to strangers. Am i satisfied? Yes, but not really. I just feel like i am a step closer to giving my personality a complete makeover.

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I have been fighting this gnawing feeling since I am 15 and at times, for periods of years, i have been able to keep it at bay, at the back of my mind by desperately convincing myself that there is something to live for, that humans are at heart kind and gentle and being filled with so much potential. I would envision an utopia and see myself as a piece mortar, a piece among many, that is needed to achieve this utopian dream; so desperately am I to realize this self-imposed destiny that i even took classes in counselling and worked as a teaching intern, hoping to mould young minds. I am 24 now and i have seen ****..humans are inherently selfish no matter how they dress it as generousity (& hypocrites to boot)..humans cannot change and will not change and will continue preserving a world where 'weak the flesh, the strong will eat'...Selfishness is needed to survive on Earth for it is forever changing and even if we were to advance scientifically, so much so as to control Earth itself, the stars and the universe are still beyond our control and thus, the reality of our being, of our situation requires selfishness in order for life to exist. So, in exchange for being alive, we have to accept selfishness and all the crap created by it. If we reject selfishness, then we will be rejection survival.That same feeling you are having now has returned once again and i can't fight it anymore; I have lost the will after having so much reality smeared across my eyes. The only reason why I have not commited suicide is that i have an aging mother who still loves me but at times i longed for death so much that i considered shooting her before shooting myself (she considers me her joy and my death will lead to hers). So it is not that you are abnormal for having these thoughts...we all do...most will 'outgrow' them but 'outgrowing' is merely sweeping the feeling under the carpet and decorating the carpet with ever more beautiful trophies and furnitures earned through the desperate trampling over others. You have fallen too deep into the rabbit hole...there is no ladder going back up there to the sweet bliss of innocent ignorance and the walls at this depth are too steep for you to try cawling......the only way out is to keep going deeper and i am sure you have pretty much hit the bottom and the bottom, death is the only way out. Thus, i reject selfishness.


I feel the same way as well. I was oblivious as to what country I'm living in, but now I have the complete realization that it's full of corruption. The people I know are just unapologetic and nasty hypocrites. They are absolutely different from my friends who are kind, caring, and understanding. I don't have plans to be in a relationship and I never will. The place I'm in has limited freedom and independence which is a complete disappointment and a huge disgrace. I despise living in a world where society mistreats and judges people for the way they live and look. Reality sucks in a way that it forces me to become one of them when in fact I am a complete opposite. I just wish I was never born at all.

I so feel what u r going through my dad told me everyday that I was a f#### mistake & that he wished I was dead :( I tried really hard to try & get him to even like me, but never would, I even spent all my money trying to buy presents but mum & Dad hated me so much. But that is ok I have the biggest BROKEN heart but I've been told by my dad, to harden the **** up, I try all the time, but I always think of ways to kill myself because I feel like I'm in the way. I even found my husband a new woman that would be good for my girls, they are so beautiful & my grandson & son I law are amazing. love them to the moon & back but I'm not going any wear!!! I have the most amazing support from my amazing Husband he is my big ROCK!! & I have 2 amazing Girls, they are amazing & my Husbands Mum & Dad are the most beautiful people I ever know, the kindness was never in my family, but I have so much support, I'm so lucky!!!! But I still get so Sad that my own Blood could not even like me let alone love me, but no matter what I have the most amazing husband & family in the world, thank u guys so much, love u all so muchxxxxxxxxxxxxx so be strong, look harder at interests, to try & gain the position you want, there will be something there for you, think of what pleases you, then chase it, go hard, don't look back, you will succeed, that is

I cried my eyes out reading these words.. I have never been able to get the thought out of my mind & into words untill now. I can relate to this so well. You are special, even if the people around you cant see it. I know how u feel and i know what its like to feel alone.

I am amazed that there are so many people that feel the same way about being alive as I do. I had already decided at 10 (I am 50 now) that it would be better to die and "go to heaven" then to live. I'm agnostic now, so I drop the heaven-notion but just the peace of death is so appealing to me. My story is not one of abuse, illness or anything like that. I am employed, and my life isn't horrible. But yet, I just cannot shake this feeling that life is a prison and the hours and days are its cell bars. I don't have a personal "why" for being here. And I also resent being alive. If I had been asked, I would never have signed up for life. I have a sister and a cat who probably would miss me if I were gone, so I would feel bad about committing suicide. My hope is that I get cancer or something like that so I can refuse treatment and let it runs its course and solve the "problem" for me. I suppose that is suicide by lack of action, but hopefully its impact on my sister won't be as bad as suicide would be.

and what if there is no peace after death, this peace that is elusive, what if everything is worse after death. don't get me wrong I feel as you feel, literally! same ish thought process, except the heaven bit cos i believe, but never mind my beliefs what if there is no peace after death cos you believe nothing happens after death. im not attacking you in any way and your choices and beliefs are yours to make but i suppose i am concerned that because of these beliefs, when you do get this death we both wish for, that it doesnt end there

It is a possibility certainly that the hereafter is even worse than this life. If that's the case though, then experiencing it is inevitable. I long lived the logic of Pascal's wager figuring it was "safer" to live a good life in case there was a hell in the hereafter and then finding that there was none, than to live a "wicked" life thinking there was no punishment to come, only to find out after death, that I was wrong. But I am tired of my life being controlled by fear, especially fear of a hereafter that might not even exist.

I understand that logic but you're also right , we shouldn't live life being controlled by fear of the present, future or hereafter. See I believe in both heaven and hell and I've learned that it isn't about believing in God because I'm afraid to go to hell. On the contrary, it's about accepting God and therefore the peace and freedom that comes with that, knowing that:

one, no matter how difficult life is, He is right there with us, loving us ..and believe you me this, I know that can be hard to believe when everything around is just dragging and you just don't see the point and I'm right there with you, but I know no matter how I feel, this is truth which in itself is so freeing ...

and two, knowing that once this life is all done, I have the hope of finally being with God in heaven never to experience any the sadness and emptiness and 'hell on earth' as it were.

You see people often misunderstand God talking about hell, this place that supposedly exists and where people go after life. The purpose of it being mentioned wasn't to scare anyone or make them live in fear of it. It was said as a warning out of deepest love. I'll try explain with an analogy. Imagine you have a kid who love infinitely more than anything, more than life itself and will always love, and you're walking on the sidewalk and the kid wants to cross the road but you can see that there are so many cars coming and if he crosses now he will get hit and die. So you say 'wait don't cross the road now cos there are many cars coming and its very dangerous, you could get hit and die'. Now you see you're not saying that to make him afraid so he lives in fear. you're explaining to him a sequence of events that will happen because you love him and because you don't want any harm to come to him.
You also say to him 'wait, walk with me, and I will make sure we cross the road and you'll be safe and nothing will happento you ' both things you said cos of deepest love. It is a similar concept God telling us about heaven and hell.

see I'm right there with you with how you feel about life, perhaps not exactly the same but like you I struggle with wanting to be alive, wishing for its end (which btw is not how God wants me feeling, He wants good things for us, but no matter what or how I feel right now, He is here with me, and I know He is working to take me through this in Love)
But I know it's important to consider life after death and therefore choose what and who I believe in and thus live my life in accordance (not talking of perfection or not making mistakes). I've taken heed to the warning but I don't live in fear of that. On the contrary I live in hope and freedom knowing that one day all of this bullcrap will be done with and I will be with the One who is Love and life would be nothing but peace and joy and just everything good

I'm not trying to throw my beliefs or anything about God or anything in your face. I wanted to explain because although we don't know each other,I do care like I care for my siblings, that when death comes, you end up with God never to experience the pain or sorrow of life again and I know more than that, God cares and will always care. You may not believe in Him but He believes in you and loves you despite anything you may have done or how you feel or the difficulties of life.
My point and hope is that you perhaps reopen and revisit things of such nature which you chose to put aside and see what you find out😊

Though I can't say that I share your hope in God and heaven, Vaughnli, I thank you for caring! Best wishes to you on your life journey.

Perhaps not now, maybe one day, at least that is my hope. Our lives are.......hard, only people like us understand what it is to feel as we do, but I do hope you find..... peace, through it all and best wishes to you too x

2 More Responses

I feel exactly the same im 40 and thought the feeling would leave me, infact its getting
worse :'(

I frequently feel this way although people tell me I am being ridiculous

I don't have any illness, or disability, at least that I could tell. But, same as you (all of you, in the comments as well), I can't appreciate the world. I have some close friends and hobbies that I fully enjoy. I legitimately feel happy when I'm with them. But the rest of the day, the other days of the week, I feel empty. All my life people have told me "you're talented, you will have an easy life if you put your heart into it" (basically). But when I tell them that there's no point of being "talented" when you can't even have meteo small talk with people at work, or school before that, they just say "naaah, you just have to practice. Just be yourself". But there's no point. I get it, small talk exist to pass time and to start an actual debate, but I don't see the point. If I'm not interested, I can't act like I am.It's not a random fact that one of my favorite show of all time is Monk. The writers got it just right with this character. In one of the episodes, he says : "I am not suicidal. I just wish I was never born". I cannot agree more. There is a difference. Same as him, I am not suicidal. I don't want to put a knife in my chest or jump down a hill. I don't have the courage nor the will, and especially I don't want to hurt my family and friends. I just don't want to live life. I don't have the motivation to live it. And it's not even the fact that "there is no point of living" like sudo-philosophers like to say, but I can't find a personnal reason. Not having the motivation to live while also not wanting to die... It's the worst feeling in the world. At least when I was sad or even depressed, I could talk, laugh, and feel better. But this emptiness never goes away.Just like one of the comments, I am the last child. And even if I was never told, I always felt like an accident. I was loved, I guess, it's really not the problem, but every day I imagine what my room would look like if I wasn't there. Where would my parents be and what they would be doing. They wouldn't be sad, since I wouldn't exist. Maybe they would be in a even worse place, heck, I don't know, you can never know. But I don't feel necessary. I'm just that guy. That weird guy.18 years old, and I'm already saying things like that on a random forum on the Internet. It saddens me. It really does. I'll get better, I always do. It's just sadness. But I'll always feel empty, and nobody can talk me out of it.

I feel the same...

crap, no edit button. sorry for the double post.
i was born to someone who is mentally ill (and learning disabled, though i can't hold that against anyone in good conscience) and not capable of taking care of/providing for her own existence, let alone my own. dad bailed out quick, i saw him maybe once or twice a year but never developed much of a connection with either of them. the only reason i made it through the horrible rural school system was because my mother's parents have the resources to provide for us. i had to live in a house alone with her through my childhood, very isolated (rural area=no houses to walk to, and she wouldn't have let me anyway, i bet), the perfect recipe for unchecked abuse. now i have my own serious mental health issues, i know i should have been aborted (her life would be better, and i wouldn't have to deal with existing), and i have no real desire to make my own life better because, well, why should i? there's no point to any of this. i have at times felt at least ok with existing because of some close friends and good experiences, but ultimately i have to come "home" at the end of it, and "home" is the worst place for me to be. if things are just gonna get worse again, what's the point of trying to ever make them better? life is just a huge tease, you get a taste of something good and then it's back to the same old bull.

FYI, to edit a post, you have to click on the text itself. You'll know it for the next time. :-)

Yes, I fully know this state of being, & have long since stopped trying to convey this reality to others..... It is the ultimate & deepest of depressiveness, & arises from a deep sense that everything seems futile..... there have been moments where one tries to fight this sense of pointlessness by pursuing achievable contentment in the form of, say, focus on a career or interest, but ultimately it's felt to be a fruitless aim, leading to a powerful & painful battle of conflict (fighting being this way), which is then felt as anger. I feel this way a lot, as if everything is pointless & futile, boring...... But like yourself would not commit suicide. I have heard the condition happening to OLD SOULS, WHO HAVE BEEN HERE MANY, MANY TIMES, & ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS INTERESTING ANYMORE, & I honestly feel that something new is needed, in a way that I barely sense rather than knowing what I should do differently. Sorry for long ramble, & the awkwardness with which I have attempted to convey my thoughts..... THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FULLY SHARED THIS WITH SOMEONE ELSE...... I'M ALSO AUTISTIC WHICH COMPROMISES MY ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE! Amanda J

I consider autism as nature's grand experiment to create genius who can envision and create. Dear Amanda are you one of nature's success stories?

When you try to explain to people how you feel, they try to talk you out of it. Or they try to talk you into a different view. I will not. I know what you are saying. I have always, since I was a young child, felt like I did not belong here. I know that I was an "accident" ... a late baby in the family. Did my parents voice that and it stuck with me? I do not know. But things have never felt right in this life. Not REAL. Like I was taking part in some stage performance. There is a disconnect. If not for my loved ones and my animals, I would not remain. And if I the "last one, " I am going to leave of my own volition. I do not belong here: Never have, never will. Good luck.

I don't belong here either, & among the only things keeping me here is my cat & occasional deep glimpse at the beauty of animals & flowers....... AJ

I think that if I just went away, nobody would even care except for those I have forced obligations to.

What an odd thing, and even stranger that we all found this site. I googled "I never wanted to be born", and landed here.
Who the hell does that? Well, I guess I do.
Since I was a very young boy, I have questioned the reason for my existence. I have photo like snapshots in my head of time. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, when I was about 6 or 7 years old, thinking "I can't live like this anymore". Another instance I recall, was asking my mother, when I was 4 years old "Mom, what's a soul?". She gave me some simple answer, appropriate for my age. Then she asked me "Why do you ask?". I clearly remember answering "Because I think I lived before, and I was a soldier, Mom." WTF????
Out of body experiences when I was very young, floating above myself. I remember bouncing a basketball in my driveway, at maybe 7 or 8. I floated out of myself, and was looking down, watching the ball go up and down, with a distant sound, like I was watching a basketball game from the bleachers in a gym.
So many good people have died, and left me here. I'm married, with two stepkids, but I feel so alone.
Alcoholic, pot smoker, Bipolar since birth. I am 42 now. How long will it go on?
I have engaged in every insanely dangerous hobby you can name, save for BASE jumping, or something. I've been a microsecond from death a hundred times, and it's the only time I feel truly alive.
I don't get it, and we won't find answers here.
It is comforting, and yet disturbing to find a site like this.
Normally misery likes company, but I wouldn't wish this on any of you.
Be as well as you can. We all go someday.

I wish the same. I just can not get the reasons I was onthis earth. Same routine and same faces but different heart. I was thinking of relocating to a place were technology does not matter and having all natural resources. I doubt there are places like that. Just don't know what happened after death... My only set back. Also I take care of my mum and started securing my properties for her incase I choose to take my life. I don't want her to struggle if am gone. I have know one to talk to aside nagging girlfriend who does not want to listen to anything aside career. I even feel she is cheating. My dad died last yr and wish he can at least for putting me in this world mess, he can tell me wassup there. That is all I wish for. There is nothing to fight for in this world and see people hating each other and less concern about prison of life. I feel I am in a jail unless I do sth about it. I don't see that anyone luv me. Not a single soul. Be more careful when they say I luv u. Same way as a girlfriend say u can call me anytime but that is when they switch their fon because they want cheat. Everyone hv a reason to be nice... Don't fall for it.. I am watchful of those that are close. Before I wished for dozen of children. The dream is no longer there not because of wealth but will they like this world or hate it. I hate probabilities. I really don't do well there so I don't gamble. Recently British couple gun themselves. One their suicide note they said they have no reason to live. If u give give me a reason I will live. Now I hv no reason to carry on. I see my time so close. Luv u brothers

Look at the big picture ...the plain obvious truth.... hospitals and nursing homes are filled to capacity due to car accidents,wars,natural disasters and diseases ...millions of people are suffering and many people live in those institutions their entire life paralized in bed or painfully suffering every day wishing they were never born but they don't have the courage to kill themselves. Over 10 million suicides occur every year world wide...10,000,000...[google it to see for yourself]..and it's wrong that they had to be born to suffer in this evil world in the first place. One third of the world population have no kids and want no kids because they realize reproduction and suffering is wrong. Ever since the world began the number of people severely suffering continues to keep multiplying larger every year as the population keeps growing and it can only continue to get worse. All these facts and statistics should be taught to children in public schools before they reach reproduction age but its not taught because the pro-lifers do not want children to know about these truths because the pro-lifers have no morals....the pro-lifers are ignorant irresponsible people who only want to satisfy themselves and cause harm to other people. Most people are born from teenage mothers who are too young to know any better and when they get older many of them realize they made a mistake by having kids in the first place because public schools and their pro-life parents never taught them any better and the reproduction continues one generation after the next. It's like the blind leading the blind. Children are legally entitled to be taught and know these facts therefore it is now time that we have to bring lawsuits to force the government to teach these facts to children in schools the same way lawsuits forced god and prayers out of public schools and abortion was legalized. If all these facts were taught in schools it would stop most of the reproduction. New lawsuits can also make it illegal to reproduce or to use public medicaid and medicare to pay for infertility and pregnantcy medical services except abortion. If you do not believe in the abortion pill you should not have sex. Over 20 million abortions occur every year worldwide. If mothers truly love their children they would not bring their kids into this world of suffering and chaos. No one has any right whatsoever to bring another human being into this world who did not ask to be born. If there is a god and if god created earth he certainly dose not need us humans to create other people ....he can create humans out of thin air or thru vigin mothers if he really wanted to the very same way the Christians claim that jesus was born. In the 12th centrury society killed Christians for having religious fantacy pro-life beliefs. Psychologists say that pro-life people are insane confused people. Retarded people reproduce defective babies. Mental institutions and prisons are overflowing adding to the chaos. Live your own life instead of concerning yourself with reproducing other people. There is nothing.....absolutely nothing on earth that we need so why bring other people here to suffer for nothing. We deserve a perfect world ...or no world at all. Many people especially the crippled and elderly say they would never want to come back to this evil world even if there was no suffering on earth. The next massive meteor that hits the earth will severely injur most of the world population causing even more widespread suffering. Mankind is flying rocket ships into outer space trying to live on other planets in his thrill seeking perverted search for materialistic glory but he is just waisting his time because where ever physical humans travel in the physical universe there will be physical suffering. Animals and humans are both driven by pre-programed reproductive genetic instinc makes them both think they have to reproduce. It is time in your life to evolve and realize that reproduction is not logical, fair, legal or moral regardless if god, alliens or evolution started life on earth and you must learn to control your genetic reproduction instinc instead of instinc controling you. It's time to be proud to teach your kids,grand kids and other people about all these undisputable facts. Many pro-lifers are simply too dumb or retarded and will never stop reproducing even in countries like china were reproduction is illegal. Eventually when enough intelligent people realize all these facts revolution will occur and mankind will find a way to totally destroy this evil planet of genetic reproduction as they attempted to do in the 12th centrury so no one including the prolifers will ever have to come to this world of suffering and chaos again. This is the only solution for the benefit of all humanity. After the world ends the pro-lifers will never miss or know what they thought they needed. Pass this letter along to other people to direct them to this university graduate website at Contact me at

I wish this ****** life would just end. For now I am not ready to suicide since I just don't feel like it and maybe am too scared too end my life, but if someone would tell me I would die tomorrow I would careless. I despise most humans walking on this earth, their are just plain selfish and uncaring. Especially those whom you never expected to ever backstab you, like your own family. Disgusting ... Life really is just ****. And in my eyes ppl that suffer depression are actually the more clear headed ppl, their mind tries to reject and deny this filthy construct of lies and pain, which we call a life. To be honest there is nothing to enjoy in life, all the luxuries we the western countries posses has been grown on the bloody backs of children and adults of 3rd world countries. And we, thus life in the 1st world than again carry the mighty ones on our hands, while crawling on our knees, face down in our own blood and the blood of those we sacrificed, as well as our sweat. We just love to suck it all up, what dirt of the silver plates of our idols we are given, we will enjoy, saviour and crave for. This world is just so wrong and scary! Truly a godless world, without love, comfort and caring. Everyone is the closest to themselves. Being doomed to live on this planet is like burning in hell, there shouldn't be much difference to what religious people believe in, what hell is like. And the funny thing every time you feel like something is going good and you somewhat feel okay, something ultimative bad happens, like being a pawn in a stupid game, ridicules. And all this shame full people hiding behind the excuse of being just an animal for being a scumbag, disgrace full. Well if your are an animal than stop wearing closes and live in the woods, hunt kill with your bare hands, do what ever you want. End-

I wish i was never been born either,<br />
Because i Always ruin evrything for evrybody. <br />
If i was never born people would be a lot happier.