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I Wish I Was Never Born

And not only do I wish I were never born, I'm angry about being born. I had no say in the matter. If I had been given the choice, I'd absolutely choose to have never been born. What a miserable, hopeless mess this life is.

My purpose in posting this is not to seek advice or sympathy, but rather just to see if there is anyone else out there who feels this way.

I've tried everything within my power to appreciate what little pleasure and enjoyment I can find in life, but the bad so far outweighs the good, it's impossible. I try to feel gratitude, I'm perfectly aware that there are many people who have it far worse than I do, and that I should count my blessings. But that doesn't make me any less miserable. I've felt this way for literally my entire life, but these feelings become stronger the older I get.

I've tried therapy, medication, exercise - nothing helps. Exercise has made me more attractive, and I am in good physical health, but this is little comfort. I am fully aware of how ignorant and selfish I am.

I feel like my life is basically pointless. I have interests I pursue; working out, music, reading - none of them provide much in the way of lasting fulfillment. I am not a religious or spiritual person, I am turned off by the self-righteousness of religion. I have absolutely no desire to marry or have a family. I have a small handful of close friends who are wonderful, but none understand me. I rapidly lose interest in romantic relationships as quickly as I begin them. I have never been in love and doubt it exists.  I despised school, and the thought of furthering my education literally makes me sick. I carefully selected what I believed would be a somewhat fulfilling career path, only to grow to hate my job as well.

I would never attempt suicide, not due to any moral objections or considerations for anyone else, but because I am certain that if I were to attempt it, I would somehow fail and leave myself even worse off than I was to begin with (confined to a wheelchair, comatose, disfigured, Terri Schiavo, etc.).

So I ask, does anyone else out there feel this way?

Philliebuster Philliebuster 26-30, M 132 Responses Dec 14, 2008

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I feel as you do. I believe I am an object that doesn't belong. I have reasons to be happy but I live in constant fear and self hatred. I, as you, have tried all the things that are supposed to make me feel better but the never do. I have 2 masters degrees and can't keep a job because I hate my life. At times I am so scared I feel something is crawling under my skin so Ive tried all the meds, therapy and on and on. Nothing helps. As I get older it gets worse. I am now 60 and see no reason to go on except the sadness it could cause family. Many of whom do not care. If find less and less reasons not to end. I feel I am connected to life by a thin thread. I believe there should be legalized euthenization (sp?). I believe a person should be able to die in some form of dignity if they want to. If I had incurable cancer and living in excruciating pain my leaving would be a relief to everyone. But since they can't see it they think I should suck it up and move on with no relief.

Ugh bravo, this is (for the most part) exactly how I feel. I've tried desperately to just appreciate things open my heart for hope but still miserable. Hate every job I've ever had and suck at what I'm passionate about. I'm with you. Your not alone bud.

It's like i wrote it myself. The stuff you say and describe are exactly the same as my own thoughts and actions.

Was better off where I came from before I was born on this planet where they butcher and bleed you from the inside.

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I feel exactly the way you do .Philliebuster! Being placed on this planet without any say in the matter. I have always been in turmoil , nothing really good ever happens to me. Then I have a choice between choosing God or the Devil. What life is a 100% CRAPOUT!!!!!! Makes me want to say can't be any God, because what supreme being would treat any mortal creature with contempt and think I am strong enough to love someone who puts me through all this DETRIMENT !!!!

I feel the same wish I was never born n wish I was dead, my parents were not fit to be parents and should have never had children.i wish I didn't exist. I've tasted life in all its fruits , even jesus and still unsatisfied. Nothing can fix this, I am left alone yet I have many close friends. I cannot wait to die, it's the only thing I look forward to, I can't kill myself because of sisters. I am a very strong person and do have compassion. I've been in therapy for years.i know exactly why I feel the way I do, I understand myself and others.im a peer support worker for people with mental health problems .death is the way out of my inner torment.i try to be compassionate as a way out but it's new terrortory. I'm a positive person believe it or not and don't belive I'm being negative I'm being realistic.jesus love does not help. I'm a warrior. I just so wish I was dead, I'm tired of suffering. It does pass but then it comes back. I don't want to exist.i don't want to be alive.i want or blazon. Sleep is my final escape

I love your post.

i cant help but point out i feel the same way. My very few interests similar to yours are exercising music sleeping and reading. But there are only soo many books you can read. Only so much exercise you can take before asking yourself whats the point. I treasure my state of sleep because i find no point in being conciouse. I dont have many friends, i infact prefer being alone but i cant stand being alive even though my living standards arnt the worst, i feel selfish for wanting to die, but i cant help but feel like this. I wont kill myself but i am sometimes reckless and do things that harm my body and it makes me happy. I cant stand school because i feel all throughout my life im just being used with the knowledge we are given. I see no point in day to day life and i wish i wasnt alive. I cant stand being alive. I get bored very easily and im left empty, with nothing to do. I feel selfish for wanting to leave my family, they are probably the only thing keeping me alive, without them nothing is stopping me from killing myself but i cant help how i feel. I hide how i feel but no on Notices, i dont know what to do. I cant stand living.

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Well I on the other hand have the best life I could wish for ! I have a beautiful best daughter any parent would wish for , she has married the best man a parent could wish for . She is a child from my first marriage! I did love her father very much , but he turned drugs and therefore my marriage failed . After 7 years being divorced I remarried the love of my life . A disabled veteran with TBI and ptsd . We had a son 3 years later . We are very Hsppy ! A few years later I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder then bipolar disorder . My family life is s dream come true ! I do have to help my hubby with his ordeal ! Our son had ADD and Dyspraxia syndrome! I take care of him too !! My hubby had memory loss , so I have to live with that. I can and choose to live my life to help them ! However my parents are getting old and therefore their health is detonating ! I live 4 hours away ! My brothers to want to accept my life struggles ! They make me feel guilty I don't visit and help with my parents ! I do what I can when I can ! I have offered to bring my parents to come live with me , as I do not work and have the time to care for them ! They refused? Mo love my parents so much ! I can't bear the thought of them passing some days !'The reason I had never been born is , I don't want to feel the hurt of losing them , but then if I was never born I would never have given life to my beautiful children !!u

Had an alright life had girlfriends but then there was a girl in my life. Since she left things changed completely and csn even enjoy my life less friends less socializing no words

i feel the same way, but my life was a piece of **** since i was born, i was sexualy abused several times as a child between 7~11 years old, i kept it all bottled inside myself for all this time, i was never sad in front of others, the only person i once believed would listen to me was the woman i loved the most, but she left years ago, i feel like theres a crack in my heart and every day it grows bigger, its like everything i once loved is losing itself inside the darkness of that fissure, everyday i put on a mask and go on with my life, i have good friends, i'm a college student and i have a good job, i have a good relation with my parents and brothers, i think they can feel the darkness around me some times and they get worried, but i can always fool them with a good smile, because i don't want them to worry and be sad, some times i wish i was imortal, so that i could outlive everybody that love/like me and finaly be alone, finaly i would be able to end it all, if i was sure i would be able to die alone in the end, i would hold on to this pain for as long as needed ... i wont have children, i wont make them go through the hell of this life.

i feel exactly the same the way. I cant say im suicidal.. i dont contemplate killing myself; esp because i refuse to be remembered in pity, but had i been given the choice...id 100% pass up on this thing called life. I cant stand the self righteousness of religion either. Any time ive tried to talk about this people think its the lack of god in my life... i know it isnt. I love my friends to death. theyre as loyal as they come; but as you said, none of them understand me. im turning 30 next month and this feeling keeps getting worse every ******* day. Ive lived 1/3 of my life and feel zero fulfillment; i cant remember a time when i was truly excited to just wake up and live. Now the expectation is that i should have a family and raise a kid the next 30? only to sit around and wait for death the final 30...really...this is the great plan everyone is awe about? Then theres the other road....just ride this thing out solo. Enjoy whatever amusing distractions come my way, but knowing in my heart of hearts that its all bullshit. youre not alone in feeling this way...i googled this today just to see if anyone else out there feels that way as well.. like you said, i know theres soooooo many people worse off in life than i am and it makes me feel unbelievably selfish and self absorbed. but i cant take this **** anymore. it seems like anything i do is just to distract myself from feeling like this. Its like im trying to fix the symptoms, knowing there is no cure for the actual cause. That naive sense of "hope" and "future" that i once had is long gone. life is an evil ****....and i wish i simply had nothing to do with it. ESP if this religion thing is real... jesus a life time of emptiness followed by an eternity of burning. What kills me is i try... i try so hard to be happy. I laugh the loudest... tell the most jokes...im the clown of my group by far. soon as i get alone with my thoughts... i see the empty reality.

i also work, go on vacations and am very social....i just dont know where the feeling comes from

The philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer, described that life is inherently meaningless, and that life itself is a mistake (it would be far better if there was no life). And I agree with most of the pessimist's philosophy on life.When you see people breeding, and forcing life upon a helpless child, you begin to realize that humans only do it for selfish reasons. Maybe they'd like a child to look after them in their old age, to feel loved, to give them a sense of purpose, or to cement a failed relationship? You know what? None of this is guaranteed! There is no guarantee of happiness in life, but misery is always present around every corner.

But yeah, I wish I hadn't been born.

Since I was young, I have had a sadness, looking at people who love without such sadness is frustrating, why can' t I be obliviously happy and effected by emotions,why can't I just throw caution to the wind. It runs in my family and my daughter has inherited this gene. I have told her she must find happiness, when she can, because her life will be full of what most consider to be happy, but she will have to fake. The smile. It is the heart of the warrior in this world, we are put here to fight for something bigger then ourselves, when you are fighting for the bigger picture, we value ourselves as inclusive. Find your fight, it may not be what you think, just to breath is a fight, everyday every breath, but a breath with purpose is much more satisfying than and empty exhale. God bless, a sister to your birth affliction.

I have almost exactly the same feeling! I usually feel guilty after such thoughts since I know lots of people who have it worse than I do, but I absolutely don't want the life I have now. I usually find myself imagining my dream life and yet it's just another reminder how close to impossible it is to achieve it.
I also though of suicide lots of times before but I guess I'm too much of a coward to inflict some pain on myself and I can't really ask someone to help me with it.

This is life without Jesus. You are being prayed for

YES!!!!!! I could have written this word for word. I would give anything to never have been born and sentenced to this long suffering pain called life. I long for this to end. I believe this is possibly "the real " hell that all the religions fear so much. I long to escape.

Wow. I came across the page because I typed in I Wish I Was Never Born in a search because I've been thinking how I want to write a book addressed to the people who are bold enough to think they have the right to make another person be born. I was born to an emotionally unstable unwed teenager who I realize as a grown up was a total narcissist who had no right to decide that she was capable of bringing another human into this world. Strangely despite her abuse, in this life I have been lucky to meet amazing nice people who encouraged me and gave me opportunities to see that I was worthwhile but as soon as a situation arises where there are no positive people my thoughts instantly go to suicide and I realize it's really just the replaying of all the mean cruel insults that I carry around from childhood and my desire to be dead rather than ever see my mother again. Life is definitely trying to keep me here on earth though. Because just when I get really low and ready to give up there is always an unexpected nice human that reinforces my purpose. My goal for a book would be to drill into people's heads the true responsibility of creating another human and the fact that abuse and negative words leave an impact that lasts a lifetime. I was moved to tears reading all your stories and I was blown away that others are thinking the same way. And to be honest it is usually the most caring and thoughtful people who are the ones over thinking the futility of human behavior and all the bad ones want to live forever because all they see is themselves and their big egos are quite satisfied with what they see.

i feel this way...and im almost 100 % sure its my parents fault...i was always happy growing up, very social, everyone always wanted to be around me, i could become friends with a rock if i had to, but i was also able to be totally happy being all by myself , i always had something positive to say..but i was nieeve ...over the past years ive come to realize my parents were not the people i thought they were...theyre disgusting past and present sickened me when i found out the truth...i find out something new about them everyday which only makes my resentment grow...i hate them and at the same time love them ...im so pissed that they cant love their kids enough to stop their destructive ways,...but im more angry that they werent honest about what they were sooner...its like my whole life was a lie with parents who only pretended to care whos high morals and ethics were complete bullshit ...i was brought up with strong faith in god and i now feel i dont even know if hes real ...everyday any small amounts of faith and hope i have just get smaller....im sad all day and cry randomly... i isolate myself from everyone for fear of having a breakdown...im much to proud to ever tell anyone i kno that i feel this way so everyone thinks im happy which is so far from the truth...good looks and my longing for an intimate connection in a world that feels numb to me now, leads me to promiscuity ...but the relationships never last ...which leads me to my current thought process , why was i born...why the hell did my completely unfit parents reproduce...6 times at that...no matter how good looking i am or how happy i pretend to inside im just cold and filled with resentment ...

I feel exactly the same I feel like people hate me cos I'm fat if I was never born there would be no one to hate

why does this not wanting to be alive get called sad or depression? I didn't choose to be alive. Why do I have to do it? I just hTe the whole experience I'd other human beings ******* with me. Why do I have to be here and then am forced to justify this feeling or have to go through pain to not be here. **** I just loath it all.. Bri g me drugs alcohol or whatever it takes to NOT be here

A good book is the best remedy...Seriously, I was where you all are. The Jesus (not church) helped me. I read the Psalms helped at first then I started going to different churches I went to many before I found one for me. No judgment...just love and acceptance. I will pray for a miracle for you and wish to share a you tube site. Go to you tube and search for "Violet flame prayer for taking away all negativity from your soul". The Violet Flame practice is NOT church or even religion but a way to rid ourselves of the negativity in our life.
My final comment...please use what you can and leave the rest. I have been where you are and pray for you to find God's peace in your life because that is truly where real happiness (no matter what you are going though) is. (not a church who tells you how to be and although we try...we still fall short and back into the despair).

I thought I was the only person who deals with this issue.I'm 40 years old and I don't recall a time in my life when I was truly happy to wake up in the morning.i have a daughter as well as a granddaughter and I've thought of all the people who are unable to have a family and how grateful they would be to have what I do i hate the fact that I am alive.....by no means am I suicidal but I'm definitely not thrilled of the fact that tomorrow will more than likely mock me when I awake in the morning.

Your words could, and have, come from my own mouth. My mother was a narcissistic, depressive witch, and though she had a terrible childhood herself, never sought help, and besides her mental illness, much like my estranged sister (whom I pretty much raised, and have supported all my life as her first phone call) get pleasure out of cruelty. She never got up to make school lunches or even breakfast, she never went to parent's night at school, she never had any friends. But her unhappiness was apparently OUR fault. But that's all in the past. Anyway, I have been through some terrible traumas over the last few years, things no one should ever have to endure that have nothing to do with family issues. Right now I am on disability for PTSD, have been shunned by my entire family except my frail father, because it doesn't matter if you're crazy (according to my family) because as long as you don't seek help, you are okay. As the go-to person for handling family crises, my feelings and emotions don't count because I am "mentally ill" and can't always make their needs my first priority. My mother is the craziest person I've ever known, and other people know it, too. My sister is becoming her carbon copy, was a self-cutter, isolates herself, yet feels, like my mother does, that it's perfectly okay to cut me to shreds, but god forbid I should try to set any personal boundaries. I drove cross country with strength I didn't know I had because I knew if I stayed where I was, and where I was talking myself out of killing myself every night, I would die. So I moved out west, where everything has gone wrong, The Fascist state where I live won't provide me with low-cost health care because they hate poor people and minorities, and I cannot afford to buy insurance through the so-called "affordable" national marketplace--what a stupid joke that is, and I used to be an Obama supporter. Anyway, my sister decided she could hurt me the most by not allowing me to see my beloved little niece (whom I helped immensely in the process of applying to adopt, and handling adoption issues) and that was killing me, so I had to leave. But things are so bad here, I'm totally alone, and I dont' really think I ever should have been born, either. My life was rigged to fail from day one. I was raised to think I was nothing but an expensive burden, and any tim'e I felt good about myself my mother wasted no time in cutting me down. The things they have done to me should never be experienced by any human being, but they need to keep their little fantasy worlds afloat. I have to get out of here, but have maxed out my credit card, can't pay my bills since the state is ripping me off right and left, and have no support system other than two old, dear friends who live far away. I wonder why I endured what I have when everything just gets worse, no matter how hard I try. Regarding god, forget it. I was a devout Catholic for many years, have always been a spiritual person, but I begged for just one small concession to make my life (I spent a year abroad in virtual solitude--Communist country) just a bit more bearable. But no. Maybe there is a god, but he surely isn't interested in me, and I've certain made my share of mistakes but have always tried to be a good person, to help others, and that means absolutely nothing in a world where the rich 1 percenters who control 99 percent of the country--and world's==wealth, make all the rules and only care about lining the pockets of their rich friends. I must be the dumbest person in the word to not have realized by now that all most people care about are themselves. I have been saying that I don't want to die, I just want things to get better, but they get worse every day and now I'm not so sure. Without health insurance next year, it's doubtful I'll make it, and really I don't care. And I try, and have tried, so hard, I really have. How long do you hang out before you just quit because it's obvious your life will only get worse? I never thought my life would turn out this way, partly it's my fault I'm sure, but I was dealt a losing hand from day one. This is hell, right now, right here, and that's all there is.

I feel like you too. I had extremely difficult life, father alcoholic, narcissist mother, golden child sister. I am a loser, graduated from BS university, lost job 4 times, in a year and a half. Charged money on credit card to help my first love drug addict first love (unrequited), had tI do bankruptcy. Fall in love platonic and unrequited again with my married boss, who fired me. I make hardly enough to survive. But I don't even want anything. I was never to excited about the opportunity to live, but I now, I really want to die. I ask God to take my life everyday. Probably, I am not normal, and I will end up killing myself anyway. I am very messed up. My mom and my family keep bringing me down every day. I wanted to have a family and children before, now, I don't even want that, even if I could. I don't want to damage anybodys life and be messed up mother. I wish I can die

wow I didn't think others felt the same...and like others I think I started feeling like this around 11 yo. My family suck I was born into a family of narcissists, so I am alone. My pets have been my solace but Friday I lost one that meant a lot to me. Everything has been hard. I have hard to work three times harder than most, seem to meet the worst people mean, selfish, snobs, psychopathic and seem to have terrible luck. The depression after losing this pet feels as thick as pea soup. I don't know what the point is of this insane nightmarish planet. I can't stand how animals are treated on this planet and most people are so frigging stupid. Most don't like to learn about truth going on in the world and most are so superficial. I really don't feel like anyone really understands me or can relate - I am an orphan - but I had a sibling and parents. There is something very wrong with this planet. And after this pet passing, I have had it. I even developed some spirituality/belief in God and Jesus. I would never kill myself - too scared plus I don't want God to be mad at me, but right now. I am mad with God. How INSANE to allow all of this crap on this planet. If Satan runs this planet and God is God why allow ANY suffering? If I was running the show I wouldn't put up with it for ONE SECOND. I definitely would not want to be God though too on the other hand. Even when pets get sick - I cannot stand to have to make a decision. My pet made the decision for me. I am very tired. Tired of the greedy federal govt and every time I try to not just get ahead forget that but even just maintenance take care of things, it's too expensive. Have had to do everything by myself. no support. I have been telling God now that I am done. Take me off this frigging planet. I'm just done. WIll make sure my pets have contingency plans and I'm not going to do anything I just have strong wishes to be with my beautiful pet that passed on and all the others and praying God will take me off this frigging planet. Though I hope I have been a good enough person to get to be with my pets again in the afterlife. I don't see what the point of this is anymore. It's been a nightmare. My mother - it's always been all about her. same with my brother and my father wasn't that much different. Everything in my life seems like the opposite. all the timing of everything. I guess I should stop rambling now. But everyone has their limits. I've perservered. I've done a lot and I can never seem to get what I really need -- belonging, my own family, not have to work as hard, enjoy life. The very things I care about the most are taken from me. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I am not trying to get sympathy. This is how I feel.

Yep, I know much of what you feel.

I am quite an achiever in school, I won many CCA competitions and I graduated as one of the top 7 people in my batch. But what does all these add up to? What do I do next? I realised that everything ends up empty for me.

Then why were we ever born? Does the fault lie in the selfishness of our parents to have pleasure in sex and experience what it is like to be parents? Maybe it is just tragic that living organisms are programmed like this.

To make things worst, i hate myself. I am selfish to the extent that I feel happy when something bad happens to my close friends. I treat my family so badly even though they are so nice. I cant socialise like normal people do. Why the hell am I, who is like a biological defect with all the bad genes, born?
Natural selection will not take me out.
I am not worthy for my crush.
I have to learn the ways of a normal human, like articulating, enjoyment, how to express myself, how to stop sabotaging my team when playing sports etc.
I am socially awkward.
My IQ is low.
I am physically weak.
Why the hell does society allow me to live?

Perhaps, this is where i differ from you guys.

I hate myself. I've always hated myself for who i am. As such, i will not allow myself to live. Unless i change for the better. And so, i embarked on a project to pinpoint my weak point, observe people who are strong in that area and "implant" it into myself. This would be a long journey and it has been going on for 4 years. It is still going on now. What is amazing is that there is no end to this. Suddenly, the emptiness just left. Not that it left forever, i still feel it whenever i question the meaning of anything i do. I just want to improve myself.
I cant say that it will surely work but if you also hate yourself, why don't you try and redirect that hate to improving yourself?

One last thing before i end. I am naturally selfish. We all are. When my close friends get hurt/get into trouble, my heart overflowed with life.
I hid this fact by being a hypocrite. But the intense feelings to improve myself changed this.
Now, many says that I am selfless but I still think otherwise. I might seem to help others when there are no rewards to myself but the truth is as follows. I help people to hone my skills. Whether it is for communication, teaching skills etc. Whether they benefit from it, i honestly dont care. Recently, i even helped to pick up papers that a stranger accidentally dropped by instinct and my feelings about it: I didnt feel like i did something noble, i did not even think about pride. I always mumbled when talking to strangers and thought that it was an learning opportunity to talk to strangers. Am i satisfied? Yes, but not really. I just feel like i am a step closer to giving my personality a complete makeover.

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I have been fighting this gnawing feeling since I am 15 and at times, for periods of years, i have been able to keep it at bay, at the back of my mind by desperately convincing myself that there is something to live for, that humans are at heart kind and gentle and being filled with so much potential. I would envision an utopia and see myself as a piece mortar, a piece among many, that is needed to achieve this utopian dream; so desperately am I to realize this self-imposed destiny that i even took classes in counselling and worked as a teaching intern, hoping to mould young minds. I am 24 now and i have seen ****..humans are inherently selfish no matter how they dress it as generousity (& hypocrites to boot)..humans cannot change and will not change and will continue preserving a world where 'weak the flesh, the strong will eat'...Selfishness is needed to survive on Earth for it is forever changing and even if we were to advance scientifically, so much so as to control Earth itself, the stars and the universe are still beyond our control and thus, the reality of our being, of our situation requires selfishness in order for life to exist. So, in exchange for being alive, we have to accept selfishness and all the crap created by it. If we reject selfishness, then we will be rejection survival.That same feeling you are having now has returned once again and i can't fight it anymore; I have lost the will after having so much reality smeared across my eyes. The only reason why I have not commited suicide is that i have an aging mother who still loves me but at times i longed for death so much that i considered shooting her before shooting myself (she considers me her joy and my death will lead to hers). So it is not that you are abnormal for having these thoughts...we all do...most will 'outgrow' them but 'outgrowing' is merely sweeping the feeling under the carpet and decorating the carpet with ever more beautiful trophies and furnitures earned through the desperate trampling over others. You have fallen too deep into the rabbit hole...there is no ladder going back up there to the sweet bliss of innocent ignorance and the walls at this depth are too steep for you to try cawling......the only way out is to keep going deeper and i am sure you have pretty much hit the bottom and the bottom, death is the only way out. Thus, i reject selfishness.

THIS IS ME!

I feel the same way as well. I was oblivious as to what country I'm living in, but now I have the complete realization that it's full of corruption. The people I know are just unapologetic and nasty hypocrites. They are absolutely different from my friends who are kind, caring, and understanding. I don't have plans to be in a relationship and I never will. The place I'm in has limited freedom and independence which is a complete disappointment and a huge disgrace. I despise living in a world where society mistreats and judges people for the way they live and look. Reality sucks in a way that it forces me to become one of them when in fact I am a complete opposite. I just wish I was never born at all.

I so feel what u r going through my dad told me everyday that I was a f#### mistake & that he wished I was dead :( I tried really hard to try & get him to even like me, but never would, I even spent all my money trying to buy presents but mum & Dad hated me so much. But that is ok I have the biggest BROKEN heart but I've been told by my dad, to harden the **** up, I try all the time, but I always think of ways to kill myself because I feel like I'm in the way. I even found my husband a new woman that would be good for my girls, they are so beautiful & my grandson & son I law are amazing. love them to the moon & back but I'm not going any wear!!! I have the most amazing support from my amazing Husband he is my big ROCK!! & I have 2 amazing Girls, they are amazing & my Husbands Mum & Dad are the most beautiful people I ever know, the kindness was never in my family, but I have so much support, I'm so lucky!!!! But I still get so Sad that my own Blood could not even like me let alone love me, but no matter what I have the most amazing husband & family in the world, thank u guys so much, love u all so muchxxxxxxxxxxxxx so be strong, look harder at interests, to try & gain the position you want, there will be something there for you, think of what pleases you, then chase it, go hard, don't look back, you will succeed, that is garinteed.xxx

I cried my eyes out reading these words.. I have never been able to get the thought out of my mind & into words untill now. I can relate to this so well. You are special, even if the people around you cant see it. I know how u feel and i know what its like to feel alone.

I am amazed that there are so many people that feel the same way about being alive as I do. I had already decided at 10 (I am 50 now) that it would be better to die and "go to heaven" then to live. I'm agnostic now, so I drop the heaven-notion but just the peace of death is so appealing to me. My story is not one of abuse, illness or anything like that. I am employed, and my life isn't horrible. But yet, I just cannot shake this feeling that life is a prison and the hours and days are its cell bars. I don't have a personal "why" for being here. And I also resent being alive. If I had been asked, I would never have signed up for life. I have a sister and a cat who probably would miss me if I were gone, so I would feel bad about committing suicide. My hope is that I get cancer or something like that so I can refuse treatment and let it runs its course and solve the "problem" for me. I suppose that is suicide by lack of action, but hopefully its impact on my sister won't be as bad as suicide would be.

and what if there is no peace after death, this peace that is elusive, what if everything is worse after death. don't get me wrong I feel as you feel, literally! same ish thought process, except the heaven bit cos i believe, but never mind my beliefs what if there is no peace after death cos you believe nothing happens after death. im not attacking you in any way and your choices and beliefs are yours to make but i suppose i am concerned that because of these beliefs, when you do get this death we both wish for, that it doesnt end there

It is a possibility certainly that the hereafter is even worse than this life. If that's the case though, then experiencing it is inevitable. I long lived the logic of Pascal's wager figuring it was "safer" to live a good life in case there was a hell in the hereafter and then finding that there was none, than to live a "wicked" life thinking there was no punishment to come, only to find out after death, that I was wrong. But I am tired of my life being controlled by fear, especially fear of a hereafter that might not even exist.

I understand that logic but you're also right , we shouldn't live life being controlled by fear of the present, future or hereafter. See I believe in both heaven and hell and I've learned that it isn't about believing in God because I'm afraid to go to hell. On the contrary, it's about accepting God and therefore the peace and freedom that comes with that, knowing that:

one, no matter how difficult life is, He is right there with us, loving us ..and believe you me this, I know that can be hard to believe when everything around is just dragging and you just don't see the point and I'm right there with you, but I know no matter how I feel, this is truth which in itself is so freeing ...

and two, knowing that once this life is all done, I have the hope of finally being with God in heaven never to experience any the sadness and emptiness and 'hell on earth' as it were.


You see people often misunderstand God talking about hell, this place that supposedly exists and where people go after life. The purpose of it being mentioned wasn't to scare anyone or make them live in fear of it. It was said as a warning out of deepest love. I'll try explain with an analogy. Imagine you have a kid who love infinitely more than anything, more than life itself and will always love, and you're walking on the sidewalk and the kid wants to cross the road but you can see that there are so many cars coming and if he crosses now he will get hit and die. So you say 'wait don't cross the road now cos there are many cars coming and its very dangerous, you could get hit and die'. Now you see you're not saying that to make him afraid so he lives in fear. you're explaining to him a sequence of events that will happen because you love him and because you don't want any harm to come to him.
You also say to him 'wait, walk with me, and I will make sure we cross the road and you'll be safe and nothing will happento you ' both things you said cos of deepest love. It is a similar concept God telling us about heaven and hell.

see I'm right there with you with how you feel about life, perhaps not exactly the same but like you I struggle with wanting to be alive, wishing for its end (which btw is not how God wants me feeling, He wants good things for us, but no matter what or how I feel right now, He is here with me, and I know He is working to take me through this in Love)
But I know it's important to consider life after death and therefore choose what and who I believe in and thus live my life in accordance (not talking of perfection or not making mistakes). I've taken heed to the warning but I don't live in fear of that. On the contrary I live in hope and freedom knowing that one day all of this bullcrap will be done with and I will be with the One who is Love and life would be nothing but peace and joy and just everything good

I'm not trying to throw my beliefs or anything about God or anything in your face. I wanted to explain because although we don't know each other,I do care like I care for my siblings, that when death comes, you end up with God never to experience the pain or sorrow of life again and I know more than that, God cares and will always care. You may not believe in Him but He believes in you and loves you despite anything you may have done or how you feel or the difficulties of life.
My point and hope is that you perhaps reopen and revisit things of such nature which you chose to put aside and see what you find out😊

Though I can't say that I share your hope in God and heaven, Vaughnli, I thank you for caring! Best wishes to you on your life journey.

Perhaps not now, maybe one day, at least that is my hope. Our lives are.......hard, only people like us understand what it is to feel as we do, but I do hope you find..... peace, through it all and best wishes to you too x

2 More Responses

I feel exactly the same im 40 and thought the feeling would leave me, infact its getting
worse :'(

I frequently feel this way although people tell me I am being ridiculous

I don't have any illness, or disability, at least that I could tell. But, same as you (all of you, in the comments as well), I can't appreciate the world. I have some close friends and hobbies that I fully enjoy. I legitimately feel happy when I'm with them. But the rest of the day, the other days of the week, I feel empty. All my life people have told me "you're talented, you will have an easy life if you put your heart into it" (basically). But when I tell them that there's no point of being "talented" when you can't even have meteo small talk with people at work, or school before that, they just say "naaah, you just have to practice. Just be yourself". But there's no point. I get it, small talk exist to pass time and to start an actual debate, but I don't see the point. If I'm not interested, I can't act like I am.It's not a random fact that one of my favorite show of all time is Monk. The writers got it just right with this character. In one of the episodes, he says : "I am not suicidal. I just wish I was never born". I cannot agree more. There is a difference. Same as him, I am not suicidal. I don't want to put a knife in my chest or jump down a hill. I don't have the courage nor the will, and especially I don't want to hurt my family and friends. I just don't want to live life. I don't have the motivation to live it. And it's not even the fact that "there is no point of living" like sudo-philosophers like to say, but I can't find a personnal reason. Not having the motivation to live while also not wanting to die... It's the worst feeling in the world. At least when I was sad or even depressed, I could talk, laugh, and feel better. But this emptiness never goes away.Just like one of the comments, I am the last child. And even if I was never told, I always felt like an accident. I was loved, I guess, it's really not the problem, but every day I imagine what my room would look like if I wasn't there. Where would my parents be and what they would be doing. They wouldn't be sad, since I wouldn't exist. Maybe they would be in a even worse place, heck, I don't know, you can never know. But I don't feel necessary. I'm just that guy. That weird guy.18 years old, and I'm already saying things like that on a random forum on the Internet. It saddens me. It really does. I'll get better, I always do. It's just sadness. But I'll always feel empty, and nobody can talk me out of it.

I feel the same...

crap, no edit button. sorry for the double post.
i was born to someone who is mentally ill (and learning disabled, though i can't hold that against anyone in good conscience) and not capable of taking care of/providing for her own existence, let alone my own. dad bailed out quick, i saw him maybe once or twice a year but never developed much of a connection with either of them. the only reason i made it through the horrible rural school system was because my mother's parents have the resources to provide for us. i had to live in a house alone with her through my childhood, very isolated (rural area=no houses to walk to, and she wouldn't have let me anyway, i bet), the perfect recipe for unchecked abuse. now i have my own serious mental health issues, i know i should have been aborted (her life would be better, and i wouldn't have to deal with existing), and i have no real desire to make my own life better because, well, why should i? there's no point to any of this. i have at times felt at least ok with existing because of some close friends and good experiences, but ultimately i have to come "home" at the end of it, and "home" is the worst place for me to be. if things are just gonna get worse again, what's the point of trying to ever make them better? life is just a huge tease, you get a taste of something good and then it's back to the same old bull.

FYI, to edit a post, you have to click on the text itself. You'll know it for the next time. :-)

Yes, I fully know this state of being, & have long since stopped trying to convey this reality to others..... It is the ultimate & deepest of depressiveness, & arises from a deep sense that everything seems futile..... there have been moments where one tries to fight this sense of pointlessness by pursuing achievable contentment in the form of, say, focus on a career or interest, but ultimately it's felt to be a fruitless aim, leading to a powerful & painful battle of conflict (fighting being this way), which is then felt as anger. I feel this way a lot, as if everything is pointless & futile, boring...... But like yourself would not commit suicide. I have heard the condition happening to OLD SOULS, WHO HAVE BEEN HERE MANY, MANY TIMES, & ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS INTERESTING ANYMORE, & I honestly feel that something new is needed, in a way that I barely sense rather than knowing what I should do differently. Sorry for long ramble, & the awkwardness with which I have attempted to convey my thoughts..... THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FULLY SHARED THIS WITH SOMEONE ELSE...... I'M ALSO AUTISTIC WHICH COMPROMISES MY ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE! Amanda J

I consider autism as nature's grand experiment to create genius who can envision and create. Dear Amanda are you one of nature's success stories?

When you try to explain to people how you feel, they try to talk you out of it. Or they try to talk you into a different view. I will not. I know what you are saying. I have always, since I was a young child, felt like I did not belong here. I know that I was an "accident" ... a late baby in the family. Did my parents voice that and it stuck with me? I do not know. But things have never felt right in this life. Not REAL. Like I was taking part in some stage performance. There is a disconnect. If not for my loved ones and my animals, I would not remain. And if I the "last one, " I am going to leave of my own volition. I do not belong here: Never have, never will. Good luck.

I don't belong here either, & among the only things keeping me here is my cat & occasional deep glimpse at the beauty of animals & flowers....... AJ

I think that if I just went away, nobody would even care except for those I have forced obligations to.

What an odd thing, and even stranger that we all found this site. I googled "I never wanted to be born", and landed here.
Who the hell does that? Well, I guess I do.
Since I was a very young boy, I have questioned the reason for my existence. I have photo like snapshots in my head of time. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, when I was about 6 or 7 years old, thinking "I can't live like this anymore". Another instance I recall, was asking my mother, when I was 4 years old "Mom, what's a soul?". She gave me some simple answer, appropriate for my age. Then she asked me "Why do you ask?". I clearly remember answering "Because I think I lived before, and I was a soldier, Mom." WTF????
Out of body experiences when I was very young, floating above myself. I remember bouncing a basketball in my driveway, at maybe 7 or 8. I floated out of myself, and was looking down, watching the ball go up and down, with a distant sound, like I was watching a basketball game from the bleachers in a gym.
So many good people have died, and left me here. I'm married, with two stepkids, but I feel so alone.
Alcoholic, pot smoker, Bipolar since birth. I am 42 now. How long will it go on?
I have engaged in every insanely dangerous hobby you can name, save for BASE jumping, or something. I've been a microsecond from death a hundred times, and it's the only time I feel truly alive.
I don't get it, and we won't find answers here.
It is comforting, and yet disturbing to find a site like this.
Normally misery likes company, but I wouldn't wish this on any of you.
Be as well as you can. We all go someday.

I wish the same. I just can not get the reasons I was onthis earth. Same routine and same faces but different heart. I was thinking of relocating to a place were technology does not matter and having all natural resources. I doubt there are places like that. Just don't know what happened after death... My only set back. Also I take care of my mum and started securing my properties for her incase I choose to take my life. I don't want her to struggle if am gone. I have know one to talk to aside nagging girlfriend who does not want to listen to anything aside career. I even feel she is cheating. My dad died last yr and wish he can at least for putting me in this world mess, he can tell me wassup there. That is all I wish for. There is nothing to fight for in this world and see people hating each other and less concern about prison of life. I feel I am in a jail unless I do sth about it. I don't see that anyone luv me. Not a single soul. Be more careful when they say I luv u. Same way as a girlfriend say u can call me anytime but that is when they switch their fon because they want cheat. Everyone hv a reason to be nice... Don't fall for it.. I am watchful of those that are close. Before I wished for dozen of children. The dream is no longer there not because of wealth but will they like this world or hate it. I hate probabilities. I really don't do well there so I don't gamble. Recently British couple gun themselves. One their suicide note they said they have no reason to live. If u give give me a reason I will live. Now I hv no reason to carry on. I see my time so close. Luv u brothers

Look at the big picture ...the plain obvious truth.... hospitals and nursing homes are filled to capacity due to car accidents,wars,natural disasters and diseases ...millions of people are suffering and many people live in those institutions their entire life paralized in bed or painfully suffering every day wishing they were never born but they don't have the courage to kill themselves. Over 10 million suicides occur every year world wide...10,000,000...[google it to see for yourself]..and it's wrong that they had to be born to suffer in this evil world in the first place. One third of the world population have no kids and want no kids because they realize reproduction and suffering is wrong. Ever since the world began the number of people severely suffering continues to keep multiplying larger every year as the population keeps growing and it can only continue to get worse. All these facts and statistics should be taught to children in public schools before they reach reproduction age but its not taught because the pro-lifers do not want children to know about these truths because the pro-lifers have no morals....the pro-lifers are ignorant irresponsible people who only want to satisfy themselves and cause harm to other people. Most people are born from teenage mothers who are too young to know any better and when they get older many of them realize they made a mistake by having kids in the first place because public schools and their pro-life parents never taught them any better and the reproduction continues one generation after the next. It's like the blind leading the blind. Children are legally entitled to be taught and know these facts therefore it is now time that we have to bring lawsuits to force the government to teach these facts to children in schools the same way lawsuits forced god and prayers out of public schools and abortion was legalized. If all these facts were taught in schools it would stop most of the reproduction. New lawsuits can also make it illegal to reproduce or to use public medicaid and medicare to pay for infertility and pregnantcy medical services except abortion. If you do not believe in the abortion pill you should not have sex. Over 20 million abortions occur every year worldwide. If mothers truly love their children they would not bring their kids into this world of suffering and chaos. No one has any right whatsoever to bring another human being into this world who did not ask to be born. If there is a god and if god created earth he certainly dose not need us humans to create other people ....he can create humans out of thin air or thru vigin mothers if he really wanted to the very same way the Christians claim that jesus was born. In the 12th centrury society killed Christians for having religious fantacy pro-life beliefs. Psychologists say that pro-life people are insane confused people. Retarded people reproduce defective babies. Mental institutions and prisons are overflowing adding to the chaos. Live your own life instead of concerning yourself with reproducing other people. There is nothing.....absolutely nothing on earth that we need so why bring other people here to suffer for nothing. We deserve a perfect world ...or no world at all. Many people especially the crippled and elderly say they would never want to come back to this evil world even if there was no suffering on earth. The next massive meteor that hits the earth will severely injur most of the world population causing even more widespread suffering. Mankind is flying rocket ships into outer space trying to live on other planets in his thrill seeking perverted search for materialistic glory but he is just waisting his time because where ever physical humans travel in the physical universe there will be physical suffering. Animals and humans are both driven by pre-programed reproductive genetic instinc ....it makes them both think they have to reproduce. It is time in your life to evolve and realize that reproduction is not logical, fair, legal or moral regardless if god, alliens or evolution started life on earth and you must learn to control your genetic reproduction instinc instead of instinc controling you. It's time to be proud to teach your kids,grand kids and other people about all these undisputable facts. Many pro-lifers are simply too dumb or retarded and will never stop reproducing even in countries like china were reproduction is illegal. Eventually when enough intelligent people realize all these facts revolution will occur and mankind will find a way to totally destroy this evil planet of genetic reproduction as they attempted to do in the 12th centrury so no one including the prolifers will ever have to come to this world of suffering and chaos again. This is the only solution for the benefit of all humanity. After the world ends the pro-lifers will never miss or know what they thought they needed. Pass this letter along to other people to direct them to this university graduate website at vhemt.org Contact me at v19191911@yahoo.com

I wish this ****** life would just end. For now I am not ready to suicide since I just don't feel like it and maybe am too scared too end my life, but if someone would tell me I would die tomorrow I would careless. I despise most humans walking on this earth, their are just plain selfish and uncaring. Especially those whom you never expected to ever backstab you, like your own family. Disgusting ... Life really is just ****. And in my eyes ppl that suffer depression are actually the more clear headed ppl, their mind tries to reject and deny this filthy construct of lies and pain, which we call a life. To be honest there is nothing to enjoy in life, all the luxuries we the western countries posses has been grown on the bloody backs of children and adults of 3rd world countries. And we, thus life in the 1st world than again carry the mighty ones on our hands, while crawling on our knees, face down in our own blood and the blood of those we sacrificed, as well as our sweat. We just love to suck it all up, what dirt of the silver plates of our idols we are given, we will enjoy, saviour and crave for. This world is just so wrong and scary! Truly a godless world, without love, comfort and caring. Everyone is the closest to themselves. Being doomed to live on this planet is like burning in hell, there shouldn't be much difference to what religious people believe in, what hell is like. And the funny thing every time you feel like something is going good and you somewhat feel okay, something ultimative bad happens, like being a pawn in a stupid game, ridicules. And all this shame full people hiding behind the excuse of being just an animal for being a scumbag, disgrace full. Well if your are an animal than stop wearing closes and live in the woods, hunt kill with your bare hands, do what ever you want. End-

I wish i was never been born either,<br />
Because i Always ruin evrything for evrybody. <br />
If i was never born people would be a lot happier.

I have had the same exact thoughts ever since I could remember. I'm not depressed. I don't want to die. I just really wish i had never been forced into life in the first place, without any regard to whether I even wanted to be here at all in the first place. Its extremely selfish to force life into someone who doesnt want it. At least thats how I feel. Maybe not all of us were really supposed to be born.

Maybe some of us might have died early like at childhood, so their soul or something wasn't meant to be bound to their earthly body, which results into a state like depression etc.. Just a theory. xD

I think it's selfish to bring someone to life and neglect them, abuse them, and use their pain to your advantage, and then blame them for their failures/problems. Why have a kid if you're just going to treat him/her like garbage? If I have a child I'm going to take care of it, or not have one at all.

I wish I had not been born.

I don't want to die because people will be sad for me. I just wish I hadn't been born. I feel horrible for feeling like this because I have everything. But I don't have many friends. My two best friends are the best I could ever ask for. My other 'best' friend is... O.K. But only because he (yes, girls can have guy friends) hurt my feelings (I sound like a 6 year old) and it means a lot coming from him. I told my crush who I 'loke' (not quite love, stronger than like) that I like him. We were friends before but then he stopped talking to me. After that is when everything fell apart. I was never completely happy before that but after that I realized how much people hate me and how nobody really likes me. How little I serve in life. How horrible life is. "Theres nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad." -Anonymous
This is how I feel. All the time.

God get over it, an unrequired crush is really not that painfull, we could switch, I would give a lot for just being able to feel something emotional like love and attachment for someone.

I feel exactly that way, the only difference in my life is that I have a lovely daughter who is on 6 yrs. Perhaps I should forget about myself and just for her live this life.

Bullshit never do that in the end you are just trying to realize your dreams via your daughter, no matter what you say now, but giving yourself up for someone else always means that you are trying to relize yourself within them. You becomemnthem and they become you.

Yes!! Feel exactly the same way..People say God never does mistakes, but that's not true.He did a biggest mistake by giving me this ****** life..I absolutely hate my life..I really wish i was Never born

I know you aren't looking for sympathy, and trust me, I've felt similar to how you have. But I really think you need to start thinking of life as something more than just an obstacle you have to overcome, something that you don't just glide through. I'm now a very happy person and simply through recognition of beauty and happiness in little things, I am significantly more carefree and happy. I know that you can't control your thoughts, hell, I've wished I can many times, but think about it this way- you were put on this earth whether you like it or not, so why not try and make the most of it? If you like music, go to as many damn concerts as you can. Listen to your favorite bands and artists non stop. If you like to read, read! I have plenty of great books to recommend. Stop thinking of life as such a short lived thing. Life is only as long as you chose to be present, to live. Although time goes fast and it seems like your whole life is awaiting death, why not try and enjoy it while you can? Seek out people who enjoy what you enjoy, love what you love, and try to make relationships. I'm sorry if I offended you or am undermining you at all in this. I really don't mean to. I've just been where you are before and know that it can be overcame.

Yes! I want to die most of the time.....have been through sooo much crap and yes its made me stronger ...but not happier because when things go right ...it's a short lived pseudo happiness ....I'm perpetually sad even if I'm smiling. Wish I was a tree, a rock ....anything to not feel. Life is crap .

I feel this way too. I have a friend who is kind of like this, but not quite the same. I feel like very few things that are done with other people are enjoyable. I find it tedious and tiring, always trying to talk to people about this and that. I find myself wishing I was never born when I'm thrown into those types of situations; the type of situation in which everybody else is super excited to go to, but I'm just dreading it. I've slowly been removing myself from those situations, but at the cost of those friends, which I've found doesn't really matter. I guess I like hanging out in a quiet environment with a couple close friends as opposed to a loud bar or club. To me, being alone is much more satisfying, albeit I still find myself wishing I had never been born. I think it's just an overall disappointment with life that causes this feeling. Nothing is as fun as it should be. Nothing is special or interesting for an extended period of time. It's all just boring. At least, that's my take on it.

I do, however, have one thing that I enjoy doing. I'm saving it for a special time though, when I get everything in my life sorted out.

As a child, I was mute. I wouldn't talk to anybody in pre-school due to the fear of being ridiculed by my peers. As I got older, I begin to talk, but the shyness, and social anxiety was still there.

The last friend I had was in middle school. Even prior to middle school, I wasn't very popular. I was probably the least popular person at my school, because I didn't talk much. People saw me as the kid who didn't socialize or talk to people. I had no real friends in high school. I did have people I would talk to but they were all extremely mean to me.

I've never had a girlfriend, and I am 24 years old. I've given up on being friends with males because I don't really care about male friendship. I only care about finding a cute girl to love. That's my main priority. To be realistic, I'll probably never find a girlfriend, and i'll probably die never having experienced romantic love.

I'll never have a kid because mental illness runs in my family and I don't want to pass that onto my kid. I have a few uncles who are as reclusive as I am despite not being very shy. I have a brother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia a while back, and he's more reclusive than I am. I at least can talk. My brother doesn't say a word to anyone, and avoids eye contact.

I noticed something really weird the past few years. It's been really difficult for me to articulate words, and to speak in coherent sentences. I guessing this is due to not speaking to people over a long period of time. Sometimes I go months without speaking to anybody. It basically ruined my social skills.


I wish I were never born, because I hate myself. I hate my intelligence, my personality, my appearance, my lack of social skills, my voice, ect.

I never contemplated suicide until a few years back. I actually thought about it and wondered if I could actually go through with it. I was trying to find a reason to do it, because If I had a choice, I would prefer non-existence over the mediocre life I have. I don't even know why I am still around. I guess it's because I am too much of a coward to kill myself.

Try reading to overcome your loss of speaking abilities. It could change your continuously negative thoughts too. Having sentences and phrases run through your mind daily through reading will help stabilize your sentence structures.

I do!!! I am a 42yr old woman and i have very similiar views. I began hating my life and being alive at the age of 11yrs. That is when the worst of my panic attacks began. I was receiving an award in front of the entire sunday school classes at church. My muscles tremored uncontrollably and my eyes felt like they were 'rolling' back in my head. I couldnt speak or stand still! I was terrified! At this point, all i can remember is the loud, relentless laughter that still haunts me to this day. The most disturbing thing though, is that NO ONE came to check on me after i ran out of the building to the parking lot crying! That was the beginning of my desire for my own end. After surviving a suicide attempt in 1995, i am diagnosed with panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and bipolar disorder. I had been also diagnosed with other hereditary disorders that would ruin whatever plans i may have had for my life. Because these things are genetic and due to my own condition, i have no desire to make another soul suffer as i have and still do. People think im selfish because i dont want to have kids. I grew up with bullying issues that were so bad, i have no self-esteem, just self hate. Bullying was a big part of the reason that i wanted to kill myself. To this day, it is difficult for me to describe what bullies did to me growing up. Ive lost hope in most things, though i try to trust in God. I live day by day and thank God that all of this will end one day and hopefully then, ill find the peace in the arms of Jesus Christ, something i could never find here on earth.

I wish I was never born.

I have felt that way off and on my whole life. Exactly that way.

Yes I may not have your feelings or philosophy as a whole in regard to bearing with the reality of life on earth. Many events that happened to one's life are in many way without relating to what is right or wrong. As an example, how one thinks and behaves is mainly decided by his genes which may be beyond his control - like compulsive gambling, drug addition and dangerous sexual desire - that can spell trouble in life. Just like one's IQ or EQ, there is no way to change it regardless of how hard we try.

I came out my moms vagina feet first so obviously I wasn't too happy about being born. Then I was so sick as a baby I nearly died now that's a sign this life is not for me. Now because I didn't die I always thought maybe there is a reason for that , maybe I am going to be a special person have a testimony I should of die but I didn't like those people have seen and heard of so I kept hopes up. As I get older i realized I am no one special I was suppose to die at birth but I didn't and according to God or the universe which ever you believe in according to their record I'm dead. I pray but my prayers are ignored so if there is a God he doesn't recognize me as an existing person but as a dead one. It ****** me off that I have been good .... The good daughter ,the good friend, the good sister , the good helper, the good supporter, all these good have done I am never gonna get any reward for that because I am dead! I can't catch a break nowhere and I'm not complaining its just frustrating that I've been waiting and keeping hopes alive and at the end I get **** because all the good I've done was in vain and nothing good back might never happen to me. So yes back to the point I do wish I was dead because if I was physically dead then I couldn't feel no pain no hurt I wouldn't be here dreading this everlasting hell that I'm going threw daily when even as a unborn child even as a fetus I hated the thought of being alive I guess I had a sense of how bad things were going to be for me.

I feel the same way. I didn't want to be born as soon as I emerged from the birthing canal. I was breathing fine. I took one look around and then held my breath until my face turned blue. I knew this was a losing battle to begin with.

I have a career and hobbies and a loving relationship, but am constantly frustrated, saddened and angered by the world around me which I see as dysfunctio al and antagonistic on almost every level, from aggressive drivers on the road that make me feel like Im going to die every time I start my car all the way up the spectrum to war, famine, rape, kidnapping, murder, the cannabalism of our planet, the corruption of politics, greed, money, selfishness. I feel that I am a good person that just wants peacefulness and happiness, but when I look at the world, I see it becoming progressively worse.

My girlfriend wants kids. I wish I was never born. Why then would I want to force this world onto an innocent child?

Holy cow this sounds exactly like me (aside from the holding my breath part after birth). To me, the world is owned by a select few barbarians who control the rest of the world like slaves. We don\'t call ourselves slaves though, we call ourselves (proudly) the \"working class/middle class\". We have other, lighter terms for it too, like \"blue collar\" \"white collar\" and \"upper middle class\" that help us feel better about our situation. The way I feel is we are simply slaves for the elite of this world. Their nationalities aren\'t important, because they come from many countries. We are simply slaves to them, just like the kings had their peasants long ago. Nothing has changed, and nothing will change in the regard.

Regarding \"war, famine, rape, kidnapping, murder, the cannabalism of our planet, the corruption of politics, greed, money, selfishness\"- I also feel this way. My girlfriend also wants a child but I see no reason to provide the barbarians of this world with another slave. Whether my child would become a doctor, a politician, a mathematician, or a police officer, he\'d be simply working for the innately corrupt and unfair system. And my child would be born for what? So that he/she could then provide another child/children for the system?

I wish I was never born because I think life is pointless, bland, boring, and disappointing. I barely find anything fun as I did when I was a kid. Society is selfish, greedy, ignorant, and a pathetic excuse for \"civilization.\" People are fake, vain, materialistic and shallow. I wish I was never born.

I\'m in the same boat as you regarding having a child. I wish I was never born, but my girlfriend wants a kid. Holy **** how do I justify having a kid!?!

It's funny, The same exact feeling You have - I started having it at the age oF 19. The feeling grows stronger Everyday. Life is meaningless, Whatever way you look at it. Even iF i have someone close to me, who is completely like me, understanDs me, i will be afraid of that person Cause i am afraid of Losing, I get The feeling i Am losing more and more everyday. ...., thus life still becomes Meaningless, Life is not the fantasy i thought it was when i was A child,.. . cause It's full of imperfect people, situations,. .. And I am imperfect too. ... Gone are the days when i had the confidence that i could win and turn over everything. ..

I feel exactly the same. I am in the UK have an MSc, two degrees and still cannot find a job. I used to imagine what my life would be like, after graduation, working, and travelling, some more. But now, I don't feel I could ever be happy. Looking outside myself, and analysing what it means to be human I can't help feeling that it is quite disgusting. I have fantastic friends, am very social, but still I do not see the point of it all. We are so controlled, and even the information we gain about the world around us, though governments, historians and the media may well be untruthful. I feel like a farm animal, I feel so cynical about the social constructs that make our lives so controlled. I am from the western world, but am not sure the western world is such an innocent or truthful place to be. The only humans that seem to get anywhere are the people who will do anything to gain that power. Our lives are now controlled by big business, governments which are full of self seeking people: not representatives of the people -which means that we are now living in an fragmented society where not everyone gets the same opportunities in life. I do not fear death, but welcome it. I would jump from a very high building or travel to a place with a very high mountain, tomorrow, feel the wind in my hair as I fall to blissful oblivion. now if it was not for my Aunt and closest friend; whose brother committed suicide -so of course, I could not do that to her. If I do something I will do it after my Aunt has passed away. Hopefully, my friend will get married and will have less need for me. It is funny, I would leave this world this second if it wasn't for three people: said Friend, said Aunt, and fiance -I couldn't do it to him either. I hope we can breakup -have tried to get him to do it, but he gets upset, which then makes me upset. I don't want to hurt it.

I feel this way too...I once had a lot of friends a great gf a good job and i messed it all up...I had a bad family life so I did not talk to my family for a few years and only had my gf...I slowly lost all my friends and only had my gf but her family did not like me and we broke up because of them she didn't even care...now I have no one...I already planned my suicide and its just a matter of time before I kill myself by taping a hose to my muffler that will lead inside my car

I hate myself and I want to die but fear of failure stops me from trying as well. Life is a colossal waste of time and I'm actually happy about the getting old because the sooner I die the better. Not living, just killing time.

If I had the choice I would have wished my parents did not have me. Especially since my dad didnt not even stick around for the life he forced into this world. My mom once said I was the best thing she ever did. I wanted to tell her I wish I was not here.

Its selfish to brings kids into the world, so if you do, you'd better do everything you can for them.

Me! Me! I feel the same way too! Everything feels pointless and not being born is different from dying, so yeah, I'd love not be born.

Wow. This sounds like something I could write. Exactly. I don't consider myself depressed. I'm living each day and enjoying what I can. But, if you showed me a button I could push to undo my existence, I wouldn't need a second's thought.

I sent you a message, if you would open up and repent the truth...it is the only advice yo will ever need.

**** your religious bullshit enjoy deluding yourself while we actually have real discussions.

I here you. My sentiments exactly. I wish I was never born. I am bipolar and have had failed attempts to secure a great career. I work in the clerical department and don't feel stimulated enough. I have gone to school and had too many manic episodes followed by extreme extreme lows that cause me to constantly HATE life. At one point, I occupied all my time working because I had nothing else I could find myself interested in. However, when I am manic, I am a different person. I feel like I am privileged to feel how most people that are successful feel(when hypomanic) and also how depressed people feel(mostly attributed to being lazy). When I am high, I like physical activity but when I am depressed I think it is stupid to climb a mountain or kayak. So in a way my brain is stuck in two different worlds. To make it worse, I am a single mother of a 11 year old. I have to be strong for her and live for her so I try to muster up some courage to live but it is SO SO hard. I know it is survival of the fittest and my genes are not very strong. However, I have HOPE at times. I am 36 years old and once again have applied to a school. This time I am on a new med and I promised myself I would stay on it despite some weight gain.

I wrote a diary after getting these same "vibes", called therapyforthelivingdead - eventually living with anger, depression, stress, anxiety which all feed each other and drag you further down the rabbit hole, but doesn't finish you off, you become a living zombie with just enough 'smile' energy to convince people you aren't who you really are. I've had the therapy, I've tried to change me, add goals (nlp etc), but ultimately, and the nay sayers are right, "you have to want it", and none of us really see the point. I don't wish I was never born though, I just don't think I 'should' have been born.

So, I sit here on NYE in my office reading these, writing this, picturing people on the Thames in London waving their flags enjoying the fireworks, and I picture myself, on a bench, on a big hill, looking out, with a dog sat next to me. Maybe the other google search I did was right, maybe I am not human. I've stopped wishing for more now, I've just accepted that there is no big win here, take each morsel of happiness you find in life, but don't bother chasing it, it evaporates like a puff of smoke as soon as you do, and just leaves you back at square one. Happy new year. Here we go again.

Existential boredom is the name, I believe.

I feel the exact same way. I don't know how late this is, but I just keep living because suicide would be messy and I don't even have the courage or desire to kill myself. But really, life just seems so pointless. I often dream of giving everything up, leaving, and never coming back. But I'm spineless. I do wish I could undo my birth. I hate everything about myself and my life. I can't think of anything GENUINELY good about myself or my life. I try to count my blessings, but whereas most people would count being alive as a blessing, I see it as a curse. I'm glad in not starving. Or really poor. Or ill. But that doesn't change the unhappiness I'm going through. I feel like any happiness I've had is fake and foolish because it was always ridiculously short. Anyway, I'm glad to know there are others out there. All we can do is continue to exist and try to let go of the tensions.

I agree with a lot of this. I wish that I had never been born...fine but, unfortunately I was and I can't hit undo, life does not work that way. I am lucky that I have a few friends and, I would rather live than see them upset...so I'll have to put up with breathing for a little while longer...

Life is absolutely worthless. I was only happy when I was really young. My parents got divorced when I was 8 and it's been a downward spiral ever since. I wanted to kill myself in fourth grade. I have never been truly happy since then. I resent my parents for having me and also for never letting me have a true family life. My parents tell me they love me and I don't reciprocate any of their feelings. I don't even tell them I love them back when they say it. My Dad always wants to spend time with me and I know it's ungrateful but sometimes I wish he would just stay out of my life. I can't relate to him or my mother at all. At least my mom allows me to spend time with my friends. I am glad I have a few friends, and at least one actually gives a **** about me. It gives me no solace though because I am a guy and so is he and I don't think I would ever want to be in a relationship with him. He also told me I was predictable today. Thanks man. All I want is to love someone and have them tell me they love me too. But that will never happened. Any girl I've ever dated has simply left me within a couple of weeks. One never had feelings for me at all and told me I was a bad kisser. She also said I was predictable. I really have no self confidence at all though. The one thing I want will never happen because I'm a forlorn human being who is not attractive and isn't enough for anyone. I don't believe in god either. If god was real he wouldn't treat us like ******* ****. If he is real then he can suck a ****. He condemned me to this stupid ******* life for what? For his enjoyment? For the enjoyment of my parents? What the **** is the point of that if I am never happy. I don't care if it sounds selfish how the **** is it selfish to not want to exist if all I'll feel is pain. I don't want to actually kill myself though. I'm too much of a coward. Not only that but I think I would fail and end up worse like you said. Or that if I was killing myself some way near the end I would regret it. Or that people will find me. I would jump out a ******* building if I knew there wouldn't be rubbernecks looking at me. I have contemplated my Dad's gun but he would find me. The other reason I couldn't do it is I have the stupid ******* belief that someday; someday someone will love me. It's such a ******* stupid belief. The universe doesn't owe us a ******* thing but we think it does because of how arrogant we are. Yet I still think one day it'll turn out for me like in one of the Beatle's songs. I just wish I had never been born. It would be so easy to not exist. I wouldn't have to think about any of this **** or be the ******* awkward loser I am now. Somebody love me. Somebody make me happy. Please.

i love you &lt;3

Thank you so much random stranger I love you too it means a lot. This is still me buy from a different account because I couldn't remember my ******* password. It's funny. I don't hate my mom anymore I love her now. I know she genuinely cares for me. I'm not involved with my dad anymore though because he is such a *****. It's funny though it really is. I thought that loving someone would solve all my problems. Now I love a girl and she loves me back but she hurts even more than I do. She's told me why and it kills me inside so much to know that there is nothing I could ever do to reverse her sadness. I couldn't leave her although if she hadn't shown me her pain I might have been spared some myself. I love her too much to ever do that. It's so horrible that all I want to do is not exist. I'm so tired of feeling only pain and anger. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. It kills me inside. If I could have chose not to exist I would have done it in a heartbeat and that's why I can never have kids. I don't want anyone to ever feel this pain. All I feel is pain. La tristesse durera toujours.

You are definitely NOT alone in feeling this way - I feel this way too. Only when i gave myself space during my therapy sessions to really understand myself did i truly profoundly feel the devastation of my soul. The truth that underpinned all the pain in my life - I never asked to be alive and given the option i would have chosen NOT to live!! I have had a massive fear of death since i could remember (my therapist says it's anxiety) therefore i would never commit suicide. But i truly feel devastated to my core that i am alive. I have a lot of anger towards my parents and their decision to have me (ungrateful as that sounds) i cannot hide that black hole within my heart that reminds me before i go to sleep that i have to die one day and what exactly is the purpose of living????

On another level this has prevented me from having children. How could i live with myself if i brought another soul into this world that has the same devastation that i feel? I couldn't take that chance.

I have a loving husband and i live life to the fullest but deep down if i had a choice i wouldn't be here at all. I wouldn't say i am depressed and i don't hate life but some days are a lot harder than others to get through.

I am very spiritual person - not religious (i won't go into my true feeling about religion) but this is such an over-whelming feeling that i have had since i was a child and as i know for sure i am alive and i will die one day. I feel so sad when i think of all those people dying of an incurable disease and here i am, healthy and supposedly happy (to everyone else), but wish i was never born. It sickens me but again this is the guilt i live with everyday. From the outside i live a comfortable life, i have a great relationship with my husband, great friends, worthwhile hobbies that keep me smiling, but nothing numbs the pain of not wanted to have been born at all.

This is the first time i have spoken about this matter it as there isn't much response from people who have no understanding of the matter so this post was well received. Thank you. I know that no words can ever fill the void inside that will make this alright. This, i feel, is the disease of the soul and i feel my soul crying everyday!!

There's hardly a day that goes by when I don't have some passive suicidal thought..."I wish I'd never been born," or "What if I deliberately wrecked my car," etc. Most of the time I feel like a prisoner inside my head and am unable to truly connect with people. I try to think of ways to fill my life with purpose, but it all seems so pointless and meaningless. I suspect that most of my disconnection and despair comes from my low sense of self-worth that borders on self-loathing. Yet, I find as I read these posts so filled with angst and despair, I cherish a glimmer of hope. There is a certain conviction that perhaps my purpose in life is not ephemeral happiness, but lasting joy and contentment born of a life helping others.

Hi Philliebuster,
How are you nowadays? As for me, I still struggling with my depression and an addiction as well! I've gotten worse and see no end in sight!! I'm still getting help though and hopefully you are too if you're still in this battle.

I feel exactly the same way. Although I am way worse off than you are... I wish I wasnt born and I wish I could kill myself because life is pointless, meaningless and futile as well as full of pain and suffering.

Yes I also feel this way. I suspect many others do to but most people make you feel a freak for feeling this way, as if life is easy, as if it's not grueling, tedious, humiliating and ultimately pointless. Most people dump on other people to get through this mess and then call these people weak for not being as tough. CHECKMATE.

I also have wished to have never been born. My birth itself was just a desperate attempt by my mother to improve her empty marriage. By doing this she not ruined her own life but dragged me down as well. When I try find one reason to cling to life , one reason to want live, I can't. I have never had one happy memory, all I remember, all I know is this pain. I don't have single person to touch me in my loneliness. I have always been a fool, being nothing but nice to people and all they have done is use me. I feel that even the blood of my family members has run cold. I want nothing more than to go back and just not have exist at all. Saying that I want to die would not be correct because if I die I will still have to be judged for my action and it is sad to say that I am unworthy of anything positive even after death.

Hello to everyone. I can totally identify with everything written on the blog and on the comments, and I admire everyone's honesty and courage. For what it may be worth there is a philosophical movement called Antinatalism, which argues that life is an inherently pointlessness experience characterised by suffering, and that humanity should desist from procreating so as to spare future needless pain. For anyone who might find relief in escaping the personal perspective, check out the following sites:<br />
<br />
http://saynotolife.blogspot.co.uk/<br />
<br />
http://antinatalism.blogspot.co.uk/

I feel the exact same way. I feel life is like swallowing awful medicine, just get over it as quickly<br />
As possible.

Ugh. I feel you. Life seems so futile to me. Procreation is a self indulgent act for people who can't accept the inevitability of death and want to carry on living through their offspring and so on. Similarly..i'm aware of how selfish and unappreciative I am...that i should be glad to have my mobility, my health..I can afford a few simple pleasures in life that most people would appreciate.. like go out to eat or go on holiday occasionally (although i dont actually do that due to social anxiety related stuff)..but yeah I just can't think positively and i'm so dispassionate about everything. I have no educational acquisitions- left school at 15..tried to start a few college courses in the ensuing 5 years and quit them all. The thought of ever attempting anything educational again incenses me with rage. I lack the muster and strength of mind necessary to kill myself and like you am convinced I would simply end up in a coma or a wheelchair, unable to even communicate my need for euthanasia..another deterrant is that i'm not entirely sure that there isn't an afterlife and if i did complete suicide i may not be eligible for reincarnation as a happy being. My job is dead end but that aint even whats eating me cause even if it wasnt i dont think I would be happy. I am just one of those ungrateful negative people who cant be happy. Just going through the motions and will do untill the day I die. Nobody really knows how morbid and negative I am due to the fact I'm self conscious and care about being percieved badly by people. I have managed to forge a relationship with a lovely girl who i think i do appreciate and certainly should..but I just feel as though again i'm going through the motions and and am totally disengaged from what i'm pretending to be like around her. It isn't really me. I'm just this massive non entity black hole type thing. I read your other more recent update on this post as well. I am the same about kids. I have two nieces and two nephews and feel a positive and worthy thing to do with my time would be to help out with their care as my sisters really need it. But i just can't stand being around kids. I think it's so important to positively shape a kids character during it's formative years though, which i'm sure if had been the case with me, i wouldn't be writing any of this. And that, aswell as being too selfish to give up my own time, is another reason i dont wanna be around them. I don;t want somebody so impressionable to be subject to my negative transference! it's a no brainer. I am obsolete and should kill myself. Grrr! Thanks for writing what you did though. Relieving to read somebody expressing similar feelings to my own :)

I just read this and I have to say that these words are virtually exactly what I feel every day. I'm not sure if this is a dead topic or not but I had to post something to tell you that yes I feel this same way. I know there is little to no comfort in knowing this because I would feel little comfort myself if the roles were reversed. I do however, find appreciation in finding this and reading what appear to be my words written to me from someone else.

Yep. I agree completely. I hear people talk about wanting kids and starting a family but that is done for their own self fulfillment. Creating life is the most selfish act a person can do. People say it is selfish to want to die because that would make other people unhappy. "I want you to continue living in misery because if you die I would be unhappy." How selfish is that? I don't have anyone who depends on me, so why is it selfish to want to die? I have prayed and asked God to let me go but he would rather take people who enjoy their life or have a strong desire to live. It's all a sick and twisted joke he plays. Is it wrong to envy death? This world truly makes me sick.

My parents were careless in having me. They couldnt hold down jobs or careers. My dad is a lazy POS who never worked his entire life, getting by on my making my mom go to trade school, only to make less than 11k a year to take care of not only me, but three other kids. We live in public housing and moved around a lot. We ate poorly and got bullied for how impoverished we were at school. I never had friends, never had support, it was basically "thanks for the welfare checks". I asked my mother why she decided to have kids when they both were so damn lazy and abusive, and her response was "babies make you laugh, and they're pretty fun....count your blessings! Atleast you werent born in China or Africa" **** them both. My dad abused us and my mom and cheated on her in front of all of us, and because she was too cowardly and meek, she fell for his victim act, she never could leave him. I struggled through school, but my learning disability is hindering me, and I think its partly due to my poor diet/starvation growing up as well. My little sister was born less than a year apart form me...my theory was that my dad saw the welfare checks coming in and he got my mom pregnant ASAP again. They both are ashamed of me and how Im floating through life, and they dont have any clue that they are are a large part of the blame for it. I busted my *** at minimum wage jobs and i get tired easily due to my poor constitution. so not only did they birth me, but they set me up basically to fail in everything from my mind to my body.....i have had lucky breaks and people coming to my aid, but it always turns out to be a falling out at the end of it because my life invites detractors and petty backstabbers. It has been a long road and Ive been sadden by how pathetic my 24 years have been. But somehow, I also understand and know that life can begin at anytime......maybe it's not my time yet to bloom and I may stumble onto an "ah-hah" moment one of these days that'll change my life. Maybe like before, I'll crash my car and enter into someone's life that showed me what unconditional life meant. Maybe I'll get that passion again I had when I was cooking everynight for myself and dreamt of possibly being a caterer. Or maybe I'll grab that feeling of being in my bedroom, with my pet looking at the love he gave me and making me feel special and meaningful, when everything else was collapsing around me --only to have my pet killed by my sibling's pet one day when I was at school and my lazy dad was sleeping as always....... (but those feelings, not from a baby, I hope) Maybe I'll know what it's like to feel beautiful from the inside out and filled with energy to run around like I'm 10 years old in the woods with nature brimming aorund me..........these are the moments I want to feel again and I know it's possible that through all the hardships, light could burst through any given moment to lift you up.

I have never seen my feelings expressed by someone else. Its just that this stuff seems stupid yet no one else sees it. Why should I pay for free water. Why should I pay to see a beautiful place. The land is not asking for my money. People are mean and everything is about money. It just seems dumb and pointless. I almost wish that there were no one left but rich people.That way they could be happy and we would not have to give two cents about working to death. When we should be enjoying this planet. If it were not for my kid I'd be out.

I absolutely feel that way, can;t wait for life to be over and would be elated to find out I have a terminal illness preferably one that means I will expire in 3 months or less! Tou are not alone xx

I feel exactly the same way. I never should have been born in the first place. Due to her health problems, my mother's doctor advised her to terminate the pregnacy when she was expecting me. She should have listened to them, I'd be much better off if I'd never existed. <br />
I try to look for positive things about life, but I can never find any. My hobbies and interests bring me no joy. I tried to find a career path that would be interesting and a good fit for me, but it's not. Studying this field in school was interesting, but working in it is beyond awful. I am trying to switch careers, but no one will give me a chance.<br />
I have no reason to live, but am afraid to attempt suicide because I'll probably fail and just end up even worse off than I already am.

i completely fink the same dear..life truly sucks...4 me its a full on torture and zers nofing i can do to stop this torture.