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I Wish I Was Never Born

And not only do I wish I were never born, I'm angry about being born. I had no say in the matter. If I had been given the choice, I'd absolutely choose to have never been born. What a miserable, hopeless mess this life is.

My purpose in posting this is not to seek advice or sympathy, but rather just to see if there is anyone else out there who feels this way.

I've tried everything within my power to appreciate what little pleasure and enjoyment I can find in life, but the bad so far outweighs the good, it's impossible. I try to feel gratitude, I'm perfectly aware that there are many people who have it far worse than I do, and that I should count my blessings. But that doesn't make me any less miserable. I've felt this way for literally my entire life, but these feelings become stronger the older I get.

I've tried therapy, medication, exercise - nothing helps. Exercise has made me more attractive, and I am in good physical health, but this is little comfort. I am fully aware of how ignorant and selfish I am.

I feel like my life is basically pointless. I have interests I pursue; working out, music, reading - none of them provide much in the way of lasting fulfillment. I am not a religious or spiritual person, I am turned off by the self-righteousness of religion. I have absolutely no desire to marry or have a family. I have a small handful of close friends who are wonderful, but none understand me. I rapidly lose interest in romantic relationships as quickly as I begin them. I have never been in love and doubt it exists.  I despised school, and the thought of furthering my education literally makes me sick. I carefully selected what I believed would be a somewhat fulfilling career path, only to grow to hate my job as well.

I would never attempt suicide, not due to any moral objections or considerations for anyone else, but because I am certain that if I were to attempt it, I would somehow fail and leave myself even worse off than I was to begin with (confined to a wheelchair, comatose, disfigured, Terri Schiavo, etc.).

So I ask, does anyone else out there feel this way?

Philliebuster Philliebuster 26-30, M 128 Responses Dec 14, 2008

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I feel exactly the way you do .Philliebuster! Being placed on this planet without any say in the matter. I have always been in turmoil , nothing really good ever happens to me. Then I have a choice between choosing God or the Devil. What life is a 100% CRAPOUT!!!!!! Makes me want to say can't be any God, because what supreme being would treat any mortal creature with contempt and think I am strong enough to love someone who puts me through all this DETRIMENT !!!!

I feel the same wish I was never born n wish I was dead, my parents were not fit to be parents and should have never had children.i wish I didn't exist. I've tasted life in all its fruits , even jesus and still unsatisfied. Nothing can fix this, I am left alone yet I have many close friends. I cannot wait to die, it's the only thing I look forward to, I can't kill myself because of sisters. I am a very strong person and do have compassion. I've been in therapy for years.i know exactly why I feel the way I do, I understand myself and a peer support worker for people with mental health problems .death is the way out of my inner torment.i try to be compassionate as a way out but it's new terrortory. I'm a positive person believe it or not and don't belive I'm being negative I'm being realistic.jesus love does not help. I'm a warrior. I just so wish I was dead, I'm tired of suffering. It does pass but then it comes back. I don't want to exist.i don't want to be alive.i want or blazon. Sleep is my final escape

I love your post.

i cant help but point out i feel the same way. My very few interests similar to yours are exercising music sleeping and reading. But there are only soo many books you can read. Only so much exercise you can take before asking yourself whats the point. I treasure my state of sleep because i find no point in being conciouse. I dont have many friends, i infact prefer being alone but i cant stand being alive even though my living standards arnt the worst, i feel selfish for wanting to die, but i cant help but feel like this. I wont kill myself but i am sometimes reckless and do things that harm my body and it makes me happy. I cant stand school because i feel all throughout my life im just being used with the knowledge we are given. I see no point in day to day life and i wish i wasnt alive. I cant stand being alive. I get bored very easily and im left empty, with nothing to do. I feel selfish for wanting to leave my family, they are probably the only thing keeping me alive, without them nothing is stopping me from killing myself but i cant help how i feel. I hide how i feel but no on Notices, i dont know what to do. I cant stand living.

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Well I on the other hand have the best life I could wish for ! I have a beautiful best daughter any parent would wish for , she has married the best man a parent could wish for . She is a child from my first marriage! I did love her father very much , but he turned drugs and therefore my marriage failed . After 7 years being divorced I remarried the love of my life . A disabled veteran with TBI and ptsd . We had a son 3 years later . We are very Hsppy ! A few years later I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder then bipolar disorder . My family life is s dream come true ! I do have to help my hubby with his ordeal ! Our son had ADD and Dyspraxia syndrome! I take care of him too !! My hubby had memory loss , so I have to live with that. I can and choose to live my life to help them ! However my parents are getting old and therefore their health is detonating ! I live 4 hours away ! My brothers to want to accept my life struggles ! They make me feel guilty I don't visit and help with my parents ! I do what I can when I can ! I have offered to bring my parents to come live with me , as I do not work and have the time to care for them ! They refused? Mo love my parents so much ! I can't bear the thought of them passing some days !'The reason I had never been born is , I don't want to feel the hurt of losing them , but then if I was never born I would never have given life to my beautiful children !!u

Had an alright life had girlfriends but then there was a girl in my life. Since she left things changed completely and csn even enjoy my life less friends less socializing no words

i feel the same way, but my life was a piece of **** since i was born, i was sexualy abused several times as a child between 7~11 years old, i kept it all bottled inside myself for all this time, i was never sad in front of others, the only person i once believed would listen to me was the woman i loved the most, but she left years ago, i feel like theres a crack in my heart and every day it grows bigger, its like everything i once loved is losing itself inside the darkness of that fissure, everyday i put on a mask and go on with my life, i have good friends, i'm a college student and i have a good job, i have a good relation with my parents and brothers, i think they can feel the darkness around me some times and they get worried, but i can always fool them with a good smile, because i don't want them to worry and be sad, some times i wish i was imortal, so that i could outlive everybody that love/like me and finaly be alone, finaly i would be able to end it all, if i was sure i would be able to die alone in the end, i would hold on to this pain for as long as needed ... i wont have children, i wont make them go through the hell of this life.

i feel exactly the same the way. I cant say im suicidal.. i dont contemplate killing myself; esp because i refuse to be remembered in pity, but had i been given the 100% pass up on this thing called life. I cant stand the self righteousness of religion either. Any time ive tried to talk about this people think its the lack of god in my life... i know it isnt. I love my friends to death. theyre as loyal as they come; but as you said, none of them understand me. im turning 30 next month and this feeling keeps getting worse every ******* day. Ive lived 1/3 of my life and feel zero fulfillment; i cant remember a time when i was truly excited to just wake up and live. Now the expectation is that i should have a family and raise a kid the next 30? only to sit around and wait for death the final 30...really...this is the great plan everyone is awe about? Then theres the other road....just ride this thing out solo. Enjoy whatever amusing distractions come my way, but knowing in my heart of hearts that its all bullshit. youre not alone in feeling this way...i googled this today just to see if anyone else out there feels that way as well.. like you said, i know theres soooooo many people worse off in life than i am and it makes me feel unbelievably selfish and self absorbed. but i cant take this **** anymore. it seems like anything i do is just to distract myself from feeling like this. Its like im trying to fix the symptoms, knowing there is no cure for the actual cause. That naive sense of "hope" and "future" that i once had is long gone. life is an evil ****....and i wish i simply had nothing to do with it. ESP if this religion thing is real... jesus a life time of emptiness followed by an eternity of burning. What kills me is i try... i try so hard to be happy. I laugh the loudest... tell the most the clown of my group by far. soon as i get alone with my thoughts... i see the empty reality.

i also work, go on vacations and am very social....i just dont know where the feeling comes from

The philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer, described that life is inherently meaningless, and that life itself is a mistake (it would be far better if there was no life). And I agree with most of the pessimist's philosophy on life.When you see people breeding, and forcing life upon a helpless child, you begin to realize that humans only do it for selfish reasons. Maybe they'd like a child to look after them in their old age, to feel loved, to give them a sense of purpose, or to cement a failed relationship? You know what? None of this is guaranteed! There is no guarantee of happiness in life, but misery is always present around every corner.

But yeah, I wish I hadn't been born.

Since I was young, I have had a sadness, looking at people who love without such sadness is frustrating, why can' t I be obliviously happy and effected by emotions,why can't I just throw caution to the wind. It runs in my family and my daughter has inherited this gene. I have told her she must find happiness, when she can, because her life will be full of what most consider to be happy, but she will have to fake. The smile. It is the heart of the warrior in this world, we are put here to fight for something bigger then ourselves, when you are fighting for the bigger picture, we value ourselves as inclusive. Find your fight, it may not be what you think, just to breath is a fight, everyday every breath, but a breath with purpose is much more satisfying than and empty exhale. God bless, a sister to your birth affliction.

I have almost exactly the same feeling! I usually feel guilty after such thoughts since I know lots of people who have it worse than I do, but I absolutely don't want the life I have now. I usually find myself imagining my dream life and yet it's just another reminder how close to impossible it is to achieve it.
I also though of suicide lots of times before but I guess I'm too much of a coward to inflict some pain on myself and I can't really ask someone to help me with it.

This is life without Jesus. You are being prayed for

YES!!!!!! I could have written this word for word. I would give anything to never have been born and sentenced to this long suffering pain called life. I long for this to end. I believe this is possibly "the real " hell that all the religions fear so much. I long to escape.

Wow. I came across the page because I typed in I Wish I Was Never Born in a search because I've been thinking how I want to write a book addressed to the people who are bold enough to think they have the right to make another person be born. I was born to an emotionally unstable unwed teenager who I realize as a grown up was a total narcissist who had no right to decide that she was capable of bringing another human into this world. Strangely despite her abuse, in this life I have been lucky to meet amazing nice people who encouraged me and gave me opportunities to see that I was worthwhile but as soon as a situation arises where there are no positive people my thoughts instantly go to suicide and I realize it's really just the replaying of all the mean cruel insults that I carry around from childhood and my desire to be dead rather than ever see my mother again. Life is definitely trying to keep me here on earth though. Because just when I get really low and ready to give up there is always an unexpected nice human that reinforces my purpose. My goal for a book would be to drill into people's heads the true responsibility of creating another human and the fact that abuse and negative words leave an impact that lasts a lifetime. I was moved to tears reading all your stories and I was blown away that others are thinking the same way. And to be honest it is usually the most caring and thoughtful people who are the ones over thinking the futility of human behavior and all the bad ones want to live forever because all they see is themselves and their big egos are quite satisfied with what they see.

i feel this way...and im almost 100 % sure its my parents fault...i was always happy growing up, very social, everyone always wanted to be around me, i could become friends with a rock if i had to, but i was also able to be totally happy being all by myself , i always had something positive to say..but i was nieeve ...over the past years ive come to realize my parents were not the people i thought they were...theyre disgusting past and present sickened me when i found out the truth...i find out something new about them everyday which only makes my resentment grow...i hate them and at the same time love them so pissed that they cant love their kids enough to stop their destructive ways,...but im more angry that they werent honest about what they were sooner...its like my whole life was a lie with parents who only pretended to care whos high morals and ethics were complete bullshit ...i was brought up with strong faith in god and i now feel i dont even know if hes real ...everyday any small amounts of faith and hope i have just get sad all day and cry randomly... i isolate myself from everyone for fear of having a much to proud to ever tell anyone i kno that i feel this way so everyone thinks im happy which is so far from the truth...good looks and my longing for an intimate connection in a world that feels numb to me now, leads me to promiscuity ...but the relationships never last ...which leads me to my current thought process , why was i born...why the hell did my completely unfit parents reproduce...6 times at matter how good looking i am or how happy i pretend to inside im just cold and filled with resentment ...

I feel exactly the same I feel like people hate me cos I'm fat if I was never born there would be no one to hate

why does this not wanting to be alive get called sad or depression? I didn't choose to be alive. Why do I have to do it? I just hTe the whole experience I'd other human beings ******* with me. Why do I have to be here and then am forced to justify this feeling or have to go through pain to not be here. **** I just loath it all.. Bri g me drugs alcohol or whatever it takes to NOT be here

A good book is the best remedy...Seriously, I was where you all are. The Jesus (not church) helped me. I read the Psalms helped at first then I started going to different churches I went to many before I found one for me. No judgment...just love and acceptance. I will pray for a miracle for you and wish to share a you tube site. Go to you tube and search for "Violet flame prayer for taking away all negativity from your soul". The Violet Flame practice is NOT church or even religion but a way to rid ourselves of the negativity in our life.
My final comment...please use what you can and leave the rest. I have been where you are and pray for you to find God's peace in your life because that is truly where real happiness (no matter what you are going though) is. (not a church who tells you how to be and although we try...we still fall short and back into the despair).

I thought I was the only person who deals with this issue.I'm 40 years old and I don't recall a time in my life when I was truly happy to wake up in the morning.i have a daughter as well as a granddaughter and I've thought of all the people who are unable to have a family and how grateful they would be to have what I do i hate the fact that I am no means am I suicidal but I'm definitely not thrilled of the fact that tomorrow will more than likely mock me when I awake in the morning.

Your words could, and have, come from my own mouth. My mother was a narcissistic, depressive witch, and though she had a terrible childhood herself, never sought help, and besides her mental illness, much like my estranged sister (whom I pretty much raised, and have supported all my life as her first phone call) get pleasure out of cruelty. She never got up to make school lunches or even breakfast, she never went to parent's night at school, she never had any friends. But her unhappiness was apparently OUR fault. But that's all in the past. Anyway, I have been through some terrible traumas over the last few years, things no one should ever have to endure that have nothing to do with family issues. Right now I am on disability for PTSD, have been shunned by my entire family except my frail father, because it doesn't matter if you're crazy (according to my family) because as long as you don't seek help, you are okay. As the go-to person for handling family crises, my feelings and emotions don't count because I am "mentally ill" and can't always make their needs my first priority. My mother is the craziest person I've ever known, and other people know it, too. My sister is becoming her carbon copy, was a self-cutter, isolates herself, yet feels, like my mother does, that it's perfectly okay to cut me to shreds, but god forbid I should try to set any personal boundaries. I drove cross country with strength I didn't know I had because I knew if I stayed where I was, and where I was talking myself out of killing myself every night, I would die. So I moved out west, where everything has gone wrong, The Fascist state where I live won't provide me with low-cost health care because they hate poor people and minorities, and I cannot afford to buy insurance through the so-called "affordable" national marketplace--what a stupid joke that is, and I used to be an Obama supporter. Anyway, my sister decided she could hurt me the most by not allowing me to see my beloved little niece (whom I helped immensely in the process of applying to adopt, and handling adoption issues) and that was killing me, so I had to leave. But things are so bad here, I'm totally alone, and I dont' really think I ever should have been born, either. My life was rigged to fail from day one. I was raised to think I was nothing but an expensive burden, and any tim'e I felt good about myself my mother wasted no time in cutting me down. The things they have done to me should never be experienced by any human being, but they need to keep their little fantasy worlds afloat. I have to get out of here, but have maxed out my credit card, can't pay my bills since the state is ripping me off right and left, and have no support system other than two old, dear friends who live far away. I wonder why I endured what I have when everything just gets worse, no matter how hard I try. Regarding god, forget it. I was a devout Catholic for many years, have always been a spiritual person, but I begged for just one small concession to make my life (I spent a year abroad in virtual solitude--Communist country) just a bit more bearable. But no. Maybe there is a god, but he surely isn't interested in me, and I've certain made my share of mistakes but have always tried to be a good person, to help others, and that means absolutely nothing in a world where the rich 1 percenters who control 99 percent of the country--and world's==wealth, make all the rules and only care about lining the pockets of their rich friends. I must be the dumbest person in the word to not have realized by now that all most people care about are themselves. I have been saying that I don't want to die, I just want things to get better, but they get worse every day and now I'm not so sure. Without health insurance next year, it's doubtful I'll make it, and really I don't care. And I try, and have tried, so hard, I really have. How long do you hang out before you just quit because it's obvious your life will only get worse? I never thought my life would turn out this way, partly it's my fault I'm sure, but I was dealt a losing hand from day one. This is hell, right now, right here, and that's all there is.

I feel like you too. I had extremely difficult life, father alcoholic, narcissist mother, golden child sister. I am a loser, graduated from BS university, lost job 4 times, in a year and a half. Charged money on credit card to help my first love drug addict first love (unrequited), had tI do bankruptcy. Fall in love platonic and unrequited again with my married boss, who fired me. I make hardly enough to survive. But I don't even want anything. I was never to excited about the opportunity to live, but I now, I really want to die. I ask God to take my life everyday. Probably, I am not normal, and I will end up killing myself anyway. I am very messed up. My mom and my family keep bringing me down every day. I wanted to have a family and children before, now, I don't even want that, even if I could. I don't want to damage anybodys life and be messed up mother. I wish I can die

wow I didn't think others felt the same...and like others I think I started feeling like this around 11 yo. My family suck I was born into a family of narcissists, so I am alone. My pets have been my solace but Friday I lost one that meant a lot to me. Everything has been hard. I have hard to work three times harder than most, seem to meet the worst people mean, selfish, snobs, psychopathic and seem to have terrible luck. The depression after losing this pet feels as thick as pea soup. I don't know what the point is of this insane nightmarish planet. I can't stand how animals are treated on this planet and most people are so frigging stupid. Most don't like to learn about truth going on in the world and most are so superficial. I really don't feel like anyone really understands me or can relate - I am an orphan - but I had a sibling and parents. There is something very wrong with this planet. And after this pet passing, I have had it. I even developed some spirituality/belief in God and Jesus. I would never kill myself - too scared plus I don't want God to be mad at me, but right now. I am mad with God. How INSANE to allow all of this crap on this planet. If Satan runs this planet and God is God why allow ANY suffering? If I was running the show I wouldn't put up with it for ONE SECOND. I definitely would not want to be God though too on the other hand. Even when pets get sick - I cannot stand to have to make a decision. My pet made the decision for me. I am very tired. Tired of the greedy federal govt and every time I try to not just get ahead forget that but even just maintenance take care of things, it's too expensive. Have had to do everything by myself. no support. I have been telling God now that I am done. Take me off this frigging planet. I'm just done. WIll make sure my pets have contingency plans and I'm not going to do anything I just have strong wishes to be with my beautiful pet that passed on and all the others and praying God will take me off this frigging planet. Though I hope I have been a good enough person to get to be with my pets again in the afterlife. I don't see what the point of this is anymore. It's been a nightmare. My mother - it's always been all about her. same with my brother and my father wasn't that much different. Everything in my life seems like the opposite. all the timing of everything. I guess I should stop rambling now. But everyone has their limits. I've perservered. I've done a lot and I can never seem to get what I really need -- belonging, my own family, not have to work as hard, enjoy life. The very things I care about the most are taken from me. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I am not trying to get sympathy. This is how I feel.

Yep, I know much of what you feel.

I am quite an achiever in school, I won many CCA competitions and I graduated as one of the top 7 people in my batch. But what does all these add up to? What do I do next? I realised that everything ends up empty for me.

Then why were we ever born? Does the fault lie in the selfishness of our parents to have pleasure in sex and experience what it is like to be parents? Maybe it is just tragic that living organisms are programmed like this.

To make things worst, i hate myself. I am selfish to the extent that I feel happy when something bad happens to my close friends. I treat my family so badly even though they are so nice. I cant socialise like normal people do. Why the hell am I, who is like a biological defect with all the bad genes, born?
Natural selection will not take me out.
I am not worthy for my crush.
I have to learn the ways of a normal human, like articulating, enjoyment, how to express myself, how to stop sabotaging my team when playing sports etc.
I am socially awkward.
My IQ is low.
I am physically weak.
Why the hell does society allow me to live?

Perhaps, this is where i differ from you guys.

I hate myself. I've always hated myself for who i am. As such, i will not allow myself to live. Unless i change for the better. And so, i embarked on a project to pinpoint my weak point, observe people who are strong in that area and "implant" it into myself. This would be a long journey and it has been going on for 4 years. It is still going on now. What is amazing is that there is no end to this. Suddenly, the emptiness just left. Not that it left forever, i still feel it whenever i question the meaning of anything i do. I just want to improve myself.
I cant say that it will surely work but if you also hate yourself, why don't you try and redirect that hate to improving yourself?

One last thing before i end. I am naturally selfish. We all are. When my close friends get hurt/get into trouble, my heart overflowed with life.
I hid this fact by being a hypocrite. But the intense feelings to improve myself changed this.
Now, many says that I am selfless but I still think otherwise. I might seem to help others when there are no rewards to myself but the truth is as follows. I help people to hone my skills. Whether it is for communication, teaching skills etc. Whether they benefit from it, i honestly dont care. Recently, i even helped to pick up papers that a stranger accidentally dropped by instinct and my feelings about it: I didnt feel like i did something noble, i did not even think about pride. I always mumbled when talking to strangers and thought that it was an learning opportunity to talk to strangers. Am i satisfied? Yes, but not really. I just feel like i am a step closer to giving my personality a complete makeover.

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I have been fighting this gnawing feeling since I am 15 and at times, for periods of years, i have been able to keep it at bay, at the back of my mind by desperately convincing myself that there is something to live for, that humans are at heart kind and gentle and being filled with so much potential. I would envision an utopia and see myself as a piece mortar, a piece among many, that is needed to achieve this utopian dream; so desperately am I to realize this self-imposed destiny that i even took classes in counselling and worked as a teaching intern, hoping to mould young minds. I am 24 now and i have seen ****..humans are inherently selfish no matter how they dress it as generousity (& hypocrites to boot)..humans cannot change and will not change and will continue preserving a world where 'weak the flesh, the strong will eat'...Selfishness is needed to survive on Earth for it is forever changing and even if we were to advance scientifically, so much so as to control Earth itself, the stars and the universe are still beyond our control and thus, the reality of our being, of our situation requires selfishness in order for life to exist. So, in exchange for being alive, we have to accept selfishness and all the crap created by it. If we reject selfishness, then we will be rejection survival.That same feeling you are having now has returned once again and i can't fight it anymore; I have lost the will after having so much reality smeared across my eyes. The only reason why I have not commited suicide is that i have an aging mother who still loves me but at times i longed for death so much that i considered shooting her before shooting myself (she considers me her joy and my death will lead to hers). So it is not that you are abnormal for having these thoughts...we all do...most will 'outgrow' them but 'outgrowing' is merely sweeping the feeling under the carpet and decorating the carpet with ever more beautiful trophies and furnitures earned through the desperate trampling over others. You have fallen too deep into the rabbit hole...there is no ladder going back up there to the sweet bliss of innocent ignorance and the walls at this depth are too steep for you to try cawling......the only way out is to keep going deeper and i am sure you have pretty much hit the bottom and the bottom, death is the only way out. Thus, i reject selfishness.


I feel the same way as well. I was oblivious as to what country I'm living in, but now I have the complete realization that it's full of corruption. The people I know are just unapologetic and nasty hypocrites. They are absolutely different from my friends who are kind, caring, and understanding. I don't have plans to be in a relationship and I never will. The place I'm in has limited freedom and independence which is a complete disappointment and a huge disgrace. I despise living in a world where society mistreats and judges people for the way they live and look. Reality sucks in a way that it forces me to become one of them when in fact I am a complete opposite. I just wish I was never born at all.

I so feel what u r going through my dad told me everyday that I was a f#### mistake & that he wished I was dead :( I tried really hard to try & get him to even like me, but never would, I even spent all my money trying to buy presents but mum & Dad hated me so much. But that is ok I have the biggest BROKEN heart but I've been told by my dad, to harden the **** up, I try all the time, but I always think of ways to kill myself because I feel like I'm in the way. I even found my husband a new woman that would be good for my girls, they are so beautiful & my grandson & son I law are amazing. love them to the moon & back but I'm not going any wear!!! I have the most amazing support from my amazing Husband he is my big ROCK!! & I have 2 amazing Girls, they are amazing & my Husbands Mum & Dad are the most beautiful people I ever know, the kindness was never in my family, but I have so much support, I'm so lucky!!!! But I still get so Sad that my own Blood could not even like me let alone love me, but no matter what I have the most amazing husband & family in the world, thank u guys so much, love u all so muchxxxxxxxxxxxxx so be strong, look harder at interests, to try & gain the position you want, there will be something there for you, think of what pleases you, then chase it, go hard, don't look back, you will succeed, that is

I cried my eyes out reading these words.. I have never been able to get the thought out of my mind & into words untill now. I can relate to this so well. You are special, even if the people around you cant see it. I know how u feel and i know what its like to feel alone.

I am amazed that there are so many people that feel the same way about being alive as I do. I had already decided at 10 (I am 50 now) that it would be better to die and "go to heaven" then to live. I'm agnostic now, so I drop the heaven-notion but just the peace of death is so appealing to me. My story is not one of abuse, illness or anything like that. I am employed, and my life isn't horrible. But yet, I just cannot shake this feeling that life is a prison and the hours and days are its cell bars. I don't have a personal "why" for being here. And I also resent being alive. If I had been asked, I would never have signed up for life. I have a sister and a cat who probably would miss me if I were gone, so I would feel bad about committing suicide. My hope is that I get cancer or something like that so I can refuse treatment and let it runs its course and solve the "problem" for me. I suppose that is suicide by lack of action, but hopefully its impact on my sister won't be as bad as suicide would be.

and what if there is no peace after death, this peace that is elusive, what if everything is worse after death. don't get me wrong I feel as you feel, literally! same ish thought process, except the heaven bit cos i believe, but never mind my beliefs what if there is no peace after death cos you believe nothing happens after death. im not attacking you in any way and your choices and beliefs are yours to make but i suppose i am concerned that because of these beliefs, when you do get this death we both wish for, that it doesnt end there

It is a possibility certainly that the hereafter is even worse than this life. If that's the case though, then experiencing it is inevitable. I long lived the logic of Pascal's wager figuring it was "safer" to live a good life in case there was a hell in the hereafter and then finding that there was none, than to live a "wicked" life thinking there was no punishment to come, only to find out after death, that I was wrong. But I am tired of my life being controlled by fear, especially fear of a hereafter that might not even exist.

I understand that logic but you're also right , we shouldn't live life being controlled by fear of the present, future or hereafter. See I believe in both heaven and hell and I've learned that it isn't about believing in God because I'm afraid to go to hell. On the contrary, it's about accepting God and therefore the peace and freedom that comes with that, knowing that:

one, no matter how difficult life is, He is right there with us, loving us ..and believe you me this, I know that can be hard to believe when everything around is just dragging and you just don't see the point and I'm right there with you, but I know no matter how I feel, this is truth which in itself is so freeing ...

and two, knowing that once this life is all done, I have the hope of finally being with God in heaven never to experience any the sadness and emptiness and 'hell on earth' as it were.

You see people often misunderstand God talking about hell, this place that supposedly exists and where people go after life. The purpose of it being mentioned wasn't to scare anyone or make them live in fear of it. It was said as a warning out of deepest love. I'll try explain with an analogy. Imagine you have a kid who love infinitely more than anything, more than life itself and will always love, and you're walking on the sidewalk and the kid wants to cross the road but you can see that there are so many cars coming and if he crosses now he will get hit and die. So you say 'wait don't cross the road now cos there are many cars coming and its very dangerous, you could get hit and die'. Now you see you're not saying that to make him afraid so he lives in fear. you're explaining to him a sequence of events that will happen because you love him and because you don't want any harm to come to him.
You also say to him 'wait, walk with me, and I will make sure we cross the road and you'll be safe and nothing will happento you ' both things you said cos of deepest love. It is a similar concept God telling us about heaven and hell.

see I'm right there with you with how you feel about life, perhaps not exactly the same but like you I struggle with wanting to be alive, wishing for its end (which btw is not how God wants me feeling, He wants good things for us, but no matter what or how I feel right now, He is here with me, and I know He is working to take me through this in Love)
But I know it's important to consider life after death and therefore choose what and who I believe in and thus live my life in accordance (not talking of perfection or not making mistakes). I've taken heed to the warning but I don't live in fear of that. On the contrary I live in hope and freedom knowing that one day all of this bullcrap will be done with and I will be with the One who is Love and life would be nothing but peace and joy and just everything good

I'm not trying to throw my beliefs or anything about God or anything in your face. I wanted to explain because although we don't know each other,I do care like I care for my siblings, that when death comes, you end up with God never to experience the pain or sorrow of life again and I know more than that, God cares and will always care. You may not believe in Him but He believes in you and loves you despite anything you may have done or how you feel or the difficulties of life.
My point and hope is that you perhaps reopen and revisit things of such nature which you chose to put aside and see what you find out😊

Though I can't say that I share your hope in God and heaven, Vaughnli, I thank you for caring! Best wishes to you on your life journey.

Perhaps not now, maybe one day, at least that is my hope. Our lives are.......hard, only people like us understand what it is to feel as we do, but I do hope you find..... peace, through it all and best wishes to you too x

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